To waste a man's existence in worrying about the future, in grieving over the past, in idleness or in heedlessness, is to show his lack of fitness for the noble place that he holds as the best of earthly creatures. He will thus create bad karma which will religate him to a place befitting his unworthiness. Bear this in mind and do good while life lasts. By wasting ur time, your harm not only urself but also others, for ur time is as much others' as it is yours.
The secret of happy, successful living is to do what needs to be done now, and not worry about the past or the future. We cannot reshape the past, nor can we anticipate everything in the future. There is but one moment of time over which we have some conscious control and that is the present.
Many people jus worry about the future. They have to learn to adjust themselves to the circumstances. Whatever castles they may build in the air, whatever dreams they may have, they must always remember that they are living in this world of constant friction and change.
"There are no stars which we could trust,
There is no guiding light,
And we know that we must
BE GOOD, BE JUST, BE RIGHT."
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
SICK CYCLE CAROUSEL - lifehouse
if shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine
if it had a home would it be my eyes
would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
well here we go now one more time
I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my wayI tried to change this mind
you better believe that I have tried to beat this
so when will this end it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop
till I step down from this for good
well I never thought I'd end up here never
thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more time
I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
you better believe that I have tried to beat this
so when will this end it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop
till I step down from thissick cycle carousel
this is a sick cycle yeahsick cycle carousel
this is a sick cycle yeah
so when will this end it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop
till I step down from this for good
so when will this end it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop
till I step down from this for good
sick cycle carousel
sick cycle carousel
sick cycle carousel
sick cycle carousel
if shame had a face I think it would kind of look like mine
if it had a home would it be my eyes
would you believe me if I said I'm tired of this
well here we go now one more time
I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my wayI tried to change this mind
you better believe that I have tried to beat this
so when will this end it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop
till I step down from this for good
well I never thought I'd end up here never
thought I'd be standing where I am
I guess I kind of thought that it would be easier than this
I guess I was wrong now one more time
I tried to climb your steps
I tried to chase you down
I tried to see how low I could get down to the ground
I tried to earn my way
I tried to change this mind
you better believe that I have tried to beat this
so when will this end it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop
till I step down from thissick cycle carousel
this is a sick cycle yeahsick cycle carousel
this is a sick cycle yeah
so when will this end it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop
till I step down from this for good
so when will this end it goes on and on
over and over and over again
keeps spinning around I know that it won't stop
till I step down from this for good
sick cycle carousel
sick cycle carousel
sick cycle carousel
sick cycle carousel
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
Was sick since saturday night, haven't been sleeping at night ever since because i slept too much in the day... I tried to sleep just now, but my muscle seems to be aching, like they need stretching. Then i rem the other day my sister mentioning something about dengue fever. Being the kia see kind, i woke up to check what are the symptoms online.. I think one of the most significant one is that the fever will cont rite? Good thing that my fever subsided long ago ;P
Jus to be safe, i shall check if i get rashes in 2 days time...
Don't think i can fall asleep now.
Funny how i thought of him when i felt something was wrong. I even thought something might be bothering him. Might sound bizarre to some of you out there, i remember when we were dating i used to have such experiences.
Everything spiralled out of my control, became an obsession. Love you, hate you, love you, hate you. Everything became a cycle. And at the end of it, i only hate myself more and more, bringing myself deeper and deeper into the mess.
It is a habit. "you" have became a part of me. No matter how the surroundings change, i feel haunted by 'you'. No matter how far you are, 'you' are close.
It is scary.
I no longer wanna see u again. I bear no hope that we can be together again. I pray each day that i get the closure that i so badly need. I pray that someone can salvage me from this mess. Because i tried to pick myself up. But i failed so badly.
I've asked u to help me out, to give me the closure that i nid. But u ignored me.
How could u be so selfish? how could u be such a coward? Just because u cannot face urself, u refuse to release me from this hell. Don't tell me i'm a strong girl, that you know i'll brave this storm, even the strongest person has his weakness..
Remember when i asked if we'll ever patch, you told me it is very difficult, things will never be the same again. You were right, because u made it difficult. U made it different by making it difficult.
The more i analyse this, the less i think i shld see in you. But instead, i see lesser of myself, because i still think of u like i used to.
The day u msg me, i fell sick, i lost sleep.
Tell me when will this end?
Jus to be safe, i shall check if i get rashes in 2 days time...
Don't think i can fall asleep now.
Funny how i thought of him when i felt something was wrong. I even thought something might be bothering him. Might sound bizarre to some of you out there, i remember when we were dating i used to have such experiences.
