i jus got home, showered.
neva had i been so drunked. good thing i was in my sister's club, if not i wont noe how to get home... i think i sprain my ankle as a descended from de dance floor jus now... ouch.. anyway, had my fair share of clubbing..
got to knoe qt a number of pple at de club.. and all of them got to noe me as de "xiao mei mei"
hahaha technically yes, i'm rather young there...
try to understand, i'm typing rather ... not soberly here?
LOL..

yeah..
if i'm not sober there wil be alot of stuff dat i wanna do.. .. alot alot.
but i'll always be me.
i'll be guarded...

i had alot of baby sitters today!!! grinz.. from de waiter to de regulars.. even thou it's like de first day i'm officially noen there... it's rather interesting.. i like de warmth i get there.. rather fun.. grinz. but it's a whole new story tml, cos i'l haf to pay if i wanna drink tml yeah?
grinz btw for all ur info: it's ladies nite on thurs for siam supper club, and there's no cover charge. age limit is way above my age, by who cares...

sigh,
it's de most lonely when u're surrounded with de most pple.

i'll be another me when i wake up tml. i noe.
 cheers

wr

the question is not whether can i live without men... the question is, must they come in de form of boyfrens?
hahaha
i haf alot of guy frens. and platonic frenship btwn guys and gers do exists. unless de gers wanna be treated in a nicer way, say being send home, opening of doors, basically want guys to be nice. if not, guys and gers can be platonic frenz.

wat a song...
right here waiting by richard marx.

if i see you nez to never, how can we say forever?

oh cant u see it baby? u've got me goin crazy...

but in de end if i'm with you
i'll take de chance...

walked from bishan to amk... to buy something..
something else i came up with...
guys, i jus want to be with de best. unfortunately, there's nothing such as de best kind of guys ard. and de good ones are taken.

think it's not de best time to blog now..

 

 

took wrong train at jurong east... took towards boon lay instead, drop at chinese garden...... tot tt since i had de time and i'm there already, i walked to chinese garden... and walked ard and climb the pagoda... haha too bad de door on de top floor is locked... so can onli look out from de 7th floor...
 
rather interesting afternoon. walking ard everywhere...
being alone can be interesting too...
 
act. nuthin much.. dun really wanna go bishan tml..
damn but marina called...
 
i dunwan to wake up again..
ever again...
 
hahaha no worries, i will neva take my life. will never.
grinz
 
cheers.
 

hmmmmm nothin much to write today...
went to cwp and walk ard.. din find wat i was looking for.
 
yawnz. read one and a half book.. din get my bks from de ger, cos tenny said he'll find some1 else to sell de bks to me... 365 is too much... :p
 
hahaha totally braindead, i haf no idea how am i going back to sch in this state of mind.. must be all de alcohol and late nites. i'm becoming retarded. so it's true that alcohol retard growth and stuff lydat.
=p
 
anyway on my way to cwp, chat with an indian old man. rather interesting. he was eating tobacco (or so he claims, i wonder how pple eat tobacco like sweets) in order to stop smoking...*rather contradicting* hahaha but anyway, it's always interesting to talk to strangers. de things dey tell u...
 
dun really haf much to blog about.. afraid i might bore u all to death. tt's if anyone's reading
 
life's getting too mundane!!!!! nothing can spice it up i guess. it's so damn boring... becos it's peaceful.. see, pple are neva contented with wat they haf...  
where's my darling brother??? sigh.. din see him online today.
 
oh no.. de bks are giving me headache!!!!!!
 
damn.. decisions...
shld i jus take de set that is more complete?
call de ger tml...
3 bks in de list plus 2 not on de list cost 130... i got 7 more to buy!!!
tt's way way way offfff budget i think... or issit? geesh. damn it. i haven yet to see de state de bks are in !
i'm goin to faint
 
damn!
 
