When i see her anxious face, so afraid that my dad would find out that i returned home late yet again, I felt a sense of guilt.. Something that i haven felt for a long time, or perhaps something that i tried to brush aside for the longest time. I guess even though i hate the control they're exercising on me, i have to oblige.. I'm bowing down because i don't want them to quarrel because of me. Because i don't want mom to be in that difficult position, to help me cover up and worry for me at the same time.. Because i know they love me.
I really have no idea what has gotten into me. I want to be out there, to play, to enjoy the company of my friends so much. I want to forget about what is it to be the old me. To be someone that is more energetic, see more things, laugh about things.. to have a more exciting life before it is all over. Before i have to say "okie destiny, take control of my life" "work, here i come" "goodbye sleep". Before i have do more of what they expect of me and less of what i want to do. Before i have to get married, work and lead a boring life like the rest of those who were borned a few years earlier than me right now...
I guess everything that i'm doing, is sort of my way of saying "I refuse to conform like the rest of them" To be in a relationship, as long as the guy is passable, then wait a few years to get married and get a HDB flat. Then give birth to a kid before i'm 30 years old.. Afterwhich, every little bit of love between the couple will be used up, all the attention will be on the child and how to finance the family.. The love between the couple stop developing, they become more like relatives than lovers.. Sex becomes a ritual, or an avoidable topic. Dating means diapers and milk bottle. Weekends become in-laws-days. Everyday talk about what school to send the baby, what tuition the kid needs, how much are the bills, dad's birthday is here again...
It scares me... Or perhaps what i don't know actually is the most scary. I forgot how does it feel to love someone so much you wanna marry him/her. How long has it been? 3 years? Or maybe i'd rather not ever to meet someone like that again, or someone who makes me feel like that again.. The one and only time i truly felt i've found that someone.. Maybe i was naive, still fill with fantasy about 'love'... Maybe it was real. I'd never know :D
What i am doing now, i have no idea. For the fun, for the time, for i'm still young.. I do not have a good explanation. I refuse to stay in line, i don't want to be proper. because at the end of the day, all that you've give, it wont be rewarded. Now is what you have, what you can be sure of.
The old cycle.. Boy meets girl, girl meets boy. Boy likes girl, go after her with flowers and movies, tell her he loves everything about her. Girl start to like boy, they got together. Boy starts to complain about everything the girl was before and more, but they hold on still. Until they decided it is too difficult to continue... 3 times of this is enough.
If i already know the outcome, at least i can fully enjoy the process without worrying about it. Tt's why.
-rang wo xing dong de ren-
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