i'm addicted to writing in my no-one-knows blog..

few updates
1) i'm moulding - my skin is peeling, and i'm not goin out ..
2) i'm not even half way thru my memo.. i'm here typing a blog..
3) pleas, dont worry yourself with who "cockroach" is, definitely not one of you.
4) my week "break" is over soon, and my term starts with a take home ppr.. i just love my life, wat else can i ask for ?
5) i bot a new pair of slippers..
6) my house goin to have air con soon, i'm happy :)
7) i'm meeting my yj pals on saturday!!!! i'm more than happy :))
8) I haven done anyting for law club since sch reopened, they are VERY pissed off with me.. I"M ESCALATED hahahahah
9) i realised that coffee is no longer good.. i think i nid caffeine pure man... hahah extreme extreme...
10) i also realised i'm growing really fat.. and yes, the usual excuse, no time to exercise...
11) i really want a MuVo micro... 512 mb.. any rich guy out there wanna get me a really advance bday gift?

life..
aint it mundane to go thru all these over and over again..

wr

cockroach G! You are so successful at making me hate you. damn you!!!
i'll never be so stupid again...
please get away from me..
as far as you can.. africa, america..

i hate you.

LaSt PiCTure oF tHE daY!! And the most meaning full one.. To the family in this picture, i hereby ask for your permission to post this picture. and if you are in any way offended, please send me an email at wr1779@hotmail.com. i'll take it down.. It is meaningful not only because it is heart warming.. as i understand (i'm sorry i eavesdropped.. really cant help it.. i was all alone!) the mother (lady in red) and granddaughter stays in the states, and they're only back for new year.. initially the kid was tired and lying on the seat, which was very uncomfortable.. her mum din wanna carry her cos her shoulder was too hard for the kid.. the grandma volunteered. there was no sense of awkwardness (if there's such a word) between the grandma and the kid.. and i quote from the mum "you fit just like a jigsaw puzzle.." if that wasn't heart warming enought - before this, the kid jumped up from the seat to give her granny a kiss on the lips.. i simply melted, smiling to myself.. i wonder how often do you see a granddaughter so sweet in singapore.. it left more than a lasting impression, it left me hope and faith in love. there's love actually in the world, it's just not publicise enough.. Have you seen a loving scene that touched you today? share it.. we need more love in the world, less cynism.. :) 

mE N a MonKey.. hahaha guess she's jus as bored as i was.. i promised her i'll put it on the web hahahah presenting... my eldest sister... it's difficult to see how we are related.. i mean i look like a human i think.. hahahah now people who think i'm crazy can understand why i turn out like dat.. look at how i'm brought up!!! sigh.. it's really not my fault.. HA HAzz *self entertaining again* 

HahaHAha a rather blur picture of me and my er jie!!! entertaining myself.. not a very nice picture :p shan't comment much muahZzz 

On the left is a my eldest sister, the right - my er jie... hee.. they look so small right?? i wonder what happened to me.. bTw if you guys refer to below.. yeah we were still waiting in the kitchen like maids.. anyhow, i love my sisters!!!! MuaHAHaha oh yah i have a younger one.. yet to take any picture of her.. hahah soon soon.. i have about 12 days or so to do it... 

My MuMMY!! mUAhHAh at my grandma's house waiting to eat reunion dinner... i felt like maid waiting for my masters to finish their food. It was Sooooo warm that day!! Moreover there were so many peopLE!, so making me wait din really help me control my temper.. Had to entertain myself by taking lots of pictures.. more to come. haha ha 

my onLy ELdeR God BrOther..  

hey jie: thankz for the compliment, i doubt i'll be able to give you a good ans on that.. but do you seriously think when you own nothing (tangible) you own nothing at all? and when you feel neither happy nor sad, you are feeling nothing?

as for confidence - i do not have confidence that i can explain the verse well, because i have not learnt enough, i'm yet to be enlightened or perhaps, will never be.. I have to put a disclaimer, in case some professional decides to sue me for sprouting nonsense about their religion.. :) i can't write as if i noe everything, and den maybe mislead the readers... i'm saying read my entries with doubts in your mind..

In fact, you're right, i seem to be confident, but not actually.. it happens when your confidence is derived from something else, when you lose that something, you gradually lose definition of yourself, and finally yourself.
i was advised by my fren to take some time to find myself..

the truth is out there?

happy chinese new year to everyone...

wr

today is the eve of Chinese new year's EVE, shld never have worn the black shirt this morning.. or maybe i'm just pushing the blame of my incompetency to the supposedly bad luck colour (as what most of us will do)
it would be really unwise for me to go thru the day's events, after telling my fren how his fren's blog jus talks about nothing..
i can only say i'm really questioning my human relations skills.. i'm not as good at handling people as i used to be, or maybe as i tot i used to. jus imagine, if one day paul decides to dump me, or something, who am i goin to hang out with?
yet, i really dun feel like investing emotions on people and time.. it's so tiring, emotionally, physically and mentally. not only must you hang out with them frequently; being in a group means you have to compromise your individuality, you have that kind of problem even if you are with a person, let alone a group. you gotta keep worrying about how other people feel when you do something, when you say something, after you say something; gotta keep them "entertained", show that you're worth hanging out with..

-don't care so much about what others say-

you hear this time and again, yet how far can you take it? as long as you stay around people, you will care about what other people say... i'm not so much as working to please and make people love me, make me the most popular girl in the faculty. at least i dunwan to be the most hated person in the block, to be "right" instead of stepping on everyone's tail and get myself no where.. in order to do that, i'll definitely have to take into considerations what other people say, don't i?

it's new year...
i should spend sometime looking for myself, and catch up on school work..
it really feels like i'm losing it.
I look inside, i find a void.
I ask myself, "what are you looking for?"
i guess i really don't have an answer to that...
i'am seen, heard everyday.
yet i dun feel my presence..
where is it i'm heading, how do i define my life?
how do i WANT to define my life?

when you look ard and u realise that you simply cannot be on the same wavelength as the people ard you, are u abnormal? or you unique?
i'm suffocating myself.
someone told me that "it's human nature to want to keep themselves in misery"
i'm not sure the premises he had in mind when he told me this, but there is some truth in it.. you put all ur energy to focus on how difficult it is to move on, how the wind is against you... you jus put yourself down so much that you forgot how is it to feel happy again..
i told paul "human's default position is unhappy, then there are these few happy moments that punctuate your life..." rather 'wrong' kind of thinking to have in mind, really unhealthy..
oh, before i go on, i have to clarify that i DO NOT think it's cool to say "life's suckz.. just shoot me." On the contrary, i used to be a happy girl that loves to live the happy life with little unhappy moments..

if only i can stop manifying my problems.

now here's where i reply my fren's blog, who commented on sin's tag msg -
Never cling on to what is dear and what is not dearNot seeing what is dear and seeing what is not dear are both painfulHence hold nothing dear, for separation from what is dear is badThere are no bonds for those to whom nothing is dear or not dear- Dharmapada verses 210-211

When you know nothing dear and nothing not dear to you, you manage to find an equilibrium to your state of mind. Because you will not be sad due to losing something dear; and otherwise. For example, you feel unhappy if you lose your fone, because it's something dear to you. When you see someone you dislike, you're unhappy as well..
the central understanding of buddhism, as i believe and understand, stems from the duality of all things. as you learn about happiness, you know sadness; as you learn about possessing, you know losing;as you hear, sometimes you tend to become deaf, do you not? and of cos, the list goes on...
much of our lives are spent bouncing between these two "walls", so to speak, seldom can we maintain in the equilibrium.. for example you're escalated when buy a pair of earrings that you really like; the next minute you can be hating yourself for dropping one of them..
Is the happy feeling really what you classify as happiness? Conditional happiness, you rely on something else to feel 'happy'- like receiving a present, eat your favourite cake... it's short lived..
in order to find something call happiness (as we term it), i think we gotta go to a higher level than that.. an innate happiness.. i would like to define that as the equilibrium point.. to term it in a more cliche manner, when you attain enlightenment.. you find that when you break down events, are just a matter of cause and effect.. you realise that if there was not a cause, there wouldn't be a laptop right in front of me.. if there wasn't for my fren's blog, i wouldn't be writing this really long (and perhaps dumb entry to some people). you realise on a higher level that certain things, almost everything doesn't call for you to be hopping mad, or madly estatical or really suicidal.
you find peace.
you still grow, learn when you are in a state of peace, my fren.. you don't lose your bond.. you don't ignore the bond, you understand the nature of the bond..

well that's my two cents worth.. seriously i don't think it's a very good piece, maybe a very flawed understanding of what buddhism is about.. but this is how i understand and feel about it.. i wish i can find that strength inside to follow it.