 

zouk is officially off my list of clubbing places.
twice i went, twice bad exp... PACKED with pple, impossible to move ard. de 45 mins i was there, was spent TRYING to move arnd and LOOKing for pple. how fun is that? wat were they thinking when they say it's goin to be happening? happening cos u can walk ard and say "OH HI! u're here! it's so happening huh? i saw XXX jus now near de bar. oh yeah, see u ard later huh..."
hell.

i'm sorry.
qt pissed with de place.

a song on class 95 jus saved de pissed off day....
A WHOLE NEW WORLD!!!
grinz. sweet, walt-disney, fairy-airy.. song...
i wanna be young again, young and naive again...
believe in happily ever after...
believe that everyone is nice...
nothing much to do except fall in love.

met kaiwei for dinner jus now... talked about wat happened in our lives lately...

i dun feel like bloggin today..

cheers.

wr

i regret not treasuring the little moments and seconds i had.
but ... yeah.. we shld neva regret... nothing is worth regreting remember..

k get back to business...
yeap.. my eye is more or less back to normal.
did i mention i dyed my hair...
well..

class 95 says lemon can be spermicide
hahaha from aust ...
20% solution destroy 90% of hiv something
hahahaha out of point.

yeah.. it's difficult to conc when u're listening to de radio...

wahhh now it's even better... my sister brought usher cd back..
i dunnid to sleep liao!!!!
WHAHAHAH
super nice..
i cant blog at all!!!!!

well, almost everyone has gone off...
and i haf to wake up by 930 tml.. act earlier, wanna go joggin...
k now everyone has gone off le.

in de middle of de nite, when everyone's asleep, when u're alone, what is it that is in ur mind?
who is that person ur heart misses?
calling out for?

i've made so many plans for de rest of de week...
de rest of de year..
de rest of my life..
but how sure am i dat i'll live till dat day? dat moment? dat second?
i'm not sure at all..
how sure am i dat i'll want to do dat in dat moment in dat second?
i'm not sure at all..

we make plans for tomorrow, de day after tomorrow and there after...
haf we ever tot that if we neva treasure this moment, this second then there'll never be a tomorrow, becos all the tomorrows dat we talk about.. is made up of many this moments, this seconds.

tomorrow will never come if we neva treasure all de little this moment and this second...

-=je t'aime beaucoup. if tomorrow neva come, i left with love in my heart.i want to know de last words i said is of love for you and not hate. like i always said...=-

treasure.
if you haf someone whom u love and loves you.
to have someone like dat is difficult, to MEEt someone like dat is even more difficult.

cheers.
wr
0006hrs
140704

grinz..
love songs on class 95...

there's a hero
if you look inside ur heart
u dun haf to be afraid of wat u are
there's an ans.
if you reach into ur soul
and de sorror tat you know
will melt away

and den hero comes along
with the strength to carry on
and u cast ur fear aside
u noe u can survive
when u feel ur hope is gone
look inside you and be strong
and u'll finally see de truth
that a hero lies in u

its a long road
and u feel alone...


you can find love
if you search within urself
and that emptiness ur feel
will disappear


hold on
there'll be a tomolo
in time
you'll find a way...

i'll find my way.
grinz.


shld haf seen it coming
shld haf read de signs
anyway
i guessed its over

cant believe tt i'm de fool again
i tot this will never end
how was i to noe
u nver told me
cant believe tt i'm de fool again
and i who tot u were my fren
how was i to noe
u never told me

baby
u shld haf called me
when u were lonely
when u nided me to be there
sadly u neva gave me
too many chances to show u how much i care

shld have seen it coming
shld haf read de signs
anyway....
i guess it's over...

wah.. real test of my typing skills... FUN
wahhahaha

-=if you live another 50 years, i want to live another 50 years and a day... no day will pass without me loving ya.=-

heard alot these few days.
talked alot these few days.
ran ard alot these few days.

i'm losing myself.
frankly speaking, i really dun't noe who am i now.
this is not a stunt to get attention.

i'm starting to shock myself with things i say, with things i do, with whom i've become sometimes...
pple start to tell me who they think i am and i'm like.."was i?" "am i lydat"
i dunnoe...
i'm really wondering wat is happening..
and who am i now?
wat am i looking for?
what do i want now?
i'm filled with questions that i dunnoe how to ans...
how was i like?
can i go back to who i was?

think i'm really goin into a bad case of identity crisis...
or is this de result of not getting enough sleep..

sometimes somethings i say comes out so fast it shock me.
sometimes de day before i'm all down and out and de nez day i'm alright.. trying to make pple feel betta..
one min i talk about appreciatin my family, nez min i realise i'm not spending enough time at home...
one moment i'm talking bout staying single, nez min i find myself feeling so alone.. so afraid to be alone...

i really cant define myself now..

or are all these definitions of me?

or are these very bad pms that i'm experience...

i hear so many things, gif very cynical comments.
was i like daT?

yet i haf pple telling me i look chirpy, happy, fairy-airy...
hahah from my og.

btw>> i dun think it's cool to be cynical and negative. so... yah...

god only noes wat happened.

