well, i wanted to put some pictures up, decided to do it some other day...

i have a confession to make.
i haven been myself these few days. as much as i try to make myself look like i'm in control, i wasn't.. i was overwhelmed by what happened on friday.. a single msg broke down all my defenses, the walls that i carefully built up, making myself believe that i was healing... i was very wrong, i wasn't healing, i was hiding. Like an ostrich with its head in the sand, i tot i would feel better if i hid away..
i thought...
well, no surprise, it didn't work very well. i lost it.. i cant work very well, wasn't really myself, compulsive msging syndrome came back.. i completely, lost all dignity in front of him..
until today, i knew i had to seek help .. when i went to sakae all alone for dinner..

thank you, kaiwei. For picking up my call so readily, always answering to my calls during my most desperate times.. listen to me cry amidst the stupid jokes i try to crack, in order to mask my desperation.. thank you for walking, taking me through the difficult times, like a trusting candle in a long dark tunnel.. even though you are suppose to be enjoying your break, enjoying the company of your friends.. you were there, right beside me, thou you were as lost as i am... you lend me your support.
girl, you may not see this.. just want to tell you that, you might think that you might never settle down because of your fear.. but you have nothing to fear, you have all the love in the world. There is one person, right there waiting for you.. and in time, that person will walk right up to you, provide you with all the love that you looked so hard for.. and you will love him. Like how you showered your family with your love.. like how u showed me you can love.. girl, being there for me is love. and you are capable of doing it... ;)

Thank you, don..
i'll always remember what you said today..
"Nothing is permanent, we'll just have to do our best to take the best out of it. It is when you try so hard to make it lasts, that you hurt urself.. and possibly hurt the ones that you love.."
Today, you made me realised what it really meant by "if you love a person, you got to set him/her free, and yourself too.." because you added "because that's probably what he needs you to do.."
you forced me to look deep inside me today.. you forced me to admit that after all these while of telling myself - i want to move on... I have yet to set my heart and soul to do it.. Like you say, being willing to move on means a commitment to myself, to walk out of that shadow in whatever sense i deem fit.. it may take a physical act - to delete his number, to avoid places.. and eventually the mind..
you forced me to ask myself what did i want to take out of all that i've done.. you forced me to admit that there was a glimpse of hope that never really went out.. you made me faced the ugly me, the one that was really causing the pain all these while..
"have you given all the love you could when you were with him?" i dare say i did..
you made me realised that everything that i'm giving now, will only cause pain, both to me and him.. a feeble attempt to extend what sweet memories we had..
you made me realised that in an attempt to find the happiness that i once had, i've been inflicting pain upon myself and him..
Don, you might not see this, but you have further affirmed my belief that everything happened for a reason. had i not went to siam that night, i wouldn't have known you guys. although i have heard the things you've said, i haven really KNOW them.. they were merely words until understood.. and you, my fren, made me understand them.
you might think that your whole life is merely to cope with rejection.. but seriously, you are so much more, greater than what you think you are.. your words have woke me up, something many pple have tried but failed.. that is the man that the chicks need to see, the great man inside you, beneath that cheeky cover, a defence that you put up.. perhaps to protect yourself from being hurt.. ;) thank you once again, for reassuring me that you'll be ard when things get tough..

"nothing is permanent"
that's why they say people have a natural tendency to make themselves miserable, and they are very good at it.. because they try so hard to make something temporary lasts, only to be disappointed - because it'll never happen.. nothing is here to stay forever. that's why u feel sad.. then you work so hard to keep it going.. only to find that it's unhappiness you achieve, when you set out to achieve happiness. the kind of happiness that you first tasted when you had what you wanted..

the car that looked like his, driving towards yj today, made me cursed at the big guy up there.. agitated at why he has to put me through things like that, reminding me every chance he has..
i realised something..
that car, only has as much meaning as i attach to it.. originally, it's just a car, a machine, a transport without any emotional value attached to it... i've placed a value on it, because my heart said so.. but basically it's jus a car...
it's difficult to express, i'm not doin a very good job..
but perhaps tt's what they mean by,
originally there was nothing,
so where can the dust reside?
and
it wasn't the leaf moving, but my heart (mind) moving..

