Me time with you.

Lying on my side, and I feel you kicking me vigorously..

Though it has become quite a usual ritual, today I feel that it is unusually special. Knowing that you will be arriving soon and I will no longer remember how it feels to have you kicking inside me, makes it so special that I have to record it somewhere.

It has been a smooth journey with you so far. I look forward to meet and fall in love with you, if I haven't already.

Lessons from the past 8 months.

Last stretch of the marathon or hardly the start, some might say. Looking back at the last 8 months, reflecting on the journey. Pregnancy definitely has some effect on me and made me realised some things about myself. As much as I aspire to show/display self-control, it is easy to do so when things are going well, the conditions favour my choice of "controlling my emotions, controlling my thoughts, controlling my actions". It matters more when the conditions are lacking/not favourable, that I can also display such control - which requires a lot more mindfulness and communication with one-self. Sometimes, it seems almost impossible and it feels unfair that I should control myself (because of whatever reasons) and all hell breaks loose (I mean HELL). Besides blaming on hormones, I can only say that I am only human and strive to do better at the next test. "Seeking balance" is also a recurring theme during this period of time. After reading and listening to advice relating to child birth/rearing, it is still a blur to me what I wish to do. I have a general idea that I wish our child can have a childhood but do not know what exactly I would do for her in this aspect. The only thing that is clear to me, is not to go to the extreme. Be it in preparing for her arrival, thinking about her learning, caring for her... I just hope these things are instinctive and comes naturally once she is here. In any event, we would have to take one-step-a-day, and recognise that it would be impossible to have a 5 year plan like building a corporation. Also, I read a story online about a monk being tasked to wash a Venerable's robes after an all night meditation. The moral of the story is that "doing it is easier than thinking about it" - he was so angry thinking about the amount of work he had to do after an all-night meditation, that he started complaining to the narrator about it. The narrator, who initially wanted to offer an helping hand, told him "doing it is easier than thinking about it" and left. The monk thought about it and went about his chores, returning to the narrator at night to thank him for his advice. This simple story makes so much sense - more often than not, we freak out/get angry/overwhelmed by mammoth tasks and stop doing any thing about the task. Whereas, more often than not, when we start with one small portion of the work, very soon, we find ourselves completing the task eventually. This applies to work and also very much applies to me and the pregnancy/pending delivery/child rearing. The pregnancy thus far has been smooth and the past 8 months could be interpreted as a breeze, save for the current physical difficulties of backache, etc. After attending the ante-natal classes, in particular, the one about delivery, I momentarily freak-out. I panicked because of the potential pain involved, the messiness and how uncomfortable the aftermath might be - I was not sure I can get through that. Borrowing the moral of the earlier story, thinking and worrying about not being able to go through with it wouldn't help me at all... So I had to constantly remind myself to let these thoughts go and accept and adapt to whatever that will come with the situation. Freaking out just robs me of the time to enjoy my journey now, time to prepare mentally and practically for junior. Looks like junior is already teaching me a lot before her arrival :) I only hope I remember the journey and the lessons on this journey as my days become pre-occupied with nappy changing and milk pumping. May 2014 be a great year for one and all.