-=u saw the angel in me, carved it out and set it free=-

i'm learning how to fly with the wings u gave me... de day i can fly is the day i'll fly back to u...

cheers

wr

well well..
hafta make a report of how my 08/07 went.
here goes...
let me see...

had my og outing yesterday morning... was late meeting colleen to take zy car to ecp...hahah as usual? paiseh paiseh... but zy said somthing about it drizzling, so no point they go first anyway.. so ended up waiting for me.. de rain saved de dayyyyy.. in a way...

cycle in de rain... .. feel rather dumb lah.. go all de way to ecp to get drenched and an aching buttock.. hahaha they haf a queer definition of enjoyment.. budden had my fair share of fun listening to their 'jokes' and stuff.. hahaha

was ferried by zy to parkway, really thankful to haf someone who drives and has a car in de og... haha and really owe it to him, if not we'll all haf to cycle in de rain to parkway and back to return the bicycles...

ate sushi at parkway.
was effectively ignore on sms. started to feel damn low and pissed off. feel damn bad towards my og.. had to leave early and summore wasn't really myself at sakae.. so.. i'm sorry guys..

anyway, took a bus from parkway to tampines and then to yishun to change to cab to yj... to be late for de meeting... looked at pictures, see de video, teared alittle and den .. alot of stuff happen. at least in my mind there was alot of things goin on at the same time. was really down yesterday and god noes why.
talked to ma ma.. felt much much betta.

i dunnoe wat to say le.
cont tml...

cheers
wr

yawnz...
went sentosa today.. suppose to meet niang niang at 11, end up i reached there at like 1130 (late as usual) ahaha and she reached there like 1200!!! expected. LOL
talked alot... mostly bout myself.. hai.. really feel bad.. everytime we go out i'm always yakatee yaking about myself.. but.. bleai.. hahah she never stop me and when i realise it it's like too late le ba... k k.. mus make a mental note to curb myself nez time i see her...

den came home to sleep.. beauty sleep.. hahah seems like i can neva get enough sleep nowadays.. everyday fall into deep sleep.. anytime.. den always wake up with a headache.. wonder why's dat...

yawnz...

tml is a busy busy day!!!!
goin ecp in de morning!!!!! with my og!
grinz
dennnn... goin sch pass bert tutorial and to collect the hugs dat my darling brother owe me! hahaha.. den goin tuition.. den goin ms at nite!!!... wat an eventful day...

friday hafta go med check up and tuition in de evening...
sat... hmmmm somethings on but i cant rem what

anyhow.. rather busy... HOPE I CONT TO BE SO BUSY!!!!
i like to be busy!!
hahahah

and i feel i'm growin old..
sob sob.. i'm 19 and i feel old.. wat de hell
wahhahaha
shldn't stay out late so often le..

hmmm let me think of sumthing more intellectual to talk about...
oh yah... yesterday my mum told me not to stand too near de curb while waiting for bus or public transport. one indian or malay guy rides a bicycle and goes ard groping pple's breast and gets away on de bicycle.... how sick is that? wat's de world coming to?!?! haha wat's de fun in groping others breast? i dun see it ba.. or maybe i shldn't in de first place...

well.. was on de topic of chinese losing it's value in sg, again, with my aunt.. brought up de example of a fren of mine, who went for the teaching scholarship but ended up taking the teaching award jus cos she was majoring chinese in uni.. one reason could be there's less emphasis on chinese now in sg, another is that they could get teachers from china and taiwan at cheaper rate and not haf to pay for their education...

i'm totally disgusted at the tot of wat all these implies. on one hand they say "we're not tryin to play down de importance of chinese, jus hope that students are taking it out of interest and passion..." on the other hand they gif scholars with good grades and cca records the less prestigious award jus becos she's taking chinese. wat is this? hypocrisy is an understatement man... i mean i really feel for those who are really passionate about their mother tongue, becos they are not getting their due recognition! this elitist society is still rather bias against the minority of eng speaking upper class. seems like everything has a price tag stuck to it. if there's no value in learning mother tongue, we'll minimise our resources dedicated to it, cos the rate of return is not as high as other subjects... this is how cruel reality is ba... everything is about value, about returns, about potential...