wr

i ought to be sleeping now, it's 1230hrs already another 2 days before new year.
hahaha just went to the market with my mum, they were selling all those new year sweets.. i was trying to talk my mum out of buying all those things this year, at most buy only a little for show.. i dun think the vendor was very happy with me.. anyhow, really don't feel like celebrating chinese new year. i'm not even ashame to say that i do not feel like going to my grandma's house and see all those people that i seldom see but call them a family.. dun be mistaken, i don't hate them or anything likedat... i don't even feel anything for them.. our lives are so different, parallel lines that seems never will meet. Every year the three of us will try to find a corner to sit and watch the tv, while it seems like our family is growing bigger and bigger as the years go by. my cousins start to bring their the other half, sometimes even their cousins come over.. the table is so small that the people has to be divided into three groups to have their dinner.. which really makes one wonder, now what is the objective of having reunion dinner again?
i don't know about other races, but it seems to me that we're merely conducting the procedure of things, but its losing meaning as the years go by. which reminds me of a story...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Long ago, there was a monastry and there were cats living in there. They were not pets of the monastry, merely living together with the monks (there's a big difference, they're not caught deliberately and kept for entertainment). They lived peacefully together but there was a big problem - every morning when the monks do their chanting, the cats keep roaming around the main hall (where the monks were) and kept purring. They were unable to keep the cats out of the main hall, so in the end, they tied them to the table in the main hall, which was furthest from them. Alas, they could chant in peace every morning.
However, many years later, after all the cats passed on and all the older monks left the mortal world, the monks continue to catch cats from the streets and tie them to the table while they do their morning chants. When asked why, they simply answer "It is tradition."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and we're suppose to be of higher order..

i'm goin to bed..

my brother's brother, monkey jie <-new nick.. hahaha sorry cannot capture u in a better angle.. no difference also lah. MUAHAH 

my lil brother.. hahah took a cab to town togteher... it's been a while!!! 

phew, nearly 4 hours of re-doing my blog.. tiring but worth it. rather prouda myself, as a self taught html reader..
haha

i'm jus unhappy about the pictures, do i have to put one picture at a time in order to have to caption below directly.. lousy..

sigh. shall go to sleep.
nite

this is what i did today at olio domes with a good fren of mine. haha i took the picture and he said "evidence to show how boring i am rite?" haha jus to clarify that he's not boring, i'm the one with itchy hands. :p 

hee hee, and a pretty Rose from paul ;) this lady at subway commented that isn't it abit too early to celebrate v.day.. hahaah i was like "it's pre-v.day" and paul was like "everyday is v-day".. right... Lol.. 

"i kneel before you, not as a prince, but as a man in love.
i'll feel like a king, if you'll be my wife.."

"This is the story of my great great grandmother, the portrait hung in the university until the revolution. By then the truth had been reduced to a fairy tale, and while cinderella and her prince did live happily ever after,
the point, gentlemen, is that they did live."

Thankz Tong, Siok and Sin.
Sin>> funny, but i understood wat u wrote... but the line between being numb and realization is so thin.

--------------------------------------------------------------
it's jus embarrasing, to be telling the whole world what kind of loser i am. i've seen how people laugh at a person's blog before, just because he's rather naive and innocent (reflected in what he wrote)
if i was reading my blog as someone else, i would tell the author to get a life. Whinning wont get you anywhere, relationship won't bring you bread, love wont guarantee a future. Be pragmatic, that's the way to go, money will make the world go round and hardwork will earn you money. Life is as good being single, if not better...
i guess we're still seeing each other...
--------------------------------------------------------------
he came over that night, we had a chat... he tot i was feeling down because of my work and my tutor's error, wallowing in self-pity that my tutor's negligence had cost me my days of research.. Even after i told him i came back early because of what he said, he told me i always magnify the negative side of things and refuse to pick myself up..
wat can i say ?

he said we should have our priorities right, conc on our studies.. and that i should go home, take a shower and do my memo.. i replied "bye." and walked straight home without even looking at him..
--------------------------------------------------------------
matt told me - if you have an issue in the relationship, you guys can either solve it or succumb to it... i guess we've chosen to let our differences devour us, consume the relationship, leaving nothing.
you know what? if i choose to give up, i'm qt sure he'll agree to it. i'm just wondering then what am i holdin on for? although he still has feelings for me, i guess he's too passive. or perhaps i'm not worth asking to stay? or perhaps he has already given up? haha i dunwan to know.
-----------------------------------------------------------------

haha why am i complaining? i jus realised today, that my allowance is enough to support at least 2 people for a month.. there was the special report in TST featuring the poor in singapore.. i think i spend 3 times of wat one of them need to survive on a month, considering the fact that i don't have to pay electricity bill and my fone bill is enough to feed him/her for the month...
And here i am, studying in University, giving tuition, filled stomach, shelter over my head, complaining why is my life so sucky?
i'm disgusted with myself...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Love can be a many splendid things
joy it brings
dozen roses diamond rings
dreams for sale and fairy tales
it'll make u hear a symphony
and you just want the world to see
but like a drug that makes you blind
it'll fool you everytime

the trouble with love is
it can tear u up inside
make your heart believe a lie
it's stronger than your pride

the trouble with love is
it doesn't care how fast you fall
and you cant refuse the fall
see you got no say at all

now i was once a fool it's true
i play the game by all it's rules
but now my world's a deeper blue
i'm sadder but i'm wiser too

i swore i'll never love again
i swore my heart will never mend
said love wasn't worth the pain
but then i hear it call my name...

the trouble with love is,
it can tear u up inside
make your heard believe a lie
it's stronger than your pride

the trouble with love is
it doesn't care how fast you fall
and you cant refuse the call
see you got no say at all

everytime i turn around,
i think i've got it all figure out.
my heart keeps falling,
and i keep on falling,
over and over again.

the sad story is always the same-
me,
standing in the pouring rain.
it seems no matter wat i do,
it tears my heart in two - the trouble with love is...
-----------------------------------------------------

and now, let's concentrate on my work..
it's not so difficult to put ur emotions aside after a while.
i think i'm getting better and better at it.. ever since when was that.. hrmm...
well, love isn't all that bad, it has taught me something after all..
it doesn't pay, jus like crime.

dun give me that shit about "if loving you was wrong i'll neva wanna be right"..
i give you right, left, centre, up side down.

Sick. sick of things happening. Sick of changes, sick of pushing myself, sick of working, sick of love, sick of people, sick of thinking, sick of understanding..
i want to stay on an island.
i want to be alone, with the clear blue sky and deep blue sea.
no expectations, no need for comformity, no love, no hate, no feelings...

i used to wish for something that'll never come back to me..

just give me one day on the island.. then take me away, i'm weak...
--------------------------------------------------------

i tried, i really did...
i'll never be good enough for you.

i've always been me, i've never changed.
no one will ever know me, not even niang niang, not even kaiwei..
anyone who can say he or she does, must be lying
cos even i dunnoe who i am.

i tried my best to be the girl you want.. to make you happy..
i gues heaven forbids.
an angel can never be together with a devil.

i swear, i bitch about people, i'm not the kind of angel like ur sister is.
i'll never be that angel.

save ur love for the angel.

i'm no longer pure.

wr

the almighty one had done it again..
but this time, the difference is - i'm giving in.
i've conceded defeat.

-----------------------------------
Facts of case:
Cinderella and prince charming wishes to have divorce.
yes, there's no such thing as "happily ever after". It was beautiful while it lasted.
The same old story, to fall in love is easy, staying in love is difficult...
Prince Charming can't take Cinderella's habits, Cinderella thinks its difficult to live a royalty's life. As much as Cinderella grew up from a well-to-do family, she had changed after her father's death. Her working as a maid at home calls for the need for a character change.. No longer can she be the lady who has million of people waiting on her, no longer can she live a life that a thousand envy. she has to survive, she has to live like the people ard her do.
Agreeably, it's no excuse.
However, it's a fact.
Prince Charming thinkz that Cinderella has changed, became someone whom he doesn't know at all. How long has he known her? a nite of dance. a glimpse in the day.
----------------------------------------------------------------------

the invisible one is trying to tell me something after 4, no strictly speaking 3 relationships..
the almighty one is telling me that i'm really not suitable for it...

---------------------------------------------------------------------
i swore today, in lecture. really hard, i shocked even my indian fren. i'm not surprise he's shocked.
why did i swear?
they wanted to show a video on law ball, my dear fren had to leave, presumably for something important. i respect them, i sat there, i respect my fren's decision, he really din have to be there.
he apologised when everyone stared at him. my admiration, a person who dares to speaks up in lectures is always under the scrutiny of the public.

the supposedly respectable law ball committee jus replied to my fren "it's ok, you're not in it"

with all the frustration that i've been goin thru since the last week, i had to, i could hold back anymore.

i guess he's embarrassed.
i guess he's shocked.
i guess he's disappointed.

i apologised.
i'm sorry i had to swear in front of him.

He told me "i dun think i know u anymore."

i took a cab home later.

