Me. Myself & i

so much for current affairs, tonight the other side of the gemini speaks..

Had a couple of rough weeks with my boyfriend, was on the verge of breaking up. i'm glad that's out of the way right now.. will it be peace all the way now? i wonder..

i talked about my dreams and my dilemma.. on one hand, i wish to be volunteer, to be a teacher, to give back to society.. on the other, i really wanna make lotsa money, bring my parents travelling, drive a nice car.. yes, the twins bickering in my head.. I know that i'll definitely be happier being a giver.. but i don't wanna be sloggin my life away.. hence i said i wanted to give myself 3 years working as a professional before deciding if i really wanted to be a teacher. I told him if i was really miserable, i would then go into teaching.. He said why be miserable first den, when you can go and teach directly?
first, because unless you were miserable before, you cannot appreciate the kind of happiness you can derive from something else. Unless you were miserable before, you cannot understand how much better of you are subsequently. Being there and knowing what it is, are completely different.
second, if you had been a professional, your words carry weight in the school. You move up faster. "How high do you want to climb?" When people listen to me, when i can introduce new things into the school without much effort..i did not want to be some normal teacher who takes instructions from the school and then carry them out.. That will totally defeat the purpose of me wanting to become a teacher. I wanna inject new life to current lessons, i wanna make education a different experience for the kids, i want to change their lives. He then say that being a normal teacher can be happy too, raising his mum as an eg. An alarm sounded in my head, i steered the conversation away.. i totally respect teachers and what they do, by saying i wish to do things differently does not mean they are not doin a good job. Since we were talking about his mother's occupation, i tot i better avoid goin further before i go into the danger zone again..
Sigh, which made me realise one thing.. He doesnt really understand my dream, he doesn't really understand me enough in that sense... I've always told him how i wanted to help the students, the things i would do if i had a class, my tution kids.. but he doesn't get it... He doesn't understand why am i doing all these things, just like my sister who said she will never take up a teaching role unless lecturing in university.
i dont even know if i will end up teaching, but somehow, i am very uncomfortable to be together with someone who can tell me i can be happy being a normal teacher. Totally missing the point of why i want to be a teacher. It's like he tripped an alarm and it hasn't stop sounding since just now..
The impact was reinforced, when he dropped me at the bus stop without seeing me up, when i had 2 textbooks, a pullover, a laptop, a bag and a packet of rice to bring upstairs.. I know he has a headache, i know it is troublesome to park the car, i know i shouldn't expect so much.. but i'm a girl after all... Even if all he did was asked if he had to see me up, i would have ask him to go home and rest instead, gladly.. yes, hypocritical, superficial if he all he wanted to do was pretend he cared.. but the sad fact is, women are this gullible, women are suckers for these acts, trust me.. All you have to do, is look really beaten, with innocent eyes, say "darling, do you need me to help you with those and see u up? My headach is slightly better now, dun worry bout me." and the girl will ask you to drive home carefully with her textbooks falling all over. yes, the power of words...
However, i know that if i told him that, he'll ask me "you really want me to say that when i don't mean it? why are u always expecting me to be someone else?" He doesn't understand that there is no someone else that i want him to be, that is a kind of communication between couples, between two individual human beings who see each other almost half a day, everyday. Such act leads to a win win situation, the girl gets the emotional satisfaction, the guy gets to go home and sleep. what could be better? It only takes a few more words on the guy's part, and the girl to be a girl, that's IT.

Just read my fren's blog, trying to move on from her break up.. Like all girls who got a bastard as boyfriend or ex-bf, left hurt and trying hard to move on, losing her identity.. Grabbing on to her religion like a floating piece of wood in the vast open sea.. I'm sick of hearing the same old story repeating itself... i donno how to comfort her, because just not too long ago, i was in her position. Losing myself, whinning day and night, crying like a baby... walking in the shadow of my previous relationship, seems like i'll never walk out of it..
i just wish she can be strong so that she can stand up again. No one can help her but herself.. she's right about one thing, things will never be the same again.

Why?
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People exercise restraint on themselves.
alot of things i yearn to do, wish to think of, hope i can have.
I have to stop my thoughts, not even actions.
That is what being an adult is about rite?

When you were young, the adults stop you from doing this and that, you wish you'd grow up faster.
When you are an adult, you have all the freedom to do things now. But u realised that many things you weren't allowed to do when you were young, usually you don't do them as adults, because you now exercise self restraint.

The same restrictions, jus in different forms.

Wat is freedom?

I hate people.