Me. Myself & i

Donkey years since i last post anything here...
Just found out from a friend that he actually bothered checking my blog, thank you very much...
Not exactly feeling on top of the world right now, probably that's why i decided to blog :9
Been experiencing some of the most havoc times in my life thus far.. Seeing so many things, getting to know people.. Learning the ropes of relating to people and yet not revealing too much of my inner thoughts..

I'm putting myself through some sort of training... to try and shed the last bit of emotions in me... To learn how to compartmentalize my life. To put emotions aside whenever i have to. To master the ability to say "Life goes on" and mean it...

And today just put a big fat F on my report card for this training. The past still affects me, somehow. Not great impact.. but still, this bit of impact shouldn't even exist in the first place.. His leaving early, was for the best. It was then, it still is now.

Few days ago, i pondered about my current situation. Do i really want to be doing what i am doing right now? Am i really in control of what i am doing? What do i want out of them?
I insisted that i really want to be rid of troublesome emotions and any chance of serious relationship.
She told me that it was impossible, because at the end of the day, girls want to be in some form of fruitful relationship, whereby there is someone they can return to. I used to yearn that.. I used to work towards that in every r/s.. It just gets boring/tiring/exhausting emotionally.. To try and not work out. to try again and not work out again. why? to achieve what?

as compared to my current position.
I see, i learn, i practice.
The interesting people i meet.
The commitment, or lack thereof.

There are the good and the bad.
At this hour when i need to run to someone, i find no one around me... But this is another thing for me to learn... To pick myself up when i fall.. to build a happiness that is not dependable on another. That is real happiness.. That is independent happiness that i can achieve.

rah. signing off...