when you understand that, memories will be memories. the carpark, the restaurant, the school in your memories, will remain and different from those that you see right in front of you.
because that carpark you see, is just another carpark, really.

cheers.

i'm addicted to writing in my no-one-knows blog..

few updates
1) i'm moulding - my skin is peeling, and i'm not goin out ..
2) i'm not even half way thru my memo.. i'm here typing a blog..
3) pleas, dont worry yourself with who "cockroach" is, definitely not one of you.
4) my week "break" is over soon, and my term starts with a take home ppr.. i just love my life, wat else can i ask for ?
5) i bot a new pair of slippers..
6) my house goin to have air con soon, i'm happy :)
7) i'm meeting my yj pals on saturday!!!! i'm more than happy :))
8) I haven done anyting for law club since sch reopened, they are VERY pissed off with me.. I"M ESCALATED hahahahah
9) i realised that coffee is no longer good.. i think i nid caffeine pure man... hahah extreme extreme...
10) i also realised i'm growing really fat.. and yes, the usual excuse, no time to exercise...
11) i really want a MuVo micro... 512 mb.. any rich guy out there wanna get me a really advance bday gift?

life..
aint it mundane to go thru all these over and over again..

wr

cockroach G! You are so successful at making me hate you. damn you!!!
i'll never be so stupid again...
please get away from me..
as far as you can.. africa, america..

i hate you.

LaSt PiCTure oF tHE daY!! And the most meaning full one.. To the family in this picture, i hereby ask for your permission to post this picture. and if you are in any way offended, please send me an email at wr1779@hotmail.com. i'll take it down.. It is meaningful not only because it is heart warming.. as i understand (i'm sorry i eavesdropped.. really cant help it.. i was all alone!) the mother (lady in red) and granddaughter stays in the states, and they're only back for new year.. initially the kid was tired and lying on the seat, which was very uncomfortable.. her mum din wanna carry her cos her shoulder was too hard for the kid.. the grandma volunteered. there was no sense of awkwardness (if there's such a word) between the grandma and the kid.. and i quote from the mum "you fit just like a jigsaw puzzle.." if that wasn't heart warming enought - before this, the kid jumped up from the seat to give her granny a kiss on the lips.. i simply melted, smiling to myself.. i wonder how often do you see a granddaughter so sweet in singapore.. it left more than a lasting impression, it left me hope and faith in love. there's love actually in the world, it's just not publicise enough.. Have you seen a loving scene that touched you today? share it.. we need more love in the world, less cynism.. :) 

mE N a MonKey.. hahaha guess she's jus as bored as i was.. i promised her i'll put it on the web hahahah presenting... my eldest sister... it's difficult to see how we are related.. i mean i look like a human i think.. hahahah now people who think i'm crazy can understand why i turn out like dat.. look at how i'm brought up!!! sigh.. it's really not my fault.. HA HAzz *self entertaining again* 

HahaHAha a rather blur picture of me and my er jie!!! entertaining myself.. not a very nice picture :p shan't comment much muahZzz 

On the left is a my eldest sister, the right - my er jie... hee.. they look so small right?? i wonder what happened to me.. bTw if you guys refer to below.. yeah we were still waiting in the kitchen like maids.. anyhow, i love my sisters!!!! MuaHAHaha oh yah i have a younger one.. yet to take any picture of her.. hahah soon soon.. i have about 12 days or so to do it... 