New Arrival & Self-reflection

Waiting for the arrival of a new member to form a family :) Counting down the last stretch. A whole new phase in life, with new challenges, new joy, new expectations, new responsibilities... Less time, more reflections to be done. Less attention, more people to attend to. As adulthood progresses, time runs out faster than you can blink. I can only imagine what it will be like when the little one comes along :) Also noticed a new dimension to my reflections - compassion, empathy for others, whether it is warranted or not. I started to noticed how "hard logic" I used to be, partly due to my conversations with my younger sister. She makes the kind of judgment, reasoning that I used to say and I realised the element of empathy is sorely lacking. It really takes another person to make you understand yourself better. Empathy - something that is not taught in school, in our system. In fact, most soft skills aren't. Most things that aren't quantifiable have no place in our schools. Unfortunately, without the endorsement from school curriculum, column in our PSLE, O'lvl, A'lvl certificate, we seemed to have forgotten the importance of imparting such skills/values to our next generation. But I digressed. Empathy, makes life more complicated, no longer black/white, even if something is not a logical conclusion, you find yourself being able to sympathize with someone's choice in life. Choice - "We have the freedom to choose, but we cant choose the consequences." In Buddhism, this relates to the concept of Karma. Over the past two days, I've been trying to reconcile what I've seen and my beliefs. Trying to rationalise, and understand actions of others, my possible response and how such response is consistent with my beliefs. If we have faith in the concept of Karma, we would understand and pity those whose acts are not inline with the 5 precepts. But the actual practice of holding yourself back from hurting this people (with words), from letting go of the words they say (even if it is not targetted at myself), requires a lot of restraint and practise; requires a lot of faith in the teachings. One of the first questions I asked myself was, "Are we just going to take it lying down? not retaliate? Not to teach them, let them know how much pain they are causing?" And the communicator in me asked "What is their version of truth? Why is it they see things so differently? What can we understand from their 'accusation'? Is there no way to mediate this and find a common ground?" And the buddhist in me said "Everything is due to cause and effect. To retaliate is to perpetuate the cycle. Try as we might to stay in peace - Buddha said "A gift not accepted, remains with the person bearing the gift." An insult that is not received, will remain with the person who made that comment." In the initial stages, I definitely cannot see how I could sympathise with such characters, who view other's dignity as faeces and their possessions as definition for their lives, to be compassionate towards these people because of the way they lead their lives. Until now, I am still unable to bring myself to dedicate any type of goodwill to them... I'm no saint, and at the most I could do is to save myself and not harbour any hatred towards them. Life offers lessons, we can, through reflection, learn from ourselves.

self-improvement

For all the knowledge I possess in communication, I fail to apply it to myself. :) Always room for self-improvement.

感恩。

这四天感恩有家人的照顾，包括先生的婆婆帮我张罗一餐。

Close of another chapter

Another chapter has ended today. Finally said goodbye to my work place for 3 years and 2 months. Not a long time, not too short either. The departure can accurately be described as bitter-sweet-and-spicy.. Bitter because there was a bigger push factor to leave than there was a pull factor; the sweetness of my co-workers, superiors, admin, friends and their support/love throughout the difficult times; spicy as even on the last day, we had to clash. Events leading up to the departure left me suspicious of my professional abilities. It is very challenging to reassure yourself that you are doing alright when your superior constantly reminds you otherwise, whether such opinion is substantiated or not. As with all experiences, I've learnt something out of this episode - it is that if your superior is "on your side", mistakes can be tolerated, otherwise, any small mistake can be made a grave one. This might come across as a cynical view, and it is probably because I am not able to express it properly. And the more important lesson is how stubborn I am... Stubborn and impulsive at times... Lastly, I need to re-evaluate and reflect on my attitude towards my superiors and people I deal with. My interactions with people at work lack intention, the interactions are very instinctive - I am instinctively very friendly with admin staff, very distant from superiors, etc. I need to put more thought into them and challenge my assumptions in my interaction with others at work. All the best to me :) 不经一事，不长一智。

家家有本难念的经。。。

Family issues are the most difficult, because there is family history, emotional baggages, financial implications and values of individuals. These are elements that are difficult to negotiate on its own, let alone to have them altogether... Usually, "right" or "wrong" is less clear, or may be secondary/peripheral to the actual issues. As such, there is a chinese saying - "清官难断家务事" - it is impossible for one to judge family matters, even for an upright and clear headed judge. Besides, long family history often makes matters more complicated. Grandparents, uncles, aunties, cousins, reciprocity, gifts, who failed to attend whoever's party, etc, tend to make matters worse. Sadly, many people presume that they can and should interfere with others' businesses, simply on the basis that they are "family" no matter how distant the core families are, causing much unnecessary grief and problems to others. On the flip side, those who are at the receiving end of the "evil treatment" can always turn a deaf ear to the noise. If these people matter, they wouldn't be saying such things, and if they don't, why are you bothered and as a result, hurt the ones who actually matter most, i.e. core family members? Easy to say. Difficult to carry out. I'm glad those who matter to me are above these gossips... :)

Both students commented about the haze today, goes to show how much the haze has affected our lives in this short span of one week. 

For me, the time off from my otherwise packed schedule meant I had time to see my parents. The shortage of masks helped me to appreciate how our family and friends reacted in times of crisis.

On a national level, amidst the complains, there are Singaporeans who have heart, and remember the less fortunate during the hard times. In stark contrast, our law-by-law ministers, ministries who only know how to quote hard facts and stay objective, it seems like they will never learn. Or perhaps, we have chosen and/or trained them to be robots. We have taken the "objective" yardstick too far. So much so that it is difficult for them to deal with organic and living beings, instead, we are merely digits and statistics. To address us, we are fed with more digits, statistics and records, treaties, etc. 

