Nothing much to update about..
jus did something really dumb yesterday, i have a meeting tomorrow and give tuition..
my fone is totally not working..
i guess it's about time i reflect about the past year and think about what am i goin to do next..
it is the last week of the year again...

i'll be 20 next year. how fast.
it just doesn't feel real.. everything is just flashing past..
yet every sec right now is so real.. you know you're doing something.. but looking back, what have i done?

every min now seems difficult to occupy, yet i still complain i don't have enough time..

geesh.

i look around again, a year changes alot of things...
i learn that it's difficult to plan what you want to do, because you neva know what will happen.. i guess it's ok to make general plans.. but not to details...

i actuallly have no idea what i'm writing.. jus mindless gibberish as everyone can see..
it's late at nite.. i jus dun feel like sleeping.
been thinking about alot of things lately.. mostly goin in circles.. seems like i've got the ans, yet later i'll be unsure..

life,
a simple four letter word.
yet it's so difficult to understand.
not to mention live it...

christmas.
wat's impt? wat's not?
do i love him? do i not?

i nid to talk to someone...
i dunnoe who...
my fone isn't working..
guess i'm alone to face this again..

argh...
i hate christmas..
my christmas neva turn out rite..
why?
is it only me?

痛恻心扉
如果可以选择，我宁愿从不曾拥有过。
是不是一定要这样爱过， 才算长大？
如果每一次的快乐， 会带给你十次的不快乐，我真的宁愿平平淡淡的。

Christmas eve..
if it's de last day of your life what would you do?

1) type a will on my lap top
2) go visit all my frens anywhere they are.
3) arrange teachers for my tuition kids
4) burn a cd for someone taking over my job in mc
5) call him
6) tell everyone who loves me i hate them, dun miss me.
7) donate all my organs that are still usable
8) donate blood first before i die, if it's healthy
9) burn all my diaries
10) listen to songs as i slip away..

So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh...
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh
You've got your dumb friends


I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

CHORUS X 2

i'm like that:
one day, i'm all hopeful, loving life, living it.
nez day, i'm all down, emotional, depressed...
i love my frens, yet i wonder why do we have frens...
i have dreams, yet i wonder why i have to live on earth for another day..
i work hard one day, nez day i don't even want to lift a finger..

thats me..
walking contradiction.

when you think you've known me enough, think again.

cheers
wr

it's christmas eve tml.. i dun have any holiday mood this year..
i guess it's another tell tale sign that you've grown older.. much older.. i feel much older than 19.. i neva fail to wonder how does it feels like to not know anything, to not go thru exp like my own.. to have a smooth sailing life till 19.. be spoilt, be provided for, be inconsiderate..
i want to be...
knowing too much and when you don't know how to handle the knowledge can be dangerous..

i look into kids' eyes
i see purity
i look into teenagers' eyes
i see hope

i see a chance to change their lives.. to help them to achieve.. to bring those to aspire to a greater heights..
i've never realised this before, i feel like becoming a teacher..
i see hope in them.
i believe when i invest enough time in these kids, i'll actually help them enough..
i guess it's much more than any amount you can earn..

this is freaking me out actually.

christmas eve.
i'm still wondering what am i doing on planet earth.
i'm still looking for myself, who am i?
i look up in the sky and ask what am i suppose to do?
birth of christ.
will i be reborn again on the 25th?

life goes on, much to my reluctance.


cheers
wr

my bf was back from thailand yesterday! after a 8-day trip, finally
hee heez. rather happy to see him today. he wasn't suppose to meet me on Sundays, cos it's a sacred day to be spent in church and for his family... haha but today is an exception, cos we haven met for so long..

k, enough about my bf, shall keep the excitement to myself as no one is interested in my love life. actually i wonder who's interested in what i'm writing here..

saw the farmer today.. gave my feedbacks to alvin and xiong about the camp.. i guess it was a bad idea.. cos tiong didn't go for the camp and alvin tan din have much to say.... guess they were a little left out. i could see that alvin and xiong were very passionate about the topic, their organisation.. xiong kept nagging me to write an email to his head, as he totally agree with what i said but his head failed to see these points...

anyhow, i've yet to mention about the camp>>
first, some facts about the camp:
Xiong was the camp master of this buddhist camp, hence the farmers took part. partly for a gathering purpose, partly showing our support for our dear brother. i also wanted to learn something about buddhism as i've always been interested, however, lack the chance to get to know about it.

upon reaching, i found out that i was one of the oldest campers ard.. most of the campers were 15 or 16 year-olds who barely graduated from secondary schools... i felt like leaving while we were registering for the camp as i felt like i was going for another orientation camp.. the feelin of signing a contract to give up my freedom for the nezt 4 days and 3 nights.. to act like clowns, smell like dirt and run like hell... i felt that i was too old for such things, there's no longer the kind of excitement that one would exp when they were 15,16... that's when i decided i'm no longer a teenager..