---------------------------------------------------

i really dunnoe how to pick up all these pieces...
pieces are breaking into smaller pieces..

i have an assignment due on sunday, my tutor jus told us yesterday the issue i was working so hard on was a typo.
i have a law club meeting on friday.
i need to do a memo from scratch in 5 days.
I've got criminal law tutorial on Friday, my tutor is Alan Tan.

i dunno where to start.
---------------------------------------------------

i'm all out of love..
not jus thrown out of love, i ran out of it.

-------------------------------------------------

i wasn't feeling well, got better i guess..
nothin much, alot of work waiting to be completed.

Thank you paul, for accompanying me the whole day.
i really nid to learn how not to take things for granted..
i want him to be happy :)
need to regain his faith in me...

people say it's difficult to find the one out of so many zillion people on earth..
i agree..
because it's difficult to find someone who's willing to make sacrifices in order to stay in love with you.
are you willing to be flexible with your belief, to be with her?
are you willing to change your plans?
are you willing to make adjustments to your character, just so that both of you can communicate better?
sacrifices - doesn't mean giving up ur ultimate dream in life, a multi million paying job, or to betray ur frens, family, urself in order to be with your love..
it's the little things that make up ur life, they might not seem impt to you, but they're the first things that will affect your relationships..

if you tried, you failed, you walk away with ur head held high.
painful? yes
road to happiness is never easy, it's path with such painful experiences...
when you find contentment, you will find happiness..

more love, less quarrels.
you dun miss ur water until you lose it..


cheers

wr

It's new year, din really feel like it.. it doesn't feel like it..
it has been raining since the tsunami, death toll still rising, i'm still messed up.. there's nothin to be happy about this new year..
i can only console myself that, perhaps things can only get better from here.. perhaps..

i have a feeling he's leaving me as well.. i cant blame him.. i carry too much past with me, it's not fair to make him share the load with me.. it really has nothing to do with him.. why should he suffer with me?
i tried to walk of the shadow cast by the past.. just when i tot i was making progress, i lost the voice guiding me...

i told him it's tough for me cos of my past, he thinks i've yet to let go.. i really dun wanna cry like i did ...u tear even when u take the bus..
i guess he jus thinks that i'm being difficult..

perhaps i should let it go... i dun think it's fair to burden him like dat.. i notice the tone of frustration in his voice today.. the kind that you have when you stop loving someone.. i guess it's better to let it go now, than when he tells me he doesn't love me anymore.. than we argue till the point of no return.. frustration..
you should be with someone happier, purer, less angry.. together, both of you can see a beautiful future, be optimistic about things.. you were right, you shouldn't spend time analysing things.. life is too short to think about so many things.. i guess it's too late for me to be happier, purer, less angry.. it's not that i refuse to do it.. some things aft you experience it, your perspective of life changes.. i'm healing but after you understand certain things, learn certain things, it's not possible to unlearn it.. it's jus like newton found out about gravity, thereof people cannot deny it's existence anymore...

you should be happy. you shouldn't be made to go through this.. i'm sorry for the unhappiness i brought to your life.. i guess the happiness wasn't meant for me..

it's a new year..
it's a new beginning..
how come everything seems to be ending?

i din ask for much....

wr

Nothing much to update about..
jus did something really dumb yesterday, i have a meeting tomorrow and give tuition..
my fone is totally not working..
i guess it's about time i reflect about the past year and think about what am i goin to do next..
it is the last week of the year again...

i'll be 20 next year. how fast.
it just doesn't feel real.. everything is just flashing past..
yet every sec right now is so real.. you know you're doing something.. but looking back, what have i done?

every min now seems difficult to occupy, yet i still complain i don't have enough time..

geesh.

i look around again, a year changes alot of things...
i learn that it's difficult to plan what you want to do, because you neva know what will happen.. i guess it's ok to make general plans.. but not to details...

i actuallly have no idea what i'm writing.. jus mindless gibberish as everyone can see..
it's late at nite.. i jus dun feel like sleeping.
been thinking about alot of things lately.. mostly goin in circles.. seems like i've got the ans, yet later i'll be unsure..

life,
a simple four letter word.
yet it's so difficult to understand.
not to mention live it...

christmas.
wat's impt? wat's not?
do i love him? do i not?

i nid to talk to someone...
i dunnoe who...
my fone isn't working..
guess i'm alone to face this again..

argh...
i hate christmas..
my christmas neva turn out rite..
why?
is it only me?

痛恻心扉
如果可以选择，我宁愿从不曾拥有过。
是不是一定要这样爱过， 才算长大？
如果每一次的快乐， 会带给你十次的不快乐，我真的宁愿平平淡淡的。

Christmas eve..
if it's de last day of your life what would you do?

1) type a will on my lap top
2) go visit all my frens anywhere they are.
3) arrange teachers for my tuition kids
4) burn a cd for someone taking over my job in mc
5) call him
6) tell everyone who loves me i hate them, dun miss me.
7) donate all my organs that are still usable
8) donate blood first before i die, if it's healthy
9) burn all my diaries
10) listen to songs as i slip away..

So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh, oh...
Let's talk this over
It's not like we're dead
Was it something I did?
Was it something You said?
Don't leave me hanging
In a city so dead
Held up so high
On such a breakable thread
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS
You were everything, everything that I wanted
We were meant to be, supposed to be, but we lost it
All of the memories, so close to me, just fade away
All this time you were pretending
So much for my happy ending
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh, oh oh
Oh oh, oh oh
You've got your dumb friends


I know what they say
They tell you I'm difficult
But so are they
But they don't know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do
You were all the things I thought I knew
And I thought we could be

CHORUS

It's nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It's nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done

CHORUS X 2

i'm like that:
one day, i'm all hopeful, loving life, living it.
nez day, i'm all down, emotional, depressed...
i love my frens, yet i wonder why do we have frens...
i have dreams, yet i wonder why i have to live on earth for another day..
i work hard one day, nez day i don't even want to lift a finger..

thats me..
walking contradiction.

when you think you've known me enough, think again.

cheers
wr

it's christmas eve tml.. i dun have any holiday mood this year..
i guess it's another tell tale sign that you've grown older.. much older.. i feel much older than 19.. i neva fail to wonder how does it feels like to not know anything, to not go thru exp like my own.. to have a smooth sailing life till 19.. be spoilt, be provided for, be inconsiderate..
i want to be...
knowing too much and when you don't know how to handle the knowledge can be dangerous..

i look into kids' eyes
i see purity
i look into teenagers' eyes
i see hope

i see a chance to change their lives.. to help them to achieve.. to bring those to aspire to a greater heights..
i've never realised this before, i feel like becoming a teacher..
i see hope in them.
i believe when i invest enough time in these kids, i'll actually help them enough..
i guess it's much more than any amount you can earn..

this is freaking me out actually.

christmas eve.
i'm still wondering what am i doing on planet earth.
i'm still looking for myself, who am i?
i look up in the sky and ask what am i suppose to do?
birth of christ.
will i be reborn again on the 25th?

life goes on, much to my reluctance.


cheers
wr

my bf was back from thailand yesterday! after a 8-day trip, finally
hee heez. rather happy to see him today. he wasn't suppose to meet me on Sundays, cos it's a sacred day to be spent in church and for his family... haha but today is an exception, cos we haven met for so long..

k, enough about my bf, shall keep the excitement to myself as no one is interested in my love life. actually i wonder who's interested in what i'm writing here..

saw the farmer today.. gave my feedbacks to alvin and xiong about the camp.. i guess it was a bad idea.. cos tiong didn't go for the camp and alvin tan din have much to say.... guess they were a little left out. i could see that alvin and xiong were very passionate about the topic, their organisation.. xiong kept nagging me to write an email to his head, as he totally agree with what i said but his head failed to see these points...

anyhow, i've yet to mention about the camp>>
first, some facts about the camp:
Xiong was the camp master of this buddhist camp, hence the farmers took part. partly for a gathering purpose, partly showing our support for our dear brother. i also wanted to learn something about buddhism as i've always been interested, however, lack the chance to get to know about it.

upon reaching, i found out that i was one of the oldest campers ard.. most of the campers were 15 or 16 year-olds who barely graduated from secondary schools... i felt like leaving while we were registering for the camp as i felt like i was going for another orientation camp.. the feelin of signing a contract to give up my freedom for the nezt 4 days and 3 nights.. to act like clowns, smell like dirt and run like hell... i felt that i was too old for such things, there's no longer the kind of excitement that one would exp when they were 15,16... that's when i decided i'm no longer a teenager..

then we changed and prepared for the ice breakers..
i have to say that the games throughout the 3 days were very creative, the stories, the way they linked them all up, the point system which were actually money for the groups to buy ammunition for the race.. i was impressed, very. i wonder how many of the campers appreciated this effort.. the only little flaw in the games was that - they failed to bring out the objective of the games to the little kids.. for them to learn from the games..
for eg - there was a game where we had to protect the "virgin of purity" on a very dangerous journey for a precious scroll.. the groups had to come up with a strategy such that the commander and VOP will survive the journey...
there was a very funny relation of wat the 4 groups did by a really good speaker.. but i tot it would be much betta if the group leaders could have sat down and talked about how the group fare. what have they learn...
thoughout, there was much experience, but little learning.. the games that we played could have easily taught the campers about things that they'll never learn in classes.. about team work, about being considerate, about team building, about learning from mistakes, about decision making. the kids are still unable to really understand these underlying lessons that could be in any game, thus the camp could have been much more enriching, if time were set aside for such discussions... instead of chasing us all to bed for more action the next day. what is the objective?

