Me. Myself & i

Pretty pissed off today...
There seems to be a common thread running through all the things that were pushing my buttons today - I'm not good enough.

I was in school today, wanted to get some files before my lessons officially starts. Wanting to save time, i ask paul to go to the library to photocopy a what was needed in the reading list. His immediate response was "what book? I don't need that!"
I took a deep breathe and i walked in.. To think that just a few minutes ago, he told me off for thinking only for myself.

Also, many of my classmates are leaving for exchange program very soon... I'll be back here, just the way i din like it.

When i tried to brush all that aside, go for a jog at Paul's gym. I was stopped by the security guard when i was walking pass, like always. He asked me for the pass which i obviously din have. And my dear bf, knowing that i was coming over and was suppose to be waiting for me, didn't pick up his fone. So i had to call his house for the second time in 15 minutes, and i was pretty sure his mother wasn't too please with that. Well, all that aside, when i told mr paul i was angry, he actually told him he was angry too!
Being me, i asked him what happened, why was he angry. He only replied "your sister is here, go jog"
Being me again, i told my sister "let's go, i dont wanna jog anymore" and walked out. Full view of the guards.
Humiliating.
Therefore i told my sister on the way, you will neva ever see me in that gym again, neva am i stepping in that condo to use anything.

My boyfriend has decided not to tell me what happened over msn, he say it is alright. and I dun feel like bringing up my new resolution to him.

Just when i thought everything was peaceful now, he told me an ex-classmate of mine was pestering him for his results. This friend did very very well for the last sem and he said he was disappointed in paul's result.
Oh great.
So what does that make me?

I know i don't have to be the pain in the neck for someone else for my own wrong doings. And i shouldn't expect paul to give in to me or never to mention about grades infront of me ever again. BUT THE PROBLEM IS, he neva realise that I DON"T FEEL COMFORTABLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe. argh...
The biggest problem is i feel inferior.
Even if there was no intention to make me feel small, every conversation about grades, anything to do with grades will make me feel small. Because i believe i'm small.

Trust me, i AM cursing and swearing at myself.

It doesn't help when you have a brilliant boyfriend, whom every other brilliant student in Law school know he is brilliant.
They are probably blaming his slightly less perfect grades on me, the useless, brainless, plain-jane girlfriend, that isn't of much help in his life except throwing temper at this, widely-acclaimed good manner, nice boy-next-door.

I assure you, there is no pressure at all, goin thru law school with all that at the back of your mind.
Because there is no pressure, the more i shld be doing well.

I am not blaming my bad grades on him, i never did. But i can't keep up, i dont think i'll ever be able to. and my pride, is very very very seriously ... damaged?
haha i cant even find a proper word for that.

I should drop out.