Everything spiralled out of my control, became an obsession. Love you, hate you, love you, hate you. Everything became a cycle. And at the end of it, i only hate myself more and more, bringing myself deeper and deeper into the mess.
It is a habit. "you" have became a part of me. No matter how the surroundings change, i feel haunted by 'you'. No matter how far you are, 'you' are close.
It is scary.
I no longer wanna see u again. I bear no hope that we can be together again. I pray each day that i get the closure that i so badly need. I pray that someone can salvage me from this mess. Because i tried to pick myself up. But i failed so badly.
I've asked u to help me out, to give me the closure that i nid. But u ignored me.
How could u be so selfish? how could u be such a coward? Just because u cannot face urself, u refuse to release me from this hell. Don't tell me i'm a strong girl, that you know i'll brave this storm, even the strongest person has his weakness..
Remember when i asked if we'll ever patch, you told me it is very difficult, things will never be the same again. You were right, because u made it difficult. U made it different by making it difficult.
The more i analyse this, the less i think i shld see in you. But instead, i see lesser of myself, because i still think of u like i used to.
The day u msg me, i fell sick, i lost sleep.
Tell me when will this end?
woke up bright and early to check my mail to see if i have any work to do... No work :D
Went surfing the kids' blogs, those that are normal enough..
Everytime i read their blogs, i get a different feeling...
I think i see some of them really lost, really stressed out, they feel so much about friends that perhaps i will never understand..
i start to wonder, i know that trip has changed their lives, but has it become better? We have started a curriculum, but seems like we did not manage to complete it. I feel responsible, almost guilty.
For those who feel stressed out due to exams:
Start ur revision now, bit by bit. 5 pages of econs per day and u'll finish a chapter in at most 2 weeks. Obviously u go by sub-headings instead of pages. A month before ur econs ppr, u ought to have finished everything, start writing ur essays. All kinds of essays that the teacher can think of, from other school's prelim paper. Prepare and shorten it to its essence. Keep writing.
Start with baby steps and gain momentum, there is no use fretting now. You are left with 4 months, as much as u complain about the school, bout the teachers, it ain't going to bring u anywhere. I've been there, done that.
If u don't pick urself up, no one can help u.
For those who are lost:
I wont be of much help, hahaha. Because i don't know exactly what is happening and unlikely to find out. All i can say is, sometimes the greatest lesson we learn in life, is to let go.
I'd very much wanna be there to listen, but sometimes all we can do is listen.
Well,
seriously, there is really nothing different about u guys and those in other JCs, except they have learnt how to focus earlier than u guys. I cannot emphasize more on the importance of A's. Mayb it is just senseless nagging to u guys, and you guys do have a choice.
Remember what Mr Goh said "your life now is made up of choices u've made in the past. and Mr Ng - "Make them such that, You know everytime u recall the incidents, You know You'll make the same choices again."
Went surfing the kids' blogs, those that are normal enough..
Everytime i read their blogs, i get a different feeling...
I think i see some of them really lost, really stressed out, they feel so much about friends that perhaps i will never understand..
i start to wonder, i know that trip has changed their lives, but has it become better? We have started a curriculum, but seems like we did not manage to complete it. I feel responsible, almost guilty.
For those who feel stressed out due to exams:
Start ur revision now, bit by bit. 5 pages of econs per day and u'll finish a chapter in at most 2 weeks. Obviously u go by sub-headings instead of pages. A month before ur econs ppr, u ought to have finished everything, start writing ur essays. All kinds of essays that the teacher can think of, from other school's prelim paper. Prepare and shorten it to its essence. Keep writing.
Start with baby steps and gain momentum, there is no use fretting now. You are left with 4 months, as much as u complain about the school, bout the teachers, it ain't going to bring u anywhere. I've been there, done that.
If u don't pick urself up, no one can help u.
For those who are lost:
I wont be of much help, hahaha. Because i don't know exactly what is happening and unlikely to find out. All i can say is, sometimes the greatest lesson we learn in life, is to let go.
I'd very much wanna be there to listen, but sometimes all we can do is listen.
Well,
seriously, there is really nothing different about u guys and those in other JCs, except they have learnt how to focus earlier than u guys. I cannot emphasize more on the importance of A's. Mayb it is just senseless nagging to u guys, and you guys do have a choice.
Remember what Mr Goh said "your life now is made up of choices u've made in the past. and Mr Ng - "Make them such that, You know everytime u recall the incidents, You know You'll make the same choices again."
