Me. Myself & i

well, i wanted to put some pictures up, decided to do it some other day...

i have a confession to make.
i haven been myself these few days. as much as i try to make myself look like i'm in control, i wasn't.. i was overwhelmed by what happened on friday.. a single msg broke down all my defenses, the walls that i carefully built up, making myself believe that i was healing... i was very wrong, i wasn't healing, i was hiding. Like an ostrich with its head in the sand, i tot i would feel better if i hid away..
i thought...
well, no surprise, it didn't work very well. i lost it.. i cant work very well, wasn't really myself, compulsive msging syndrome came back.. i completely, lost all dignity in front of him..
until today, i knew i had to seek help .. when i went to sakae all alone for dinner..

thank you, kaiwei. For picking up my call so readily, always answering to my calls during my most desperate times.. listen to me cry amidst the stupid jokes i try to crack, in order to mask my desperation.. thank you for walking, taking me through the difficult times, like a trusting candle in a long dark tunnel.. even though you are suppose to be enjoying your break, enjoying the company of your friends.. you were there, right beside me, thou you were as lost as i am... you lend me your support.
girl, you may not see this.. just want to tell you that, you might think that you might never settle down because of your fear.. but you have nothing to fear, you have all the love in the world. There is one person, right there waiting for you.. and in time, that person will walk right up to you, provide you with all the love that you looked so hard for.. and you will love him. Like how you showered your family with your love.. like how u showed me you can love.. girl, being there for me is love. and you are capable of doing it... ;)

Thank you, don..
i'll always remember what you said today..
"Nothing is permanent, we'll just have to do our best to take the best out of it. It is when you try so hard to make it lasts, that you hurt urself.. and possibly hurt the ones that you love.."
Today, you made me realised what it really meant by "if you love a person, you got to set him/her free, and yourself too.." because you added "because that's probably what he needs you to do.."
you forced me to look deep inside me today.. you forced me to admit that after all these while of telling myself - i want to move on... I have yet to set my heart and soul to do it.. Like you say, being willing to move on means a commitment to myself, to walk out of that shadow in whatever sense i deem fit.. it may take a physical act - to delete his number, to avoid places.. and eventually the mind..
you forced me to ask myself what did i want to take out of all that i've done.. you forced me to admit that there was a glimpse of hope that never really went out.. you made me faced the ugly me, the one that was really causing the pain all these while..
"have you given all the love you could when you were with him?" i dare say i did..
you made me realised that everything that i'm giving now, will only cause pain, both to me and him.. a feeble attempt to extend what sweet memories we had..
you made me realised that in an attempt to find the happiness that i once had, i've been inflicting pain upon myself and him..
Don, you might not see this, but you have further affirmed my belief that everything happened for a reason. had i not went to siam that night, i wouldn't have known you guys. although i have heard the things you've said, i haven really KNOW them.. they were merely words until understood.. and you, my fren, made me understand them.
you might think that your whole life is merely to cope with rejection.. but seriously, you are so much more, greater than what you think you are.. your words have woke me up, something many pple have tried but failed.. that is the man that the chicks need to see, the great man inside you, beneath that cheeky cover, a defence that you put up.. perhaps to protect yourself from being hurt.. ;) thank you once again, for reassuring me that you'll be ard when things get tough..

"nothing is permanent"
that's why they say people have a natural tendency to make themselves miserable, and they are very good at it.. because they try so hard to make something temporary lasts, only to be disappointed - because it'll never happen.. nothing is here to stay forever. that's why u feel sad.. then you work so hard to keep it going.. only to find that it's unhappiness you achieve, when you set out to achieve happiness. the kind of happiness that you first tasted when you had what you wanted..

the car that looked like his, driving towards yj today, made me cursed at the big guy up there.. agitated at why he has to put me through things like that, reminding me every chance he has..
i realised something..
that car, only has as much meaning as i attach to it.. originally, it's just a car, a machine, a transport without any emotional value attached to it... i've placed a value on it, because my heart said so.. but basically it's jus a car...
it's difficult to express, i'm not doin a very good job..
but perhaps tt's what they mean by,
originally there was nothing,
so where can the dust reside?
and
it wasn't the leaf moving, but my heart (mind) moving..

when you understand that, memories will be memories. the carpark, the restaurant, the school in your memories, will remain and different from those that you see right in front of you.
because that carpark you see, is just another carpark, really.

cheers.