Me. Myself & i

i learnt something yesterday.
in fact alot of things.
too many to digest.

i only learnt yesterday that life is very very very unfair.
due to someone's angst (wonder if i spell it rite) in a blog, i was made to drop from de expedition. not given a choice, not given a chance to defend my cause, not given a chance to prove myself. i had no choice but to drop myself. jus becos someone felt too much for an issue and post it on a "self-proclaimed-not-frequent-by-many" blog. but even thou so, i cant kick a big fuss out of it. it's not an option to defend myself, it'll only make the issue snowball and get more pple involved... i cant even scold de bitch or bastard for making that comment that cost me the expedition. i cant even stand up for myself. it is that that makes all this impossible to swallow.

when pple write in their blog, knowing it is visible to the whole bloody world, why cant they jus practise abit more maturity, caution and put abit brain to it. it's not call WORLD WIDE WEB FOR NOTHING. of cos everyone is entitled to their views, but can their views be a little less extreme? causing a big hoo ha without themselves knowing it. yup, if they neva know, neva think, how would they know what they say can hav such repercussion?
but i'm jus pleading the whole wide world, all the bloggers to write with caution.

think for a sec, if you were put in my position, will u hate the person who wrote it? but i dun hate him/her for a sec, not trying to be noble, but aft reading all that he/she wrote, it's jus trying to give the world a piece of his/her mind, to make his/her thoughts known to the world. a channel for him/her to express him/herself. i have no position to hate him/her for that.

but he/she will neva noe what he/she has done. causing me so much misery, becos i'm forbidden to make known what i am being put thru because of that pathetically small paragraph.

i'm not trying to win sympathy here, but the expedition is something that i really have been looking forward to. i was prepared to work my heart out jus to make enough money to pay for it in full, when with the money i can go many other places. but it is the experience, the learning i can gain thru the expedition. people might mistake my intention, but i have a clear conscience.

u might think that if i have a clear conscience, why not continue? becos i happen to know that the world does not only evolves around me. i happen to understand that if i continue, i put others in tight position. i happen to know what repercussions will there be if i continue.

that is why i cannot allow myself to continue with my passion. i can sacrifice anything within my means to continue this passion for learning, but can i sacrifice others? is it rite to sacrifice others? years of education and i, myself, will not allow myself to do that.

that is why i am force to drop myself. and not able to defend myself. being treated more unfairly than a murderer, who has a chance to a fair trial. to be proven guilty. ME? i have to bow down to the situation, to stop the situation from getting out of hand.

perhaps i can go for other expeditions. but only i, myself, will ever understand the difference. aft knowing the expedition team for 3 wks, i really, really wish to see them thru the expedition, to see how they change from now to betta, from being ashamed to be in my alma mater, to being proud to be in it. to see a change in culture in my alma mater... to help them see a difference in themselves, that all of them still have a chance to become betta, to achieve what i failed to becos of my focus on academic results. basically to see my juniors develop as persons...

it's such a small wish, yet i'm not able to pursue it, not being able to make it come true jus because of someone's blog. because of him/her tryin to make a point, which has yet to be proven, thus costing me my place. yes, it's not even proven with evidence. and the situation is such that i have to give it up. give up something that i've been looking forward since last year dec. something i've worked so hard for. something i've been prepared to work hard for. something i see as a turning point in my life. something so small to others, yet to me, it is something i really value, and wish jus to be given the chance to complete it.

in the past, celebrities commit suicide because of rumours. jus to prove their innocence. isn't this another way of being wronged? wasn't this, when watching dramas and movies, people sympathize with those victims. WHY THEN, in reality are they putting others thru the same pain and misery of being wronged?!

anyway, as the movie 'love actually' puts it, the world is full of negative reports. we are too caught up with other people's ugly side, that we forgot the value of our good side. there are million of divorce cases happening ard de world, but have you forgotten that there are also million of pple still happily married aft 30 years. people are losing faith in humanity, becus they are desensitised by negative reports. sigh, can i blame them for seeing me in that light?

i'm trying to make a point here, i sincerely wish, hope everyone do some thinking when they wanna diss a person, a community, a country or post their views on certain issues. THERE ARE PPLE READING. and take responsibility for wat u post online. dun blame any one if you are de one getting de shit instead of others like my case. because if de shit is from you, u betta be able to get urself out of the shit.

sigh...
i really wanna go to the expedition, but even if given the chance, i cant now....

nobody's listening...
nobody will ever hear me cry for unjustice...

cheers