yes, what is the objective of the camp? this was the question that bugged me ever since i attended the camp. nearly non-stop action without much rationale behind - gives me a feeling that the games were there to entertain the kids. they said it was to make the kids feel that buddhists can be fun loving, not just chanting everyday. the way i saw it - without the meaning behind the games, the games were merely to make the kids happy, like free gifts that comes with a product.. to market buddhism, to recruit more youths, they planned alot of games, to attract the youths. I'm all for it, i do not see anything wrong with that, i think buddhism can be fun, definitely, especially youths should be full of life. However, when they're jus playing for the sake of playing, the opportunity to learn is lost.
Perhaps i expected too much. i expected this camp to be something different.
好玩中带点严肃
not to squeeze buddhism into every little thing that one does in the camp, but learning.. i feel that such camps should touch the hearts of the little kids, to be a turning point for some of them, at least. thou 4 days 3 nites cant do much, but the learning could start to change the kids' thinking, like planting a seed in the kids' heart, hoping it'll blossom into a beautiful flower. to make them more compassionate, considerate, on the whole better persons... i tot this was what basic buddhism is about..

the spiritual component of the camp came in the form of Dharma Talks conducted by the head of the organization.. i have to say that i fully enjoyed the first session, where i was given the opportunity of asking questions about buddhism. Even thou it was a tiring day and i had a really bad headache, i was wide awake after the talk. i had so many burning questions after the introduction to buddhism, partly to see how much they know, partly because of my curiousity.. however, subsequent sessions were disappointing. they were long and i found it difficult to actually remember everything after a 2 hour session.
i agree with alvin that we have to give the speaker credit for trying to bring Dharma to a more comprehensive level for the kids.. however, it was obvious that there were little interest among the campers as they failed to see the rationale behind the talks... to them, they were merely sessions for them to catch up with their sleep.. he could have been more prepared with the lessons, some visual tools like writing on the white board. Also, i had difficulties understanding the points he wished to bring across, sometimes trying to recall the point that led to the stories. Thus the importance of a notebook, to be brought along for every talk. whether they keep it after the camp or not it doesn't matter, what matters is that they've written some notes and it'll stay with them better..

after the camp, i felt that there will always be a tension to promote buddhism and to recruit more members by the way they run the camps... because they have mistaken fun to be the only factor to recruit members..

fun, will only be able to keep them as long as they think the organization is fun.
teach them how to learn, make them feel that the organization can improve their lives, to learn more about buddhism.. once you touch their souls, teach them what they can't learn from school, you've reached out to them, their souls, then, they'll be there for you for as long as they believe. these are the people i would want to recruit.
leadership can be trained.
悟性却须要一点缘分

my two cents worth.
thank you xiong for introducing me to camp. i've learnt alot, seriously.
thank you alvin for being such a good group leader. caring and def the potential of a great leader.
the organization has much potential, having successfully organized 9 camps and goin on strong...
i wish it can touch more hearts in future, spread buddhism among the youths.

cheers

wr

I've been a selfish all along..
i've complained about my partners being irresponsible, not keeping me updated, not taking the time to talk to me, to pacify me.. actually the person that i loved the most was myself.
i tot i knew how a relationship should be like, i knew i was abit more dependent, but i tot all that was reasonable..
until the camp.
love in most relationships are conditional..
when one fails to meet up to the expectations of the other, it makes the other feels upset.

a scientific research shows that when a person sees another whom he or she likes, the body gives out a chemical that makes one feels good...
so the nez time you want to meet your partner and he can't turn up.. you're feeling upset cos you cant feel that good, instead of not being able to see him.

i hope i can rem this.
keep this in my mind, so i won't get angry, upset with him so often.. when it's really not his fault..
when he really have things to attend to..
i guess i'm more of a burden to him right now than a partner, who can help him on his journey..
he had to take time off church, sch, social life.. jus for me..
love is about sacrifices ? i dun think so.
if i dun expect him to be with me so often, he doesn't have to give up so many things.. and i dun see myself a sacrificing anything..
i'm loving someone and being happy.

living meaningfully and dying joyfully- Ven Ajahn

i'm grateful.

wr

after a whole morning of trying to change the look of my blog, to learning how to make webpage... i guess i din accomplish alot..

i read my sister's blog.
gave me an insight to how she feels... how she view life..
picking up the pieces she left behind then.. she's picking herself up..

what about me?

i feel lost in time.

I'm wondering..
wonder when did i start to lose my close frens,
wonder when did my life only revolved ard me, my bf and my family,
wonder when did i start to feel that i cant go on without working,
wonder when did i become so reclusive...
almost alone.

how much do i noe about kw, niang niang?
hadn't we been meeting up?
how much do i noe about siok, hui-u, yj, yd?
how long was it since i really talked to them?
how are the farmers?
since when did i lost them as well?

how much do they know about the me now?

i still talk to eugene thou..
one person that i can say everything to..
haha somehow he doesn't have much to tell me..

things will change.
things always do.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
for all whose paths crossed mine somewhere in my life:

i'm glad our paths crossed.
may it always overlap.. may i always have the honour to have you in my life...
但是若从此以后，我们只是两道平行线，
may it be fond memories that i left you with...

你我的相逢，
是缘分。
离别，
却不一定是悲伤的。

好朋友，
到了天涯海角
还是知己。
一个眼神， 一句话
你会了解。
你最近还好吗？

Wouldn't it be nice if you get to choose what you want to remember instead of being forced to rem them.. as clear as crystal?
i guess it's as good as saying we should get to choose how we look, our parents and all that...
but i jus cant help wondering..
there are things that are so difficult to get out of ur system as hard as u try..
time will change these things.. from being painful, irritating to something of a neutral nature...
i prefer to see it as time changing me... from being vulnerable to such memories to becoming used to it.. de-sensitizing .. the word they used for media violence.. the nature of memories is relative to u. the memories will always be that, it's a fact, irreversible.. ur reaction to it, is what matters.
similarly, with objects.. things that u hold dear to ur heart today, may be come the same thing that cause that ache in ur heart whenever you look at it tomorrow.. because the memory, the fact that is tied to that object, is no longer a sweet memory. it's the human that is changing, instead of the memories morphing into some different state...

actually it's all mindless giberish.

anyway, as i was saying... memories....
i heard yesterday, on tv "my husband is the reason why i want to wake up everyday.."
there was once in my life when i wished i never wake up in the morning. not suicidal thou, just the pure reluctance to climb out of bed to face the reality. but things jus had to work against you... u lose sleep at nite.. cry urself to bed.. waking up at the first ray of sunshine and neva able to get back to sleep again.. u stay awake about 20 hours a day..

all you do is think about how unfair the world is to u.
how little faith you have.
how painful you feel.
how little you have left.
how pitiful you are.
how much you hang on to the little hope in you.

i felt small.
pitiful
helpless
lonely
aimless
unwanted

it may seem dumb to alot of people...
i once assumed how stupid i'd look to myself in the future.
i guess i was wrong.
if i had to go through all that again, i would have felt the same; i would have felt as small, as useless, as dumped...
i neva doubted this thus far...

i had been too trusting, i have had too much faith in the little thing called love.. i had too much hope...
but that was me. i believed in fairy tales then, i tot miracles happen. i thought that was still place for fairy tales to come true in the real world, because love will conquer everything...
but i was wrong.
love cannot conquer the media.
love cannot replace bread and butter.
love will never replace the kind of disappointed one will cause to one's parents...
most of all, people no longer have faith in love, they no longer know the meaning of love.
for dignity,
money,
and trivial things... people compromised love..

because everyone's got hurt before, somewhere, somehow, by someone or anyone..
they lose faith.
they get lost.
they then start to hurt others.. in other way...
they become more withdrawn, only thinking about people that they know personally, like frens or family.. others, only themselves...

it's a selfish world.

ever wondered how a world full of love will be like?
perhaps bush will be in iraq taking care of injured kids.
perhaps china would have forgiven japan long ago and stopped them from paying the reparations.
there won
perhaps taiwan wouldn't have leaders saying they want independence and china wont be forcing them to return to china.

quizas quizas quizas...

it's a bad day.
my exams jus ended... feels like my life ended as well. how no life have i become?
have no mood to face the world now.
screwed up

no point.

i give up.

wr

i jus had the chance to read the pprs today, thou i haven been too busy, din really felt like reading the news these few days.
anyway>> the forum today has a whole lot to say about the recent changes in teaching chinese, some mother complaining about the chinese programmes in singapore and a teacher's response to his fellow colleagues on the teachers in singapore being too stressed out.