My MuMMY!! mUAhHAh at my grandma's house waiting to eat reunion dinner... i felt like maid waiting for my masters to finish their food. It was Sooooo warm that day!! Moreover there were so many peopLE!, so making me wait din really help me control my temper.. Had to entertain myself by taking lots of pictures.. more to come. haha ha 

my onLy ELdeR God BrOther..  

hey jie: thankz for the compliment, i doubt i'll be able to give you a good ans on that.. but do you seriously think when you own nothing (tangible) you own nothing at all? and when you feel neither happy nor sad, you are feeling nothing?

as for confidence - i do not have confidence that i can explain the verse well, because i have not learnt enough, i'm yet to be enlightened or perhaps, will never be.. I have to put a disclaimer, in case some professional decides to sue me for sprouting nonsense about their religion.. :) i can't write as if i noe everything, and den maybe mislead the readers... i'm saying read my entries with doubts in your mind..

In fact, you're right, i seem to be confident, but not actually.. it happens when your confidence is derived from something else, when you lose that something, you gradually lose definition of yourself, and finally yourself.
i was advised by my fren to take some time to find myself..

the truth is out there?

happy chinese new year to everyone...

wr

today is the eve of Chinese new year's EVE, shld never have worn the black shirt this morning.. or maybe i'm just pushing the blame of my incompetency to the supposedly bad luck colour (as what most of us will do)
it would be really unwise for me to go thru the day's events, after telling my fren how his fren's blog jus talks about nothing..
i can only say i'm really questioning my human relations skills.. i'm not as good at handling people as i used to be, or maybe as i tot i used to. jus imagine, if one day paul decides to dump me, or something, who am i goin to hang out with?
yet, i really dun feel like investing emotions on people and time.. it's so tiring, emotionally, physically and mentally. not only must you hang out with them frequently; being in a group means you have to compromise your individuality, you have that kind of problem even if you are with a person, let alone a group. you gotta keep worrying about how other people feel when you do something, when you say something, after you say something; gotta keep them "entertained", show that you're worth hanging out with..

-don't care so much about what others say-

you hear this time and again, yet how far can you take it? as long as you stay around people, you will care about what other people say... i'm not so much as working to please and make people love me, make me the most popular girl in the faculty. at least i dunwan to be the most hated person in the block, to be "right" instead of stepping on everyone's tail and get myself no where.. in order to do that, i'll definitely have to take into considerations what other people say, don't i?

it's new year...
i should spend sometime looking for myself, and catch up on school work..
it really feels like i'm losing it.
I look inside, i find a void.
I ask myself, "what are you looking for?"
i guess i really don't have an answer to that...
i'am seen, heard everyday.
yet i dun feel my presence..
where is it i'm heading, how do i define my life?
how do i WANT to define my life?

when you look ard and u realise that you simply cannot be on the same wavelength as the people ard you, are u abnormal? or you unique?
i'm suffocating myself.
someone told me that "it's human nature to want to keep themselves in misery"
i'm not sure the premises he had in mind when he told me this, but there is some truth in it.. you put all ur energy to focus on how difficult it is to move on, how the wind is against you... you jus put yourself down so much that you forgot how is it to feel happy again..
i told paul "human's default position is unhappy, then there are these few happy moments that punctuate your life..." rather 'wrong' kind of thinking to have in mind, really unhealthy..
oh, before i go on, i have to clarify that i DO NOT think it's cool to say "life's suckz.. just shoot me." On the contrary, i used to be a happy girl that loves to live the happy life with little unhappy moments..

if only i can stop manifying my problems.

now here's where i reply my fren's blog, who commented on sin's tag msg -
Never cling on to what is dear and what is not dearNot seeing what is dear and seeing what is not dear are both painfulHence hold nothing dear, for separation from what is dear is badThere are no bonds for those to whom nothing is dear or not dear- Dharmapada verses 210-211

