Me. Myself & i

Either the "love" that can conquer all doesn't exists or the concept of "love" doesn't exists... Haha...the past is coming back to haunt me.. Expecting that day to come, when the sky will come crashing down on me again.. The day when guilt will drown me.. That day when i'll be paralysed with the fear of crushing another's life.. The day when i'll come last in someone else's life, and drop the second things aren't right.. The self protection mechanism is already working, i'm backing off.. I cannot afford to wreck another person's life, i cannot afford to be drop again.. Because i already lost a piece of myself the last time, the most important piece in any relationship - faith...

Anyhow, am really disappointed with friendship as well.. the "very onz" friends that i made recently aside, i think about the friends that i made in the past.. I just get so demoralised.. Although i keep telling myself i shouldn't expect too much from others, i should expect more from myself. As long as i'm here for them, i shldn't expect them to do the same..

Mayb it is pms.. But i really feel the pinch.. It is like i've wasted two years of my life in that freaking school.. All the brothers, all the time spent together meant nothing. No bond, no memories... I'm plain dumb, should have known it when none of them turned up at my 21st chalet..

Yesterday while i listen to my fren's recollection of how drunk he was at his 21st bday, i couldn't help but feel jealous.. Jealous not because i didn't get drunk. But his frens told him "if you are drunk, i'll make sure you get home safely".. What about me? I spent my bday telling my frens that no one was staying for my chalet. Almost to the extent of begging people to stay. Crying at the cold storage while preparing for the chalet... Even my godbrother for almost 7 years couldn't make it to my party...

nv been there for them? din do enough? Selfish? Mayb i really din do a good job as a friend.. I guess this kind of experience will stay with you throughout your life, worse than any kind of hurt a break up can bring you.. It is a testimony of your character, the way you do things..

if not for a few really good friends still existing in my life, i guess i really would have given up on the concept of friendship.. Getting more and more deluded by this bond among people... So fragile, so pathetic, so non-existence.

Have i wasted the past 21 years? Is my life only starting now?