Me. Myself & i

I'm back :)
bought lotsa stuff, spent lotsa money, made lotsa frens, learnt lotsa stuff...

I went at the age of 19, came back at the age of 20..
I wish I can say that I've grown up, that i can tell pple i'm already a young lady at the age of 20.
I don't know if its true.
but i learnt yesterday that perhaps i've matured a little from the time i left singapore..

I have so many things to say, i really don't know where to start..
so many things have changed since i left and its barely two weeks.
Apart from my age, my relationship, my understanding of myself, of niang niang. realisation..

We broke up yesterday. I guess one can consider that a mutual understanding. I guess i really dun wish to dwell on it here... Breaking up after i touched down in singapore isn't one of the things that i wanna share with my frens right now..

I realised i'm not as strong as i tot myself to be, not as independent. Although there is a chinese saying that goes like if you depend on ur family when your at home, in a strange land, you can only depend on your frens. The Thais had no complains about helping out as well. I realised that without their help, i could very well just have stayed in my hostel for the 3 days, instead of bringing home so many things for my family. I'm grateful for their hospitality. They've definitely went out of their way to take care of me. If any of them were to drop by singapore, I'd definitely make it a point to make them feel at home in singapore. This is my promise to them. Because frens like this, i'll never find anywhere.. Thou there is distant, i guess this distant will be the very element that will keep the frenship alive. Their beliefs in frenship, their faith in friends, their effort, made me realised that, there can be true frens actually.. they have wiped out my cynical belief that once i come back, everything returns to normal, they'll forget about me and i will to them.. perhaps its still to early to say.. but i guess i have faith in them..

I've also realised that i'm not so good at making conversation anymore. Even though i still get comments from my singaporean frens saying i mixed well with them, many a times i find myself stuck in a conversation. Awkward pauses became rather common. I tried dismissing them with reasons like communication difficulties and i was not in sync with the person i was talking to.. But i guess i'm more lively than that, i used to have a lot of crap to say to strangers..

Before the trip, i was worried about travelling with niang niang. There are many things which she cannot get used to, plus she's a little hot-tempered. I was worried if i could handle that, together with the stress of finding our way ard... I was totally wrong about her.. which shows that i've yet to know this fren, whom i've known for 5 years, very well. I'd always rem that on the first day, after we nearly got cheated by a taxi driver, i was in a state of uncertainty. Both of us were tired, i went for a shower. When i was done, i saw her reading the maps, thinking of a good way to get into our secluded hostel the next time we take a cab. There was no complains, no whining, no anger. She was stronger, more adaptable than me. Also, when my thai frens brought me ard, we usually have more things to say to each other. Niang niang will be left alone.. In singapore she wont feel too good about this, hence i was worried if she might get angry. however, my worries proved to be redundant. She was alright with being left alone, listening to our conversation. She even commented that the thais were really very nice people.

I guess one could say that a person will act differently when he/she goes abroad, or faced with difficult situation. I wont say its different, i'd say its an innate personality, the true self showing. That characteristic seldom shows itself when one is in his/her comfort zone. Knowing one's true self actually tells one how far you can go, how strong you are. For me, i know i'd always be relying on pple, relying on my skills relating to pple instead of myself, which is unreliable. For niang niang, she can pretty much go a long way if she wants to, because she relies on herself instead. i'm so proud of you.. You go, girl!

i realised the importance of my family. the value of my family. and the blessings i possess all along through all the tests i've been put through..
my daddy asked my sister EVERYDAY about me. my grandma asked my dad when i was coming back.. i ran to my granddad the first thing i got home, holding his hand makes me wanna cry.. i hugged my elder sister for the first time in many years because i brke up.. my younger sister saved up her allowance to buy me a handfone chain for my birthday.. my second sister came home early just to see me.. My mum cooked really nice dishes yday night to welcome me home... I even had a cake to celebrate my birthday.. :,) oh yeah, and daddy went all the way to the airport to fetch me when he was already near home...

paul was right, there're so many things that are impt to a person's life instead of a relationship..

"Learn to be alone, before you learn to live with someone else in your life.." -fr a good fren

its high time i learn how to.