the recent changes in how to betta teach mandarin in order to allow our younger generation to master the language looks really promising. it actually aims to combine the idea of creative learning and at the same time cultivate students' interests instead of forcefeeding them, like they do with other subjects. it seems like a really big step forward for our education system. chinese is no longer about knowing how to write the words, merely learning how to read them, it's more about conversing in mandarin, instead of writing - as our education minister claimed. so our system is goin to emphasize on daily usage of mandarin, the students no longer have to learn how to write the words in the "ci yu shou ce", which accompanied me though my years of studying the language. words that are less used in daily conversing will be taken out of the syllabus, which makes me wonder what is goin to be left. NI WO TA? who is the one deciding what is being used daily anyway?

promising indeed.
our system has once again bowed down to the students.
this means that if our students continue to show no interest in chinese, we're goin to change the system once again.

but i'm afraid this kind of flexibility is only limited to teaching chinese.
is it because other subjects are already flexible enough? that the teachers teaching other subjects have nurtured enough interests in the youths, such that they have no problem with interest? is it because the syllabus for other subjects is what we need for life?
i really wonder.
let's talk about flexibility.
i dun remember maths having alot of flexibility while my teacher teach them. perhaps there was interests, but we all know that we cant fail maths - that's the biggest push factor. we are, after all, product of the institutionalised kind of education system in singapore.
sciences, flexibility? if u call powerpoint presentation flexibility. tell me again, how many of us pulled though because of the ten years series? i bet those that got A for sci in a level must have done them at least twice, plus alot of prelim pprs from other schs.
now about GP, i cant say for other schools. because apparently, where i came from, we had really weak english grades in O's. Hence, most of the time we were concentrating on how to write a good argument instead of debating about how piracy will actually affect the economy.

look, there has neva been flexibility in the system. when u start somewhere, u start with the most useless subject that you think. so what if china is the nez super power, they're goin to learn english anyway. when u wanna implement creative thinking and not know how it will turn out, u use chinese as a white mice, to test out how it will work with the students. if it doesn't turn out well, then blame it on the family, the lack of interests of student. it's never the system's fault.

i'm not saying i'm all for rote learning of chinese. but when u say there's no interests, can u say that you have interests for all the subjects you're taking? it's a simple excuse for not trying. parents engage a tutor for a subject for their children as long as it counts towards their aggregate. it's wrong. but they can go so far even if the students does not have interests. they only started complaining they have no interests because it's no longer a subject in the criteria. i really think they should be taught about shame. the kind of shame of not knowing one's mother tongue. it's not about blaming them or their background, it's not about shaming them. it's about "lian chi". they should learn that when u call urself a chinese, even a singaporean chinese, when u go out there, u'll always be a chinese. Even if u speak the most fluent english, the best english, french, german - ultimately, u dunnoe ur mother tongue. it's called the mother tongue for a reason. u can tell the world "hey, you noe what? i've mastered french, german, japanese, korean and everything." and u dunnoe ur mother tongue, you're really not that great after all.

well, the mindset of being cool not knowing mandarin should also be changed. i'm qt sick of hearing "i dun understand chinese, please dun speak to me in chinese" from fellow chinese singaporeans. sometimes i feel that there's a tinge of arrogance when they say that. where did all these superiority sprung up from? i should look down on u for not knowing ur mother tongue, not the other way around.
dun get me wrong, i'm not trying to start a hate club for those who knows their MT against those who don't. i guess the former will def lose out in numbers anyway. who wants to be in the 'loser crowd'?

anyway enough of the chinese topic..

to the mum that complained about the chinese programme on channel 8 with the word "bastard" in the subtitles:
guess what? ur kid is not goin to be protected forever. protecting them and censoring what they see or hear are not goin to help them. when u see someone smoking, u tell ur kids never to touch cigarettes. do u jus cover their eyes and hope that they neva see cigarettes in their life? u teach them to differentiate the good from the bad, to choose to be good, to learn to be good to themselves. u tell them why not to smoke, why not to use vulgarities to punctuate their sentences, you teach them what u learn from the tv is not always rite.
it is your job to educate your kids at the family level. dont expect other people to look after your kids.
if u think that the producer should change the time of the programme jus because ur kids are watching tv at 7 o'clock in the evening, mayb it's easier if u write to the forum and tell the mothers to sit there at 7 pm and educate the kids while watching the show together?
dun blame everything on others.
dun blame it on interests, the society, the system, the media, the teachers.
if u have not thought about where did u go wrong, u've most probably already gone wrong.

all the hype about a chinese that went missing in singapore and later found murdered lately...
my heart totally goes out for the girl. i think no matter what kind of grudges adults have against each other should neva neva be taken out on a kid. Moreover she's only 8... what kind of sick pervert can actually murder such a kid... i just feel that whatever that has happened, she's the most innocent victim out of the whole episode...

the case is still being looked into.
i guess as much as the killer is responsible. i cant help but think about what kind of mother would leave a girl in a foreign country for nearly a week or more. and the thing is, she has the cheek to say it's not the first time. If the mother really had the child's interest at heart, really loved her child, would she had done that? leav the girl with some fellow tenant and go back to china. yes, singapore is safe, she had exams... so what? even if it is not foreseeable that something so drastic could happen, some minor accidents like being scalded when she's left alone at home? for god's sake it's an 8 year old we are talking about, not a 14 or 15 year old kid. as much as everyone has different standards of how independant a kid should be, as a mother who ought to be doting on her daughter, how could she ?
it is when the little ger went missing, when the little girl was found dead, then she tot of buying her toys, greatest funeral in the whole wide world, nicest clothes..
i jus cant help but feel that she was doing all that for show.. i dont mean she did not do it sincerely for her child. perhaps due to my own prejudice, i jus cant help it. that she could get more coverage, get more sympathy.. perhaps i'm jus cynical.

On top of that, i CANNOT believe that singaporeans can be so gullible, stupid, naive and rich.
they have given the money to the parents willingly, without duress. they did not stop and think about whether the money will be put into good use. they did not think about wat has led to the kid's death. Out of compassion and not knowing how else to show their condolences, they gave money.
after they realised how much everyone has given the parents, then they started to regret. and wanted to know exactly how much they've given in total. the parents then say that they're going to give half to charity and the other half to bring back to china.
firstly, so what if you knew how much they have? what is it goin to change? you have given the money, it's theirs. How much is it doesn't really concern you. I jus dont understand how singaporean's brain work... it doesn't mean that the money comes from you, den they have to do what eva you say. it was a gratuitous gift, and it is their's to keep. If you had given the money sincerely, You should really keep ur gap shut. IT IS NOT A CHARITY SHOW WE HAVE ON TV, WHERE THEY ANNOUNCE THE AMOUNT THE RECEIVE EVERY SECOND. the parents have not called for "donation" and they do not have the liability to declose the amount. WAKE UP!!

Secondly, even though the father had promised to make donations with half the money he had taken, seriously, he really has no obligation to carry that promise out. so what if the money was given to them by locals, it doesn't mean they have to do good to our place. i can only think of two possible reasons that the locals are so insistent in the donation promise: (1) they're stupid enough to base on the promise make donations (2) they're merely insistent because they're unhappy that the couple should leave singapore withe so much of our money, and regret giving them so much money. and the only way they can sort of take back some money, is to insist that the couple honour their promise of making donation.

i think singaporeans have made a real fool of themselves. first, by donating money at first instance. money really isn't everything and totally show foreigners how we value life, with money. when they think there's nothing much they can help, they give money. there's a million and one things to do, like simply set up a webpage for the girl, to go and pay respect to her. jus say a little prayer for the girl, and if u wan media coverage, do it in a big group outside taka or something. Why is it that the only thing the singaporeans can give is money.

second, to ask how much money in total they have collected. even go to the extend of waiting outside the court jus to ask. it jus seems to me, the singaporeans have the mentallity that since the money was given by them, they have the right to know the total amount. that they have the right over how they use the money that was GIVEN to the couple. if it was so important how they use, then dun give them in the first place. make donations in the girl's name instead my dear fellow singaporeans.

i jus urge adults to stop acting like fools. if u wanna show compassion, there are million and one ways. if u use abit of brain, and abit of common sense, all these wouldn't have happened. it's unbelievable how naive our people have become. doing charity does not means giving money!
i guess we'll have to thank our mediacorp for all the charity shows for teaching our people that.
mayb we should have a circus of mediacorp artists at the funeral.

I wonder if i'm too stressed up by exams or because of pms... or perhaps jus one of my really whiny mood.