sigh.

jus got reminded of him.
damn.
and i tried so hard to put him out of my mind today.

hate this.
but i noe i can do it.
i can do it betta than anyone else.
i'm gonna prove my self worth.
to myself, to everyone that cares for me.
i can walk out of this myself....

when there's light, there's shadows.
when there's happiness, there's sadness.
when there's love, there's hatred.

duality to everything..
yin and yang...

hahah priory of sions?
shit. i'm too into it...

cheers.

well... really feel like blogging tonite... so let me haf my share of writing...

siok told me i'd be betta off hating him.. i think it's a whole lot easier for me as well...i'm sure it doesn't hurt as much as before le. i noe everything will get better from here...
siok mentioned wat i lack is a proper closure... i'm not sure if i'm ready for it... a final gdbye. a final end to everything. thou we all noe nothing will be possible anymore... put an end to it... return him all his things... and to haf nothing to do with him or he'll haf nothing to do with me anymore...

i'm not as strong as i tot i was.

je m'ennuie de lui
je m'ennuie de lui beaucoup davantage qu'I pensé je
je t'aime beaucoup...
si seulement vous lisiez ceci...
je veux juste vous dire...
"avez été absent vous depuis le jour vous à gauche. avec chaque battement de coeur et chaque pensée qui croise mon esprit."

i miss him....

lalalalal
went back to sch today to celebrate my didi's bday!!!
hahahah was quite an awkward surprise, din really work out the way it was suppose to be....

saw ma ma...
she was wearing the top i gave her!!!!
hahaha so happy!!! dunnoe jus feels good to see her..
althou we did not talk alot, or told each other alot, jus feels close to her.. something i dun really understand ba.. maybe i noe her much more than it seems..

anyway, mrs george was jealous!!! haha cos i bot mama a shirt but din get her anything.. oops... hahaha

din really haf much to do in sch.. except catching up with old fren, literally, cos it's de drink stall unker... dunno, make it a pt to find him everytime i go back. i think i'm closer to him than any other person in the sch.. jus feels like talking to my dad... when he tells me to take care of myself, dun get a bf so early and study hard and stuff lydat... somehow i feel easier to relate to him than to any of my teachers... LOL... perhaps deep down inside btwn me and my teachers, we'll always think that aft sometime, i'll stop visiting the sch and forget all about than.. in simpler terms, relations turn cold, and the students forget about their teachers and everyone moves on... how cynical. how cold. how adult...

wonder how i'll turn out to be when i'm one of them...

was with siok de whole morning. we talked alot... more than i've talked to all of them altogether since beginning of the year... never expect myself to lose track of time talking to anyone of them actually... talked about almost everything, frens family perspective of life... realise that i really dun wanna grow up... growin up means losing frens, becoming cold and cynical... and more burden to shoulder, more emotional burden... u get hurt but there's no one to go to.. becos u're an adult u shld be able to handle it... u let go of things more easily, see everything more lightly... the things u treasure are more realistic and tangible...

i'm afraid of growing up...

but it's inevitable.

u put up a brave front even when u feel sad... becos u're not suppose to let others see de weaker side of u.. u start to backstab, form alliance against each other... u start to do everything u can to earn more money, to sustain a so called comfortable life style...

u haf to be sensible.

u learn to let go of the love that u claim u'll protect for the rest of ur life.
u learn that there are other more impt things in life than the person u claim to love.
u learn that in life, many things are not within ur control.
u learn that in life, nothing's fair.
u learn that no matter how bad u feel, time heals all wounds.

hhahah ...

i saw an old fren of ours today
she asked about you
i din qt know what to say
heard u've been making more rounds round here
while i've been trying to make tears disappear...

chorus:
now i'm almost over you.
i'm almost shld feel good
so when u come back ard aft painting the town
u'd see i'm almost over you...

u're such a sly one with ur cold cold heart
maybe leaving came easy
but it torn me apart
time heals all wounds they say
and i shld know..
cos it seems like forever
but i'm letting you go....

