Me. Myself & i

I'm jus curious, its the first time someone's loved ones are worried for him for dating me.. It just brings to mind those typical story lines when a vulnerable girl is dating a thug, or a triad leader. haha I don't know what to think.

i've never asked him not to go to church, i've never told him not to follow God's way, i've never stop him from doing his missionary works. In fact, i've told him i'd like to know wat is God's way of dealing with problems. Now that i'm tired of searching a way of my own, i'm really tired. The more that i tried, the deeper i fall. I don't know what is it that i'm seeking. I know what i ought to do, but more often than not, i follow my heart instead of my head.
i guess he is going through a lot of pain right now, judging from his email, having to choose between his faith and me. I guess the choice is obvious. His faith encompasses his family, his frens, his life. Maybe i should help him to make his choice an easier one. I've tried hard enough to maintain this r/s.. I guess i've given enough assurance, if he/they cannot give me time, i guess my existence in his life will only bring him more pain..

well, i guess all my love stories are rather exciting, always a drama element to them. A couple seperated by religion/family, hahahahhaha i thought such things only happen in the 50s or 60s. What a joke, i'm laughing so hard. hahahhahaha
Mayb by the end of my life, i would have experienced all kinds of special story lines that i see on tv. That isn't a bad idea at all. mayb i can even enter the Guinness world record.. "Experiencing most number of movie plots in reality" Hahahahah, then i can write a book, the royalties will go to my kids, if i have any

你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏
人怔怔看情感慨
不能给你未来
我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪掉下来，
伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白

我给你最多的疼爱
是手放开
不要一张双人床
中间隔着一片海
感情的污点
就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋

最多的疼爱
是手放开
不想用言语拉扯
所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台
有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌
写着等待

if i was the one in pain, i can hold on. I am willing to wait. I am willing to put the relationship to test. It may sound stupid, because perhaps in the end, i'll feel even worst for holding on.. However, if he still loves me and there is a possibility that we can make it through, no matter how slim, i'm willing to give it a shot. I won't give up even before we try, i dont wanna squash his hopes.
However, i'm not the one in pain, i'm not the one with difficult decisions to make, i'm de one to be given up. I'm de one to be leave behind because of big reasons, because of themselves. I'm not the one to choose. A relationships hinges on his/their decisions. Its no longer about us. I'm out of the picture. I feel like an animal up for sacrifice...
how can they be so selfish? They never asked me what i want?
They move on easy.
they leave me behind.
One's got a career to think of, one's got his religion, his loved ones, his space to breathe.
its all about them..

Is that all it is about?
Is that what love is about?
Me? myself and I?

they asked me what do i want out of the relationship with paul.
i don't know.
someone once told me, for everything you do, you must have a motive behind it.
I don't know.

I'm jus following my feelings, my emotions, my intuition. In retrospect, you can definitely put a hundred and one motives, reasons to it. At the time of doing something, most of the time i'm jus working on first instincts. Even though most of the time, what i do turned out to be 'wrong'.

Don't say you'd protect me,
when in the end, you'll be the one that hurt me the most.
Because in the end, you'll cause my tears.
Because, there will always be an end.
Don't say you'd love me forever,
when in the end, we'll still part.

Its not your fault, its mine.
will i really feel better by your saying of that?

Wenrong