I'm jus very disappointed.
Disappointed in something people call love. Something that people claimed to bring two people together and try to work things out and stay together. Something that adds colour to one's life. Something that is suppose to bring joy to ur life. Something that you share with a special someone that is out there in some corner of the world. Someone that you will one day meet and just know that he is the one.
They've said so many things.
I'm starting to wonder... wonder what really is the meaning. What is the objective. What is it that you are suppose to do?
i thought i found it.

i would think i've dated people of different character. Different ways of knowing them, different ways of developing infatuation into relationship. Different ways of showing their love. Different ways of communication. Different ways of maintaining a relationship..
i guess there'll be a universal way of showing how u love someone. Somethings dont differ very much. you may say that you have a different way of showing ur love, somehow i jus don't feel it...
dun blame it on expectations. it's not... it's jus an intuition.
u noe about my insecurities, you noe how little faith i have in relationship..
i guess there's nothing much you can do to regain my faith...
Mayb u do love me... maybe u think you love me.. only time can tell if you really love or you are jus fulfilling some promise that you've got urself into...
in the end, it all becomes an endurance game... How much u can endure me, and how long can i take being a burden. How long it takes me to find out there is no longer anything left for me to stay.
it jus feels like my 2nd relationship all over again...
i dunnoe where is this goin...

mayb its high time i really give up on relationship all together...

or it's jus my emotional side showing itself today...

when you're alone, when you're down and out, when you're faced with difficulties and problems to solve, when u've gotta push urself to move on...

althou there's nothing much that can be done... i guess there'll always be a name, a face, that will make things seems easier... there'll always be words and memories that keep you going... there'll always be hope and dreams that push u on...

Jus had my 24 hour sls assignment yesterday and handed it up this morning. i really have no idea how i have done and would prefer not to find out too soon. The question was quite general, thus we had to do reseach on it first. However, the internet is so vast, everything seems relevant. On top of that, even if i had my own ideas, it jus did not feel rite to write them in the pprs unless i had substantiation or proof from submission or pprs that other people wrote on the internet. it jus seems like i don't have any confidence in what i thought of.

i guess after enrolling into law sch, my confidence level has been dipping and it's currently at the new low. I guess as bad as i was, i've never doubt myself so much before. I've always believed that hardwork will never get you to the top, however it'll bring you somewhere near the top. It jus doesn't seems applicable anymore. or is it that i've not been working hard enough? firstly, i lose out in my language, writen or spoken, i just don't have it. I don't think i even have the belief that i could speak properly in English now. At the same time, my written english just doesn't seems to be for readers of the lecturers' calibre. It looks more for low class newspaper, reporting gossip. Even such reports are grammatically correct.

Also, i'm neither good at remembering things nor a fan of creative thinking. The expectations are such that knowing the rules and tings that were taught are not enough. One has to be able to weave them together, such that you can distinguish what the old cases said and whether the law was right to begin with. I jus find it so hard to critic things there are in our curriculum and even more so when you are brought up to listen and jus learn. Moreover, from the start, there was much emphasis on the importance of certainty in our law system and Precedence by old cases will help to ensure that. it is an indication that in order to be certain in our advice to clients, we are suppose to substantiate all our theories with case lawS

There is this complaint by the industry and our lecturers that local law students are only good at taking exams, in the event that life is an exam, we will definitely score the best in the whole world. How can they blame us? when all the privileges that they provide (such as exchange program and double degree program) hinges so much upon your grades, and first year grades if i may add. it used to be just guessing what the examiner was looking for and write an exam ans to them. Presently, in order to respond to the industry's feedback and government's call for thinking nation, they add the thinking element into the markng scheme. Other than a respond to the question, one has to think out of the box to achieve a good grade. Those people that claim that students are only exam smart has change the examination system. Such that nowadays, people HAve to be exam smart AS well AS think out of the box. so ultimately, Students can continue with their passive learning by memorising wat kind of response is needed to be "thinking out of the box".
There is endless expectations they have of local students, i'm speaking for other levels as well. As long as it is in the demand in the market, they will inflict it upon us on top of all that they had in the past. Grade us for everything and complain that we will only take things seriously if it is graded. Com'on, with all the additional things that we have to do and in consideration that we only have so much time. isn't the fact that if a subject is examinable the most fundamental question you ask urself, in order to allocate your time for these things?
industries based their preliminary impression of a person by his grades; the school based its confidence in u to take up extra curriculum and to represent it upon his grades too. Does these not call for us students to be extra careful with subjects that are going to be graded? I disagree strongly that grades are everything, but grades still count for many things, if not all.

perhaps people may think i'm whining because i am not doin well currently. Think again. Don't you sometimes feel that the government and sch are merely adding on to our workload? when they suddenly realised that what they have taught for last 2 or 3 decades is wrong, there should be a change. However this change comes in the form of additional things to present system instead of making fundamental changes in the system. it's like cracks on an over pressured dam wall - you patch it up here, cracks start to form elsewhere. eventually the whole system is going to collaspe on u.

Well, daily entries turn to weekly entries and slowly became monthly entries... soon i guess i'll forget about this whole blog altogether..
will i?
it has been with me for the most significant part of my life thus far..

Anyway, it's important now that i write in proper english rather than how i speak everyday. I've been receiving comments that my assignments had really bad grammar and the sentences were badly structured. I was totally ruined by my bad english. To say it was devastating was qt an understatement - for first time in my life i realised the need for proper english. However, after some thought, there isn't really any choice but learn to speak and write properly for a change. I mean I'll be relying largely on English for the rest of my education, needless to say my career. Even if i happen to go over and practice for Chinese business, i guess there is still a high probability that i've to use ENGLISH, one way or another, i will be in the clutches of ENGLISH, until the day i DIE.
talk about devastating.

By the way, i just watched De-Lovely yesterday. It was great! It's a musical turned movie, i guess that gave a greater room for creativity than it being a musical. The songs were witty; the plot - thou cliche, but still touches hearts. You can see or rather hear that from the sounds of weeping... and the singing, the actors were superb! hahaha
basically the movie swept me off my feet. Paul suggested it and i'm glad i took his suggestion!

I have been sitting here since ten in the morning, had a break at 1330 for lunch that stretched till 2 plus goin to three... and went for a nap at 1630 to 1845.. and surfing the net till now.. i guess it's time to return to my books, or rather laptop..

exams are near, i totally have no confidence..
sigh..
i think i can say goodbye to my overseas exchange programme in year three.. SULKZ

cheers
wr

Hrm, not feeling well today.. the kind of sorethroat i had last dec..

jus watch moulin Rouge yesterday (yes, very lagging) but was by chance found de vcd. so jus sat there and watch the pirated vcd after a long day of research in school.. yes, it was saturday, i went back to do research.. explains my illness today, the law library is unbearably cold.. on top of that, it was raining like nobody's business these few days..

Yup, sobbing like a child while i watch Moulin Rouge.. super maluated.. i mean who cries till like that when watching a show.. Paul commented that he really wondered who actually died looking at the way i cry, he said it looks more like my husband died than nicole kidman.. hahaha i guess i was abit too emotional, and out of control.. haven cried so badly since that time.. haven been so touched by a movie since last samurai..

really busy working on my research binder.. seems impossible for me to finish.. but i really feel good looking for cases to support my case. i mean if there weren't any curriculum, i.e. torts and contracts, to juggle with, i don't mind spending whole day in schl to do the research... but have to keep up with curriculum readings and this.. it's really over stretching and overwhelming.. guess the instructors are really doin a good job of stretching our potential..

hey anyway>> i've gotta go for my tuition.. starts at 630, look at the time now..

yupZz, did i mentioned i felt weird resting at home today, like not used to it? it's qt scary...

take care pple, dun fall sick.

cheers

wr

heYzz
again it's been some time since i blog
hardly have time for myself nowadays
it's jus sch, bf, law club, tutorials, sleep (hardlY)
i really dunnoe what is happening in my life, the sem is ending and i have no idea what am i doing everday.
it's really mundane.
i'll run to catch a ride from my bf's dad's car, will say hi to the mum, super tired, falls asleep in the car, mayb can sustain awhile and read some newspaper. get to sch about half an hour earlier and go to eat breakfast, may drink coffee or apple juice. then have lecture, go eat lunch, do some reading, talk some crap, take care of my law club stuff... goin home, sometmes with tuition...

i'm losing it. losing direction, where am i goin with this?
it is a serious qn, definitely not becos of pms.
i'm force by myself to do somethings that i really do not like, becos it is inevitable in life. but is this rite?
choices,
it's true that in every situation there's definitely choices. and in everything that you do, it's your choice. However, have anyone wondered that some options are as good as having no choice at all? i mean as an outsider you can say "it's ultimately up to you rite?" but if you had the same considerations as the one making the choice, would you still be able to say the same time. If everything is up to my choice, my likings, my priorities, then there'll never be problem in choosing. It's a matter of how selfish you wanna be, it is a matter of how inconsiderate you can make yourself to be, it is a matter of how self centred you are. I am not saying i'm all noble, always taking other's into considerations first before i make my decisions, but my upbringing is such that i do factor other's feelings into my considerations, jus a matter of degree.

well, for the benefit of those who are still reading, it is about my eca, law club. i've some serious problems with people and the way they work in there. from the beginning the leader has made me lost my faith in her being a good leader, not by the way she speaks, nor because of the way she carry herself. perhaps i'm over sensitive, but it is through sutle actions that shows that she has not put herself into the mindset that she is a leader of a group. i cant deny that she has the capabilities, confidence to take up the post, but has she put herself in that position?it's totally different to say that i want to be a leader and to really do it. to take care of the well being of the group. it's a very small incident, however, it's always the small things that count to me.

i have a vp that always wants things her way, suppose to take care of discipline in the club, did her job and really lose me as well. i mean we're all adults, i agree what we've did is off point and wrong. but com'on, do you really want to say this in the club meetings, how will the person feel? surely there are some better ways to communitcate than publicly point it out? when i say she always wants things her way, i don't think she does it on purpose, she jus haven realised what she is doing. I'm sure she has the club's interests at heart, but when people offer their point of view and most people agree with it, i think we jus have to live with it. That is the meaning of tyranny of majority, and at 19 years old, been through council, she seems to have yet to pick up that point in life.