(chorus)

i can forgive you and soon i'll forget all my shattered dreams
altho u left me with nothing to show
all our misery...

(chorus)

when u come back ard aft painting the town
u'd see i'm almost over you...

angel of mine

when i first saw you
i already knew
there was somthing inside you
something i tot i'll never find.
angel of mine...

i look at u
looking at me
now i know why they say the best things are free
gonna love you till de end of time
angel of mine...

wat u mean to me you'll never know
deep inside i nid to show

you came into my life
sent from above
came out of my dreams such a perfect love
and i'll adore u till de end of time
angel of mine...

nothing means more to me than wat we share
no one in this whole world can ever compare
.....
angel of mine...

wat u mean to me u'll never know
deep inside i nid to show...

you came into my life
sent from above
came out of my dreams such a perfect love
and i'll adore u till de end of time
angel of mine...

i never knew i could feel each moment as if it was new
every breathe i take
bow that i make
i wanna share it with you...

when i first saw u
i already knew
there was something inside of you
something i tot i'll never find..
angel of mine......

i miss him.

my mind fails to block that tot out of my mind as much as i try..
dunwan to appear like i'm whining.. so yah. shall stop here...

anyway>> had an interesting day of giving tuition, yet again.
i qt enjoy running from place to place, facing a diff student for one and half hours. knowing by de end of another 8 sessions i can get some money to spend. haha at least the time spent is worthwhile to me.. rather than goin for movie, doin nothing at home.. facing the computer and typing a blog, like what i'm doin right now....

hahah.. k. sudden change of mood.
think it's pms.

yawns
all alone at home
fun
think i seriously shld learn to enjoy time spent alone..
borrow 3 books from lib... one about bio-ethics.. hahaha wat's happening to me?
hummmm....

like there's no nice songs on de radio...

oh yeah.. read some back dated news about missing chinese tourists here in sg... and lesser local tour agency wanna lias with the chinese tour agency to tour the chinese ard, due to the forfeiting of the 1000 deposit for each chinese tourist that go missing.. and local tour agencies are facing a dilemma rite now... haha and chinese tour agencies and threatening to go to other agencies if they refuse to let the whole lot come over... hmm talk about arrogance... how can we ever be compare with pple from where our ancestors came from? they are after all, pple of the purest breed.

hahaha got scandal!!!!
haizz that's de thing about sch that i miss.. but dun wanna be part of the scandal .. but listening to them is jus damn fun...

sigh.. depending on such things to make my life interesting...
sigh.. talk about pathetic.

yupz. haf u ever love someone so much, it hurts?
yupZ
hahaha

funny.

all u nid is love... all u nid is love, love... love is all ard...
yup i'm sure.

oh no.. suddenly feel like eating prata!
wat de heck..
hahaha

class 95 is on a topic of discussion bout pple who cant be trusted due to past relationships... hahah or perhaps cant trust others due to past exp... jaded? interesting topic... nice song... sigh...

i dont wanna live w/o you
nothing's gonna change my love for u
u ought to noe by now how much i love you
one thing u can be sure of
i'll never ask for more than your love...

i'm sure wateva two pple say while in a relationship is as true as anything... but it was jus for that moment in time....those words have expiry dates attached to them. de day when he meets someone else, de day he leaves, de day he thinks the relationship is not wat he is looking for, is the day when all those words suddenly becoms meaningless. and haf no effect after that.

sound cynical? but works for me.. sounds logical. at least i believe wat was said was ONCE true.. jus that they gradually become lies...

anyway... too much said for a day.

gotta go back to my lively, chirpy, i-love-life-too-much and family oriented self now...

starting to feel like a schizo...

cheers

in de arms of the angels.
fly away from here.
from the star .. hotel room
and the endlessness that u feel.

nothing to blog bout..

starting to become a walking negative as well..
i'm starting to scare myself with de kinds of tots crossing my mind...

yawnZ

jus wish that sch starts soon and everything will be too damn buzy to think about anything

grinz

signing off
take care

hmmm...
totally brain dead now.
tired...
totally exhausted...
sigh...
had qt a bad day actually..
tiring and sad day
somehow my tots went ard him.us.
starting to really.. find the whole thing a damn joke.
a big joke played on me by him..
or de big guy above.

