1.5 months old

1.5 months is how long since we have met officially. Our little angel is growing day by day. Not a day goes by without me thinking about how to be a better parent, how to give you what you need other than feeding you and clothing you. That is perhaps why people over indulge their kids, believing that giving them what the kids want is the best they can do as parents.

Habits changed because of our new responsibilities, sleep being interrupted for night feeds, thinking twice before stuffing food into my mouth, reading about parenting and child related articles online. Adjustments that come with the new addition. 

Grateful that with so much adjustments to make, our domestic helper is playing her part very well. I struggle everyday on how much should I involve my helper in the caring of the little one. Yet my helper manages the demands of the household with a smile. I recognize that things are not entirely easy on her too, so there is a lot of managing of expectations, mine as well as hers.

There are definitely trying times while nursing you, while facing unsolicited advice, especially when I felt I was criticised (even though it was not the intention of the speaker to criticise). Those days are difficult. Bad times, good times, they will all pass. I get angry, upset, rant to my friends and I get back together again. There is no reason to hold on to any emotions.

Living with you, makes me appreciate the simple things - an extra hour of sleep, a smile from you, your cry, your sleeping look, your contented look after milk, watching a one-hour show on tv with the husband, an afternoon out by myself, eating well.

Me time with you.

Lying on my side, and I feel you kicking me vigorously..

Though it has become quite a usual ritual, today I feel that it is unusually special. Knowing that you will be arriving soon and I will no longer remember how it feels to have you kicking inside me, makes it so special that I have to record it somewhere.

It has been a smooth journey with you so far. I look forward to meet and fall in love with you, if I haven't already.

Lessons from the past 8 months.

Last stretch of the marathon or hardly the start, some might say. Looking back at the last 8 months, reflecting on the journey. Pregnancy definitely has some effect on me and made me realised some things about myself. As much as I aspire to show/display self-control, it is easy to do so when things are going well, the conditions favour my choice of "controlling my emotions, controlling my thoughts, controlling my actions". It matters more when the conditions are lacking/not favourable, that I can also display such control - which requires a lot more mindfulness and communication with one-self. Sometimes, it seems almost impossible and it feels unfair that I should control myself (because of whatever reasons) and all hell breaks loose (I mean HELL). Besides blaming on hormones, I can only say that I am only human and strive to do better at the next test. "Seeking balance" is also a recurring theme during this period of time. After reading and listening to advice relating to child birth/rearing, it is still a blur to me what I wish to do. I have a general idea that I wish our child can have a childhood but do not know what exactly I would do for her in this aspect. The only thing that is clear to me, is not to go to the extreme. Be it in preparing for her arrival, thinking about her learning, caring for her... I just hope these things are instinctive and comes naturally once she is here. In any event, we would have to take one-step-a-day, and recognise that it would be impossible to have a 5 year plan like building a corporation. Also, I read a story online about a monk being tasked to wash a Venerable's robes after an all night meditation. The moral of the story is that "doing it is easier than thinking about it" - he was so angry thinking about the amount of work he had to do after an all-night meditation, that he started complaining to the narrator about it. The narrator, who initially wanted to offer an helping hand, told him "doing it is easier than thinking about it" and left. The monk thought about it and went about his chores, returning to the narrator at night to thank him for his advice. This simple story makes so much sense - more often than not, we freak out/get angry/overwhelmed by mammoth tasks and stop doing any thing about the task. Whereas, more often than not, when we start with one small portion of the work, very soon, we find ourselves completing the task eventually. This applies to work and also very much applies to me and the pregnancy/pending delivery/child rearing. The pregnancy thus far has been smooth and the past 8 months could be interpreted as a breeze, save for the current physical difficulties of backache, etc. After attending the ante-natal classes, in particular, the one about delivery, I momentarily freak-out. I panicked because of the potential pain involved, the messiness and how uncomfortable the aftermath might be - I was not sure I can get through that. Borrowing the moral of the earlier story, thinking and worrying about not being able to go through with it wouldn't help me at all... So I had to constantly remind myself to let these thoughts go and accept and adapt to whatever that will come with the situation. Freaking out just robs me of the time to enjoy my journey now, time to prepare mentally and practically for junior. Looks like junior is already teaching me a lot before her arrival :) I only hope I remember the journey and the lessons on this journey as my days become pre-occupied with nappy changing and milk pumping. May 2014 be a great year for one and all.

New Arrival & Self-reflection

Waiting for the arrival of a new member to form a family :) Counting down the last stretch. A whole new phase in life, with new challenges, new joy, new expectations, new responsibilities... Less time, more reflections to be done. Less attention, more people to attend to. As adulthood progresses, time runs out faster than you can blink. I can only imagine what it will be like when the little one comes along :) Also noticed a new dimension to my reflections - compassion, empathy for others, whether it is warranted or not. I started to noticed how "hard logic" I used to be, partly due to my conversations with my younger sister. She makes the kind of judgment, reasoning that I used to say and I realised the element of empathy is sorely lacking. It really takes another person to make you understand yourself better. Empathy - something that is not taught in school, in our system. In fact, most soft skills aren't. Most things that aren't quantifiable have no place in our schools. Unfortunately, without the endorsement from school curriculum, column in our PSLE, O'lvl, A'lvl certificate, we seemed to have forgotten the importance of imparting such skills/values to our next generation. But I digressed. Empathy, makes life more complicated, no longer black/white, even if something is not a logical conclusion, you find yourself being able to sympathize with someone's choice in life. Choice - "We have the freedom to choose, but we cant choose the consequences." In Buddhism, this relates to the concept of Karma. Over the past two days, I've been trying to reconcile what I've seen and my beliefs. Trying to rationalise, and understand actions of others, my possible response and how such response is consistent with my beliefs. If we have faith in the concept of Karma, we would understand and pity those whose acts are not inline with the 5 precepts. But the actual practice of holding yourself back from hurting this people (with words), from letting go of the words they say (even if it is not targetted at myself), requires a lot of restraint and practise; requires a lot of faith in the teachings. One of the first questions I asked myself was, "Are we just going to take it lying down? not retaliate? Not to teach them, let them know how much pain they are causing?" And the communicator in me asked "What is their version of truth? Why is it they see things so differently? What can we understand from their 'accusation'? Is there no way to mediate this and find a common ground?" And the buddhist in me said "Everything is due to cause and effect. To retaliate is to perpetuate the cycle. Try as we might to stay in peace - Buddha said "A gift not accepted, remains with the person bearing the gift." An insult that is not received, will remain with the person who made that comment." In the initial stages, I definitely cannot see how I could sympathise with such characters, who view other's dignity as faeces and their possessions as definition for their lives, to be compassionate towards these people because of the way they lead their lives. Until now, I am still unable to bring myself to dedicate any type of goodwill to them... I'm no saint, and at the most I could do is to save myself and not harbour any hatred towards them. Life offers lessons, we can, through reflection, learn from ourselves.