Thirdly, i have this feeling that the group (i wont call it a team as yet) still cant handle problems in a matured way. if you haf a problem with me, look me up, talk to me, we settle it in a matured way. if you keep talking about it during meeting, whether is it hinting or being sacarstic, will jus make things worse. Morever, sacarsm will not bring the group anywhere, what is important is that now we're all in this. what i do might not make ur job more easy, but we work a way out, meet each other halfway. Know what is the problem of your member and address it, don't hint, or call a meeting to talk about things and end up only addressing to that particular member in the club. You're not helping, jus pushing to member away. such things are really delicate human relations issues that are important in a club, unless they learn it themselves. Of cos i can bring it up to them, it'll just look like i'm complaining and everything will be superficial and not be a lesson learnt, not from the bottom of their heart.

i've talked about this with many people, many times. As usual, typical gemini cant make up her mind, after talking to so many people, hearing so many different sides of viewpoint, the more i cant make up my mind, as usual. Anyway, made up my mind to pull through it for a year after talking to a fren. Really put things into perspective after talking to him. Life is never goin to be goin my way, instead of finding an easier way out, might as well brave through it and find yourself a better person at the end of it. Turning around and walk away is so easy, but am i goin to gain anything out of it? as much as i hate to admit it, it doesn't.

i nid to catch up with my work.
the amount of time spent studying few weeks before did not pay off. i got a b- for my first torts test. as in it is not the amount of time you spent studying, it is how you present your ans, how you argue your point and the way you use ur cases. it's all so easy to say, sit there and you wont know what to do. i dont even deserve a low b. that is the painful part. not to mention i was following lectures then, now i really have no idea what is happening in lectures and have yet to be preparing for lectures. been tryin to revise but have been repeating certain stuff that has yet to set in my mind. it is really messed up plus all the tutorials that we have to prepare for. i'm really up to the top...

well, i think i'll stop here, actually wanted to talk about something else, maybe later after my mugging.

cheers

Jus had my 24 hour SLS ppr and a 2 hours tuition... Hmmm
dun really have confidence in my ppr, but hell, i've already tried.. i'm not being easily contented here, but i feel essays are really subjective, especially alot of the things expect you to give ur own views, it's either they like it or they don't... i might really get D for this... but i think tt's de way to learn... i dunnoe if i will be able to see it this way when i get my grades.. dun really feel like thinking about it.

hahah dun be mistaken, i'm not feeling down or wateva due to my ppr.

jus that my whole week end is goin to end soon, and monday is goin to come again... and it's another week
i've gotta revise my contract(terms) and Torts(causation) today, so that i can make something out during tutorial nez week. which reminds me i have library research due nez week and 'meeting the client' on thursday.. i guess it's another busy week for me.. not mentioning my tuition and my law club meeting... on thursday there is an overnite stay in a hotel to meet up with 24th.. darn..
i hate this.

anyway, nothing much has happened, my good fren has talked to me again. wahahhaa who can resist me? :p and all my week was preparation for exam, bf, tuition and more studying..
cant rreally remember what haf i been doin..
rem that the petrol bicycle is being banned and electric bicycle still allowed, taiwanese scolded the whole singapore and that chickens and eggs are available at reasonable price again!

hahhahaha
k, i'm being lame.

i'm really deprive of time...
i think i'll jus stay home de whole day to read up instead of goin to watch movie ALONE,
yes alone. cos my bf is not free on sundays... but i have him for other 6 days, so as i told him, i'm not goin to fight with his heavenly father on sunday.. wahhaha
:P

anyway.. i think i'm goin to bring my barang barang out to the living room.. did i mention i'm growing too fat? all tt eating and sitting down is really killing me...
k k.. study time.. i love studying, gives me direction in life.

ahahaha

btw>> i saw a sign saying "dead slow, living children" in a sch compound yesterday, tot it's qt funny..
wahahahha

regards.
wr

heyZ.. it's been awhile since i blogged... however, not many people will look at my blog, so there's no stress at all :)
think alot of stuff have been happening throughout this period, gotta slowly update one by one...
well, firstly, for anyone tt's interested, i'm attached. dun think i wanna elaborate too much, jus a really great guy that i think i'm not really good enough for (i'm not being humble here)...
secondly, starting to have papers that count, meaning really had to mug very hard for the pprs, even 5% counts... and had my first tort paper today.. hahaha guess wat, all de talk about not having enough time to finish the paper... i was sitting there 15 mins prior to end of paper, looking at others busy scribling, wondering to myself 'why do they have so much to write'... like 5 min before time's up, i was busy scribling something which does not really appear in the ppr..
when paper ended, though i din write alot, i think i put in enough effort for the ppr. i'm not even thinking about the score..
have the postponed SLS ppr on Sat... my dear lecturer brought the qn to vietnam last week and had difficulty sending it back in time .. it was qt irritating, considering the fact that they were talking about how important it was to hand in assignments in time. becos later in our careers, deadline must be followed really strictly as courts and judges do not give leeway... I mean they even went through the trouble to set up a practice workbin for us to try uploading something just to make sure we could do it... and they themselves have the technical problem... Talk about double standard... should have asked him to write us a report (as we have to write one if we fail to turn up for his lecture...)

thirdly, have extra responsibilities right now.. for all who're letting ur imagination run wild, no i'm not pregnant, i joined law club.. am the social welfare secretary in law club.. alot of meetings, invitation to this and that.. with my tuitionS.. i really wonder if i can juggle them all at once... at this point, i jus wanna say i'm super glad i have a super understanding bf who waited for me till 7 in de evening when his lesson ended at 2, jus to go home with me.. lend me his shoulder to sleep everytime we're travelling.. cos i'm really not sleeping enough.. :p

yeap..
sorta 'quarrel' with my good fren..
really good fren i think..
i think i really neglected the people around me.. growing more and more self-centred as each day passes...
getting really really short tempered nowadays.. really impatient..
but we 'quarrel' not becos of my temper or my lack of patience.. quarrel becos i emailed her telling her i'm attached after a while since we met... she thinks we only go to her cos we haf prob in r/s or have bf stuff to tell her.. i'm qt disappointed.. perhaps our frenship did not really grow with time.. i'm qt disappointed with myself, perhaps i really took her for granted, did not stand in her position to judge if what i was telling her was material enough.. like i did not really pay attention to her as an individual..

i was wrong about how free and easy frenship could be... any kind of relationship needs time and care for it to blossom... without care and attention, think it'll jus wither and die... i tot we had a frenship forged so strong that irregular meetings will be adequate... that we know we'll always be there if something bad happens to each other.. apparently it was not the case..
after this episode, i really dunnoe on what occasion can i look for her? what should i say when i meet her? i have said this to other people before, that if a frenship will require one to think thrice before saying anything, then it's really qt superficial, thinking twice is reasonable.... Din't noe it could apply to us one day..

i should not get too emotional.. it's been awhile since i got too emotional.. and i really dun like the emotional me.. i'm losing touch with that and it is good.. having too much feelings is really not good... be considerate towards other's feelings, but don't have too much feelings urself..

even after you're gone, u cont to teach me... u teach me how to protect myself, by staying in my heart.

be back real soon.
good nite.

wr

hemmmm
din go for dinner with my farmer frenz.
went to study, edit abit of my close memo, read some torts. rather productive compared to stayin at home...

feels much better now :) he said it din haf much impression on him. so i guess i still have a fren

hemm.. eugene says i'm super confused, blur, dunnoe wat i want individual. well, wat to do, when things involve more than one person, it jus gets more complex, in an exponential manner...
it's easier to be alone... with occasional showers of blessings.. haha dun sound right.

i'm goin to blog in my other blog.
talk to u nez time.

wr

as the heart and mind battles...

hahah never tot i'll be caught again. but i noe this time it's a mild one, i could still get myself out of it. i mean i could see it coming, there's a black hole in front of me, take de plunge or step over it...
looking at the situation, his reactions, my past experience, my fren's experience.. my mind tells me to step over it..