hahaha
it's really really bad...
dun dare go back .. dunwan to see anything that reminds me of him... but i still hafta return him his stuff.. i wonder how?
hahaha anyway he din ask for anything back...
sigh...
i'm starting to hate him... really really not good...
cos hate means i still feel for him.
sigh...
and happen that he's doin really well w'o me..
he might even be happily attached/engaged right now..
hahaha no idea wats happening to me now

trying really hard to put everything behind me... but even a guy who jus met me say he can feel that i still love him alot...
wat de hell.

but i noe i'm doin fine
grinz
very very buzy lately
dun even haf time to sleep, and enjoy my very very warm bed... sigh.
hahaha i love that feeling of running ard being buzy...
busy over nothing...

i'm lost.

feels stupid.

yawnz.

maybe all these results from lack of sleep...

when sch reopen everything shall be fine!
grinz

i will survive!!!!

mistakes that dun kill u, will only make u stronger..
i'm growing stronger, becoming more matured and love life more and more by de min.

i will survive...

sighz...

heh heh...
damn long no blog..
dun think anyone still reading
anyway write for fun .. anyway free now..

jus came back from law camp~
qt fun.. but alot of waiting.. and i mean ALOT...
rather brain dead now...
din sleep last nite
hahaha

1st day, waiting + ice breakers. introduce us to our secret pal, everyone says its an initiative by SDU.. my first exp with SDU....

2nd day, tele matches... lose like hell in de morning. forfeit till siao... but that's for the morning one.. got damn dirty. but fun! hahaha afternoon games nid to use brain... den we got our winning streak back.. thrash all de other ogs~! but they din haf to do forfeit.. started to think there's conspiracy agains my og... hmmmm

3rd day.. water tele.. went to SRC swimming pool.. hahaha i din play lah.. cos damn deep.. 1.7 eh. i'll jus drown. even thou i noe how to swim..
out of four stations my grp onli did 3, including one played with the councillors... cos one og walk over, no one brought swim wear.. (i'm sure...) so i was there purely to play with water onli.. hahaha got float summore damn fun.
had amazing race aft the water tele.. went ard town. nearly dieded there. and found out that our student pass expire le!!! sob sob.. i jus top up leh. wat the hell...den de stupid race qt dumb leh.. cos until the end all de station masters sian diao liao... den not much forfeit. we also sian diao.. last stage we go even betta, ask us to hurry up cos they wanna go eat dinner one.. ~~`
den at nite was blind folded and brought ard nus. tHis iS SUpeR FUN!!!! hahaha also alot of waiting but really pays off lah. some one will lead us by voice, w/o body contact, ard.. up the stairs, turn here and there. den had stations and things to do blind folded.. like de swing, slide, barrel thingy.. my fave is de lorry!!!!! grinz. blind folded to go on de lorry, den ermm.. dunno de driver got pass not lah, think no pass also drive betta than him. but that's de fun part lah..
hahahaha but all de gers were screaming! haha wanted to go for second time... sulkz..

4th day~ do nothing. talk crap until de formal dinner, which we were suppose to stay with our secret pal. kaoz. dun even get me started. dreading de dinner since morning.. den keep kaobeing... but anyway, had to go lah.. argh.. hate to be manipulated lydat... anyway, was damn mean, left my date there most of the time. even thou i tried talking to him, din hit off lah. den went to toilet 3 times. last time lasted for like 15 mins, till de dinner officially ended! hahahahah k.. i'm meanie.. watever..
den went to double o!!!!! hahaha super fun. shan't elaborate. den gossip till today morning... wah.. damn tiring loh.. cannot make it...

hahaha got ONE cute guy in the camp... sigh din get to get his number, always do disappearing act. wanna get his no. from my G1 G2 also cant. cos she was like, why u wan his number? even thou they all noe i think he's cute. SULKZ. shld hav talked more to him yesterday... DAMN.. argh... bah... wait for rag and flag. might jus see him! hiak hiak hiakzz

my grp pple qt fun lah.. qt onz also. ask them do what den do wat one.. hahaha damn cute la some.. den in de grp i damn zho bo. my onli job is to create noise. =p
as usual rite? yah loh.. not clever enough, action also not fast enough.. only de mouth keep exercising.. hahaha hope they found it entertaining lah..

sian. i wan de cute guy's number... anyone?
argh.

got to go for tuition le..

cheers...