Me. Myself & i

Sigh..

Since this is the year that most of my friends turn 21, i got all excited after attending two parties, and decided to start planning my own. Thinking i'll have the kind of treatment that my two elder sisters had, my maternal aunts and uncles gave them Ang baos and celebrated their birthday..
My third aunt, one who has the most say around the house, just told me that if i don't do well this sem, i can forget about celebrating my birthday.
I'm not too sure how to take this.. (not my gemini nature acting up..) I guess on one hand you can say that she has so much confidence in my brains, that even i don't have. Thinking that with some incentive, maybe i'll perform to the fullest potential.
On the other, i just feel.. helpless. I really really don't think i'll be able to do well. It's as if someone is telling me, unless the world is flat, we will celebrate your birthday. But i'm sure she's got my interests at heart. However, using my results as a condition is more depressing than anything.
How can i explain to her, that it is not within my control? (Insert the whining about bad results here)

I can feel myself giving up the struggle. From a law school hopeful to someone who is just trying to stay afloat. I know becoming negative wont help, but i guess i cannot face anymore disappointment. At some point, you let urself down so badly, that you start joking about it. It doesn't necessary mean you have accepted the fact, just means you have given up. Why fight it when the jokes will come anyway.

I still rem how i told paul last sem, that i want to prove to others that i can fight for the good grades... Now, i'm not even participating in class.

It is easy to back out. I told myself, if they don't want to celebrate my 21st, den i'll just have a simple affair. I guess if the verdict is such, i don't even want to celebrate if i miraculously do reasonably do well. Perhaps it's too extreme to say that my happiness is judged by my results, but that's the way i feel..

At the end of the day, i still want to believe if you really put your mind to it, you will be able to do it...

Cheers,
WR