"never let the fear of striking out keep u out of the game.."
i'm a coward


"I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (ooooh)
I'm twisted cuz one side of me is tellin' me that I need to move on
On the other side I wanna break down and cry (yeah)

When your feeling ain't the same and your body don't want to
But you know gotta let it go cuz the party ain't jumpin' like it used to
Even though this might bruise you
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn
Deep down you know it's best for yourself but you
Hate the thought of her being with someone else
But you know that it's over
We know that it's through
Let it burn
Let it burn
Gotta let it burn" usher- burn

grinz.
i dunno what i'm typing. jus typing
need to get some emotions out before i go back to my books, if not any attempt will jus be in vain
random tots..

"It's the simple things in life we forget
You hear her talkin' but don't hear what she said
Why do you make something so easy so complicated
Searching for what's right in front of your face
But you can't see it" Usher - simple things

stop trying to read into things. been doin that too much. but a girl will always be a girl, think too much... hahah if i could get rid of this as well..

well, i think there goes a fren. think i talked abit too much yesterday. jus rem wat i said at the end of the conversation. hahaha very clever, wat a thing to say... "i nid to get a grip" LOL.. i'm amazed with myself, budden how could u blame a person that is chatting at like 2 am in the morning? well, i guess it makes things abit easier now.. hahaha. ;p

let me see, anymore things to say...
hmmmm
hahaha i think i jus found something very interesting that i said yesterday as well..
:P qt screwed.

k k.. life's much easier now...
thou i dunnoe wat i wan, i think wateva i said has actually decided for me.
life's going to be fine, sunny, occasional showers... and jus me

wr

not in a good mood.
stressed out, memories came flooding back, overwhelming me... and i'm super stubborn, cont to listen to all de sappy songs...
i noe it's not the time for me to whine, somehow i think that i dun haf the right to be whining. there's so many things waiting for me to do, to complete, to achieve.. what's there to whine about, what is there to think about? what is there to cry about?

i feel rather lost.

where am i heading? why am i doing all these?

i'm already in this, it's really not up to me to turn back. and i will never turn back.
admitting to defeat is something i don't allow myself to do.
i know i'm goin to pull thru, jus like how i pulled myself thru that period of time... pain is nothing but a process, a phase.. crying will only teach you to be wiser, to learn how to protect yourself from being hurt again...

haha, jus when i tot my life turn for the better, that my fren commented it's been a while since i had been so chirpy. then i realised it never really left, it was at the back of my mind, constantly reminding me of the past.
5 months is not enough.. :) my bestest bud was rite, forget about love, conc on studies, "not hurt enough?" even thou i never told him anything haha

i nid to get a new hobby.. learn how to de-stress. like learning archery? bladding??

i'm sorry about the really bimbotic entry today- i dun mean i haf the looks to be one, but mayb de intellectual level.

wo xin li de gan qing
dou dui ni shuo
ma lu shang tian tian dou zai sai
er yi ge ren tian tian zai deng dai
mei you ni re zi hen hei bai
yuan lai zhe yang jiu shi lian ai
wo xiang yao ni zai wo shen bian
fen xiang wo shen ming de mei yi tian
wo xiang yao tian tian shuo
tian tian shuo
tian tian dui ni shuo....
wo ai ni.
david tao, tian tian

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

well, let me think of something nice to say.. to balance it out.
currently, alot of nice frens ard, mostly guys, or all? hemm
good fren, best fren, bestest fren all happens to be guys
and it happens that they're all from ACS, and they're christian~
hmmm
very interesting rite? so far no one tried to convert me yet, maybe they noe they will never succeed hahaha
well, another very interesting factor is they all haf dream gers already !! haha yeap so we're platonic frens k, mai siao siao.. hahah not many pple can have such achievements rite? i'm goin to like become part of them really soon, judging from the fact that been looking at gers (well i still look at guys), and abit violent, and abit loud. starting to curse and swear... very soon, i might not have any suitors at all, not like i have any now but yeah...

hmmm that's de weirdest thing happening around me... *thinks*
yeah>> and my bestest bud is my neighbour, so refer to earlier entry, he has appeared as an eye candy hahah and i actually reminded myself not to give him my blog add. but since we're now bestest bud, i tot it's only right... self proclaimed anti social, cant really talk person. super good christian, dun even drink (wonder why is he a fren now) hmmm good guy, too bad his taken. hahahaha well, if u gers pay me enough mayb i'll keep track of his love life for u all. LOL :) i nid money ah fren.. mus understand..

good fren is supposedly the hottest guy in law fac, i'm still wondering wat they based on to come up with that... cant really comment too much, cos i still want to keep our friendship. hahaha he's cute but definitely not my kind of cute. that's why we can be good frens~ but den again, this guy can be good frens with any ger, think to make his head abit bigger (ego i mean)

and my best fren is an AGP, like a super blur big brother. ask him about outside law stuff and he can talk to u bout it. but think once it comes back to sch work , he always seems to be abit lost. hahaha think my brother here has a bit too much commitments. did i mention we're in same TG for both LAWR/SLS and Torts/contracts? that's why i became his best fren.. easier to inform him about wat to do. i think after some time, we both realised we're both very lost in sch work. hahaha and this is really not working out very well...

well, i think i can haf my male escort agency rather soon, at the rate i'm goin. it's time i find a partner, den start recruiting members. hahahah well, gers can start contacting me and we can start the ball rolling from there...

think i hafta complete my studies in law, i might hafta use my knowlegde nez time....

in de end, it's all going to be worthwhile

when will it be de end?
wat's going to be worthwhile?
who's goin to judge what's worthwhile or not?

shi shang wu nan shiiiiii
Zhiii pa you xing rennnnnnnn

i wannna fly!!!!!!
fly fly fly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

have qt a number of things to talk about today...

firstly, was reading the newspaper in the morning and came across this article about the SMRT contemplating whether to build railings that cost $5m. due to the fact that too many pple are falling into the track nowadays.

one interesting observation : those that fall into the track are all adults. does that mean that children nowadays are either well taken care of by their parents or just that adults cant really take good care of themselves?

another thing is that don't singaporeans feel embarrass enough to have an annoucement system that tells us to stand behind the yellow line in FOUR languages EVERYTIME a train is coming, like it's not of common sense?
NOW hearing it is not enough, we have to take action to tell the world that we cant really take good care of our own individual self? that we nid physical barriers to stop us from falling off the track?!?

Wat ever happened to all the protesting voices that we are too taken care of? I tot we have an active group of people always calling out for the government to not dictate our lives, not take care of us so well?

As a frequent SMRT commuter, i personally feel that there are a number of reasons why people do fall off the track.
during peak hours, there are really too many people waiting to board the train. at first, everyone will be nice and courteous and stand behind the yellow line, even outside the line that is drawn for people coming how. HOWEVER, once the train began to move into the station, they seems to be attracted to the centre of where the door will be and before you know it, they are like so close to the door even before the train stops. this might not illustrate how a person can fall into the track before the train arrives, but it certainly shows how people don't really think before they act. by bernoulli's principle, the difference in pressure between nearer the moving train to outside will cause people to be 'suck' towards the train (haha my phys teacher gonna be so proud of me~!). Thus by moving beyond the yellow line before the train actually stops is qt a dumb move. and it actually SHOWS how careless adults can be with their own lives. therefore i think they can be qt capable of standing near the track when they feel giddy etc...

at this point, i nid to make it very clear that i have nothing against those victims of such accident, it's purely against the fact of building the railings.

back to the railings that is estimated to cost $5m. ultimately, being a monopoly in singapore (now my econs teacher will come into the picture) that extra cost, either will be subsidise by our ever caring government, or to us, commuters. and it's really people like me, who take the train like twice everyday, going to absorb most of the cost. If you were hoping for the govt to subsidise, start thinking of where that money comes from first. (hint: working adults pay tax)

It's seriously not about the money, it's about how it can be spent in better ways? like upgrading elderly flats which have pipes that are rusty already? i mean, if there were children or old folks falling off the track, yes, i totally agree we shld put railings. But we're talking about adults who are reasonably competent at taking care of themselves here. if they deliberately did so, only a concrete wall can stop them; if they were purely careless, isn't it high time they wake up? i mean, looking at all the previous cases, cant all of us take abit of initiative to take care of ourselves?

another of such incident is the parking problem in joo chiat (the man goin to disrupt church service due to church goers parking in front of his gate)
i'm sure many complaints would have been made to the church before such an outburst take place. and i am sure that the church would have told the congregation about this. it's human nature to wan convenience, i do it myself, but isn't it only polite, to actually ask if u really have to park in front of someone's property? have it actually occur to those inconsiderate people that others might need to drive out anytime during the church service? What if it was an emergency, someone's dying? if the asking had occured before the whole issue occurred, we wouldn't nid to dispatch traffic police to station there every sunday jus to make sure people follow the rules.

but then again, if everyone follow rules and be considerate, i won't have a job in the future...
hahaha