random post again... no particular topic in mind. Lately I've learned once again to question myself "is this what i want to do" "what do you want out of this" constantly challenging my actions/inactions, perhaps over analysing somethings.. Over some conversation with my frens, i was forced to face myself, my actions. Forced to find this inner me that have been pulling the strings thus far.
At this stage, the last thing anyone can do is to slot what he or she has done nicely into "good" and "bad"... I'm no exception. All that i asked for, is to be able to answer myself this qn "will i regret my decision?"
When i came home one particular clubbing day, instead of being tipsy, i was too sober... And i told myself this "I'd rather walk away feeling bad for having done something, than regret not doing it." Many things must be clouding ur mind now, bout what could have happened at the club for me to think that. Simple, i did the supposedly 'correct' thing and come home regretting it. Why den i wanted to do that so bad? Beats me, perhaps i was never an angel to begin with?
To me right now, there is only two states i'm choosing between: "being happy" or "unhappy". If my happiness doesn't affect anyone else directly, i'm going ahead with it. And even for short lived ones.
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He saw an angel in me, carved out the wings so i could fly...
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another angel has seen the wings that escaped me... He told me it has been there, waiting for me to flap it..
I'm the one weighing myself down..
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When am i finally going to let my head rule..
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Ever heard of the frog prince? I've heard of the story where an urban lady, who was cynical and claimed no longer believe in love, kissed a frog upon much persuasion fro him. And she became a frog too...
Freaky?
Story of my life - I claimed to have given up.. All that i've given up, is hope in any real relationship. I still try to feel love, to find someone to love. But there's an sub-conscious effort to look for it in the wrong places. Telling myself that if there isn't a future, there is nothing to worry about, that i won't be hurt because the end can been seen, the end is already in place..
But in truth? Maybe i'm just hurting myself more. Maybe sub-consciously i've never gotten over C, that i've been trying to triumph the pain of that r/s, so that i can move on. Maybe I just want to expose myself to more pain so that i can finally give up hope, for real. Maybe I just don't care and don't wish to follow the book anymore, because there was no reaching the pot of gold for me..
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You maybe a challenge.. He maybe some comfort. But definitely not love.. Definitely not the way that i've learned it to be. But that's all that i want/need at this moment or maybe for good.
Drama mama, i hear..
Emo, i hear..
Almost 4 years since we parted... I really wondered how it would have turned out if we didn't part.. We'll probably still break up later part, because of the gap, the difficulties.. But at least i tried.
Why does an emo entry always ends with him??
argh...
Good night