That, I feel, is the disconnect. 

Still learning about giving unsolicited advice to others; letting nature takes its course; and keeping my comments to myself.

Not in a passive manner, i think to be able to let things run the natural course is important. You react only when you are engaged - it is a bit like wing tsun, you only respond when your opponent is within the reacting range and engaged you, ie meeting of hands. And the engagement, should likely be on your terms.

There is no need for me to bounce to the other extreme, in retaliation or what not. I think the only thing I could do, is to put this into practice and be aware everytime I am on the verge of giving any advice.

一代新人换旧人

"Why do you still use a photo of you and your (ex)girlfriend as your screen saver?" I asked nearing the end of our lesson, not bothered if I would hit a healing wound.

"This is my new girlfriend!" the student replied with a smile on his face.

不但感慨＂年轻真好＂，更觉得自己落后，跟不上时代。

Despite my hassling about how heartbroken he was when he last broke up, my old-school advice about not having a relationship until after N-levels, I am happy for him. Because he is a normal teenager, and has moved on from his last experience. There will be many more, I suspect, but that is for us to know and for him to find out.

Another Sunday. 

Me and my yellow submarine...

"Right here, right now. There is no where I'd rather be."

回忆往事，感觉一抹淡淡的微笑浮现在我的脸上。
虽然对未来还没有具体的计划，我有信心能够胜任。
至于现在，
满足，感恩，宁静。

自爱，
家人的支持，和谐的相处
工作稳定，方向锁定。

这些并不是偶然。
活着，就必须学会怎么好好地活着。对自己，对家人，朋友，爱人，其他人。明白自己，明确的价值观，人与人之间的交际。

说简单不简单，说难不难。

继续努力。

＂为什么要与男子争长短？

因为有能力的女生，只会寂寥不会悲惨，只会落寞不怕落魄。＂

亦舒

珍惜。惜福。

幸福

什么是幸福？

能够选择，懂得选择，勇敢去选择

就会有幸福。

Your place in the world isn't subject to their approval.

Why accept their frame of the situation, where you are required to play by their rules? You are already accepting their version of the world by doing that.

We all know how this ends, although I always hope my friends are the exceptions, I already know how this will end.

I guess you are right, you've chosen this path, you shall take responsibility of the consequences.

With that, I only hope you will learn to set your boundaries, know when to leave this wreckage behind.

Time to reflect....
是时候自我检讨了。。。

this picture was taken about one year ago. how time flies while change remains constant. 花开花谢。即是定律，也是改变。缘起缘灭，生老病死，都是一样的。 Drama is the theme of this week. I must say I have not taken them as well as I wish I could. Although most of what had happened does not involve me, neither do i feel obliged to do anything, I look on and reflect on how i have changed. I cannot decide whether I am being unfeeling (as usual), putting up a rational front, or hardened by the realities of life or really enlightened and taking things as they come along. Be it seeing the same thing happening to two of my closest friends at two different periods of time; or a repeated story happening to a close relative of mine. Actually, from a different perspective, how poetic all these seem to decide to take place together? 人生，is made up of daily choices you make.天天都在选择中。认识到这点，以这个当做基本概念，就不会事事往个人以外，寻求答案，寻求解脱；就会慢慢学会为自己的所作所为负责任。 Peaceful are those who look inward for answer to their unhappiness, unsatisfied life. 因为花会开，花会谢。假如你依赖花的美丽，你会因为花的改变，而载浮载沉。 朋友，何必如此担心? 会发生的事，没人阻止得了。要帮忙也要当事人觉得有必要。 朋友，希望他会是你的归宿。十几年的友情 朋友不是白当的。记得，有事没事都要跟我们说。。。

Winding down.

挫折不会是你的终点，只要你继续走下去。 There are so many times when I stopped and questioned if I can go on - 马拉松时，体力透支，一边走一边流眼泪的情景还历历在目。大考之前，一边写考卷一边哭的德行我还记得。 Even though these are really minute situations compared to people who had gone through tests of life and death, mean physical hardship, mental tests of unimaginable scales, I can only quote such layman examples. These experiences, coupled with reflections on my life, making them relevant and useful whenever I am faced with challenging situations. Keep on moving on. :) Because we can, and we want to bring improvement to ourselves, people around and the space we live in. Keep going on and on...