then we changed and prepared for the ice breakers..
i have to say that the games throughout the 3 days were very creative, the stories, the way they linked them all up, the point system which were actually money for the groups to buy ammunition for the race.. i was impressed, very. i wonder how many of the campers appreciated this effort.. the only little flaw in the games was that - they failed to bring out the objective of the games to the little kids.. for them to learn from the games..
for eg - there was a game where we had to protect the "virgin of purity" on a very dangerous journey for a precious scroll.. the groups had to come up with a strategy such that the commander and VOP will survive the journey...
there was a very funny relation of wat the 4 groups did by a really good speaker.. but i tot it would be much betta if the group leaders could have sat down and talked about how the group fare. what have they learn...
thoughout, there was much experience, but little learning.. the games that we played could have easily taught the campers about things that they'll never learn in classes.. about team work, about being considerate, about team building, about learning from mistakes, about decision making. the kids are still unable to really understand these underlying lessons that could be in any game, thus the camp could have been much more enriching, if time were set aside for such discussions... instead of chasing us all to bed for more action the next day. what is the objective?

yes, what is the objective of the camp? this was the question that bugged me ever since i attended the camp. nearly non-stop action without much rationale behind - gives me a feeling that the games were there to entertain the kids. they said it was to make the kids feel that buddhists can be fun loving, not just chanting everyday. the way i saw it - without the meaning behind the games, the games were merely to make the kids happy, like free gifts that comes with a product.. to market buddhism, to recruit more youths, they planned alot of games, to attract the youths. I'm all for it, i do not see anything wrong with that, i think buddhism can be fun, definitely, especially youths should be full of life. However, when they're jus playing for the sake of playing, the opportunity to learn is lost.
Perhaps i expected too much. i expected this camp to be something different.
好玩中带点严肃
not to squeeze buddhism into every little thing that one does in the camp, but learning.. i feel that such camps should touch the hearts of the little kids, to be a turning point for some of them, at least. thou 4 days 3 nites cant do much, but the learning could start to change the kids' thinking, like planting a seed in the kids' heart, hoping it'll blossom into a beautiful flower. to make them more compassionate, considerate, on the whole better persons... i tot this was what basic buddhism is about..

the spiritual component of the camp came in the form of Dharma Talks conducted by the head of the organization.. i have to say that i fully enjoyed the first session, where i was given the opportunity of asking questions about buddhism. Even thou it was a tiring day and i had a really bad headache, i was wide awake after the talk. i had so many burning questions after the introduction to buddhism, partly to see how much they know, partly because of my curiousity.. however, subsequent sessions were disappointing. they were long and i found it difficult to actually remember everything after a 2 hour session.
i agree with alvin that we have to give the speaker credit for trying to bring Dharma to a more comprehensive level for the kids.. however, it was obvious that there were little interest among the campers as they failed to see the rationale behind the talks... to them, they were merely sessions for them to catch up with their sleep.. he could have been more prepared with the lessons, some visual tools like writing on the white board. Also, i had difficulties understanding the points he wished to bring across, sometimes trying to recall the point that led to the stories. Thus the importance of a notebook, to be brought along for every talk. whether they keep it after the camp or not it doesn't matter, what matters is that they've written some notes and it'll stay with them better..

after the camp, i felt that there will always be a tension to promote buddhism and to recruit more members by the way they run the camps... because they have mistaken fun to be the only factor to recruit members..

fun, will only be able to keep them as long as they think the organization is fun.
teach them how to learn, make them feel that the organization can improve their lives, to learn more about buddhism.. once you touch their souls, teach them what they can't learn from school, you've reached out to them, their souls, then, they'll be there for you for as long as they believe. these are the people i would want to recruit.
leadership can be trained.
悟性却须要一点缘分

my two cents worth.
thank you xiong for introducing me to camp. i've learnt alot, seriously.
thank you alvin for being such a good group leader. caring and def the potential of a great leader.
the organization has much potential, having successfully organized 9 camps and goin on strong...
i wish it can touch more hearts in future, spread buddhism among the youths.

cheers

wr

I've been a selfish all along..
i've complained about my partners being irresponsible, not keeping me updated, not taking the time to talk to me, to pacify me.. actually the person that i loved the most was myself.
i tot i knew how a relationship should be like, i knew i was abit more dependent, but i tot all that was reasonable..
until the camp.
love in most relationships are conditional..
when one fails to meet up to the expectations of the other, it makes the other feels upset.

a scientific research shows that when a person sees another whom he or she likes, the body gives out a chemical that makes one feels good...
so the nez time you want to meet your partner and he can't turn up.. you're feeling upset cos you cant feel that good, instead of not being able to see him.