When you know nothing dear and nothing not dear to you, you manage to find an equilibrium to your state of mind. Because you will not be sad due to losing something dear; and otherwise. For example, you feel unhappy if you lose your fone, because it's something dear to you. When you see someone you dislike, you're unhappy as well..
the central understanding of buddhism, as i believe and understand, stems from the duality of all things. as you learn about happiness, you know sadness; as you learn about possessing, you know losing;as you hear, sometimes you tend to become deaf, do you not? and of cos, the list goes on...
much of our lives are spent bouncing between these two "walls", so to speak, seldom can we maintain in the equilibrium.. for example you're escalated when buy a pair of earrings that you really like; the next minute you can be hating yourself for dropping one of them..
Is the happy feeling really what you classify as happiness? Conditional happiness, you rely on something else to feel 'happy'- like receiving a present, eat your favourite cake... it's short lived..
in order to find something call happiness (as we term it), i think we gotta go to a higher level than that.. an innate happiness.. i would like to define that as the equilibrium point.. to term it in a more cliche manner, when you attain enlightenment.. you find that when you break down events, are just a matter of cause and effect.. you realise that if there was not a cause, there wouldn't be a laptop right in front of me.. if there wasn't for my fren's blog, i wouldn't be writing this really long (and perhaps dumb entry to some people). you realise on a higher level that certain things, almost everything doesn't call for you to be hopping mad, or madly estatical or really suicidal.
you find peace.
you still grow, learn when you are in a state of peace, my fren.. you don't lose your bond.. you don't ignore the bond, you understand the nature of the bond..

well that's my two cents worth.. seriously i don't think it's a very good piece, maybe a very flawed understanding of what buddhism is about.. but this is how i understand and feel about it.. i wish i can find that strength inside to follow it.


wr

i ought to be sleeping now, it's 1230hrs already another 2 days before new year.
hahaha just went to the market with my mum, they were selling all those new year sweets.. i was trying to talk my mum out of buying all those things this year, at most buy only a little for show.. i dun think the vendor was very happy with me.. anyhow, really don't feel like celebrating chinese new year. i'm not even ashame to say that i do not feel like going to my grandma's house and see all those people that i seldom see but call them a family.. dun be mistaken, i don't hate them or anything likedat... i don't even feel anything for them.. our lives are so different, parallel lines that seems never will meet. Every year the three of us will try to find a corner to sit and watch the tv, while it seems like our family is growing bigger and bigger as the years go by. my cousins start to bring their the other half, sometimes even their cousins come over.. the table is so small that the people has to be divided into three groups to have their dinner.. which really makes one wonder, now what is the objective of having reunion dinner again?
i don't know about other races, but it seems to me that we're merely conducting the procedure of things, but its losing meaning as the years go by. which reminds me of a story...
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Long ago, there was a monastry and there were cats living in there. They were not pets of the monastry, merely living together with the monks (there's a big difference, they're not caught deliberately and kept for entertainment). They lived peacefully together but there was a big problem - every morning when the monks do their chanting, the cats keep roaming around the main hall (where the monks were) and kept purring. They were unable to keep the cats out of the main hall, so in the end, they tied them to the table in the main hall, which was furthest from them. Alas, they could chant in peace every morning.
However, many years later, after all the cats passed on and all the older monks left the mortal world, the monks continue to catch cats from the streets and tie them to the table while they do their morning chants. When asked why, they simply answer "It is tradition."
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and we're suppose to be of higher order..

i'm goin to bed..

my brother's brother, monkey jie <-new nick.. hahaha sorry cannot capture u in a better angle.. no difference also lah. MUAHAH 

my lil brother.. hahah took a cab to town togteher... it's been a while!!! 

phew, nearly 4 hours of re-doing my blog.. tiring but worth it. rather prouda myself, as a self taught html reader..
haha

i'm jus unhappy about the pictures, do i have to put one picture at a time in order to have to caption below directly.. lousy..

sigh. shall go to sleep.
nite

this is what i did today at olio domes with a good fren of mine. haha i took the picture and he said "evidence to show how boring i am rite?" haha jus to clarify that he's not boring, i'm the one with itchy hands. :p 

hee hee, and a pretty Rose from paul ;) this lady at subway commented that isn't it abit too early to celebrate v.day.. hahaah i was like "it's pre-v.day" and paul was like "everyday is v-day".. right... Lol..