i hope i can rem this.
keep this in my mind, so i won't get angry, upset with him so often.. when it's really not his fault..
when he really have things to attend to..
i guess i'm more of a burden to him right now than a partner, who can help him on his journey..
he had to take time off church, sch, social life.. jus for me..
love is about sacrifices ? i dun think so.
if i dun expect him to be with me so often, he doesn't have to give up so many things.. and i dun see myself a sacrificing anything..
i'm loving someone and being happy.

living meaningfully and dying joyfully- Ven Ajahn

i'm grateful.

wr

after a whole morning of trying to change the look of my blog, to learning how to make webpage... i guess i din accomplish alot..

i read my sister's blog.
gave me an insight to how she feels... how she view life..
picking up the pieces she left behind then.. she's picking herself up..

what about me?

i feel lost in time.

I'm wondering..
wonder when did i start to lose my close frens,
wonder when did my life only revolved ard me, my bf and my family,
wonder when did i start to feel that i cant go on without working,
wonder when did i become so reclusive...
almost alone.

how much do i noe about kw, niang niang?
hadn't we been meeting up?
how much do i noe about siok, hui-u, yj, yd?
how long was it since i really talked to them?
how are the farmers?
since when did i lost them as well?

how much do they know about the me now?

i still talk to eugene thou..
one person that i can say everything to..
haha somehow he doesn't have much to tell me..

things will change.
things always do.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
for all whose paths crossed mine somewhere in my life:

i'm glad our paths crossed.
may it always overlap.. may i always have the honour to have you in my life...
但是若从此以后，我们只是两道平行线，
may it be fond memories that i left you with...

你我的相逢，
是缘分。
离别，
却不一定是悲伤的。

好朋友，
到了天涯海角
还是知己。
一个眼神， 一句话
你会了解。
你最近还好吗？

Wouldn't it be nice if you get to choose what you want to remember instead of being forced to rem them.. as clear as crystal?
i guess it's as good as saying we should get to choose how we look, our parents and all that...
but i jus cant help wondering..
there are things that are so difficult to get out of ur system as hard as u try..
time will change these things.. from being painful, irritating to something of a neutral nature...
i prefer to see it as time changing me... from being vulnerable to such memories to becoming used to it.. de-sensitizing .. the word they used for media violence.. the nature of memories is relative to u. the memories will always be that, it's a fact, irreversible.. ur reaction to it, is what matters.
similarly, with objects.. things that u hold dear to ur heart today, may be come the same thing that cause that ache in ur heart whenever you look at it tomorrow.. because the memory, the fact that is tied to that object, is no longer a sweet memory. it's the human that is changing, instead of the memories morphing into some different state...

actually it's all mindless giberish.

anyway, as i was saying... memories....
i heard yesterday, on tv "my husband is the reason why i want to wake up everyday.."
there was once in my life when i wished i never wake up in the morning. not suicidal thou, just the pure reluctance to climb out of bed to face the reality. but things jus had to work against you... u lose sleep at nite.. cry urself to bed.. waking up at the first ray of sunshine and neva able to get back to sleep again.. u stay awake about 20 hours a day..

all you do is think about how unfair the world is to u.
how little faith you have.
how painful you feel.
how little you have left.
how pitiful you are.
how much you hang on to the little hope in you.

i felt small.
pitiful
helpless
lonely
aimless
unwanted

it may seem dumb to alot of people...
i once assumed how stupid i'd look to myself in the future.
i guess i was wrong.
if i had to go through all that again, i would have felt the same; i would have felt as small, as useless, as dumped...
i neva doubted this thus far...

i had been too trusting, i have had too much faith in the little thing called love.. i had too much hope...
but that was me. i believed in fairy tales then, i tot miracles happen. i thought that was still place for fairy tales to come true in the real world, because love will conquer everything...
but i was wrong.
love cannot conquer the media.
love cannot replace bread and butter.
love will never replace the kind of disappointed one will cause to one's parents...
most of all, people no longer have faith in love, they no longer know the meaning of love.
for dignity,
money,
and trivial things... people compromised love..

because everyone's got hurt before, somewhere, somehow, by someone or anyone..
they lose faith.
they get lost.
they then start to hurt others.. in other way...
they become more withdrawn, only thinking about people that they know personally, like frens or family.. others, only themselves...

it's a selfish world.

ever wondered how a world full of love will be like?
perhaps bush will be in iraq taking care of injured kids.
perhaps china would have forgiven japan long ago and stopped them from paying the reparations.
there won
perhaps taiwan wouldn't have leaders saying they want independence and china wont be forcing them to return to china.

quizas quizas quizas...

it's a bad day.
my exams jus ended... feels like my life ended as well. how no life have i become?
have no mood to face the world now.
screwed up

no point.

i give up.

wr