Monday, July 18, 2005
Came down with flu today, bad one. been lying in bed, immobilized half of the day.. Also partly because i was reading Harry Potter. Yes, i went to queue up to get the new book - the half-blood prince. Finished it while i was stupefied to my bed. :p
K, for those who haven read it, it isn't as good as i expected it to be. Or perhaps it was jus the medicine and too much sleeping...
Maybe i shld watch tv instead of blogging, cos i cant spoil the fun for all of u by telling the story. Neither has anything interesting happen to me, after lying in bed the whole day.
Oh, did i mention someone congrats me for being some chairperson, which is totally untrue. I was awakened by the msg and nearly reply 'who is this' to that unregistered number. Asking me to make the organization fun to attract people. and telling me not to seek vp's advice all the time... wat a joke. As if he has any interest in the organization. Or maybe he just want me to screw up the vp. I asked him who told him that and it was untrue, he merely replied "from XXX". Well, then i said there were difficulties because we are still pretty much dependent on the school. Anyhow i appreciated his advice.
If he don't have anything better to say, don't msg me. And act as if he was forced to msg me. It is the worst when he started a topic and when i replied, his replies are sorta short and reluctant. What the hell, i can very well do without that kind of msg. I hope my sleepless night wasn't because of it, because it happened many times before. DARN.
Been reading John Grisham's The Testament as well, Mr O'Riley, a successful lawyer who has been in and out of alcohol addiction. Thou i'm not addicted to alcohol, certainly can understand what he is going throu. That kind of obsession and lies that you tell urself. A little is all i'm goin to take/do, it wont do no harm. In de end, it usually ends up in greater damage than you told urself...
Names have been changed to protect the identities of individuals. HAHA
So much for "a guy who doesn't text you, call you or ask u out is totally not interested in you". Well, at least we learn that even if they did text you, they're still not interested. hahaha
Sick.
I hate to be sick...
Cheers
WR
K, for those who haven read it, it isn't as good as i expected it to be. Or perhaps it was jus the medicine and too much sleeping...
Maybe i shld watch tv instead of blogging, cos i cant spoil the fun for all of u by telling the story. Neither has anything interesting happen to me, after lying in bed the whole day.
Oh, did i mention someone congrats me for being some chairperson, which is totally untrue. I was awakened by the msg and nearly reply 'who is this' to that unregistered number. Asking me to make the organization fun to attract people. and telling me not to seek vp's advice all the time... wat a joke. As if he has any interest in the organization. Or maybe he just want me to screw up the vp. I asked him who told him that and it was untrue, he merely replied "from XXX". Well, then i said there were difficulties because we are still pretty much dependent on the school. Anyhow i appreciated his advice.
If he don't have anything better to say, don't msg me. And act as if he was forced to msg me. It is the worst when he started a topic and when i replied, his replies are sorta short and reluctant. What the hell, i can very well do without that kind of msg. I hope my sleepless night wasn't because of it, because it happened many times before. DARN.
Been reading John Grisham's The Testament as well, Mr O'Riley, a successful lawyer who has been in and out of alcohol addiction. Thou i'm not addicted to alcohol, certainly can understand what he is going throu. That kind of obsession and lies that you tell urself. A little is all i'm goin to take/do, it wont do no harm. In de end, it usually ends up in greater damage than you told urself...
Names have been changed to protect the identities of individuals. HAHA
So much for "a guy who doesn't text you, call you or ask u out is totally not interested in you". Well, at least we learn that even if they did text you, they're still not interested. hahaha
Sick.
I hate to be sick...
Cheers
WR
Friday, July 15, 2005
i woke up two mornings ago to see the headlines of NKF's suit against SPH. I thought to myself 'you must be kidding me man'. After reading the article and checking the date, ensuring myself it wasn't April, I laughed. HAhahah I couldn't believe NKF would have taken such a dumb step. Not only did they sue somebody for defamation, knowing damn well they have a gold plated tap in one of their washroom, they sued the newspaper! And not any paper, they were going against the major (and probably only one) newspaper publisher in Singapore. If this was a publicity stunt (albeit negative), NKF has definitely gotten it.
Anyway, the next day's (yesterday) report on the trial only reaffirmed my belief that NKF was going down and making a fool of itself on the way. The inaccurate assertion of how long the reserve could last them and the number of patients were so clearly fraudulent, intentional. Mr Durai actually maintain there was no intent to decieve, because they honestly believed that they should raise as much money to help the patient. FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP USING THE PATIENTS AS AN EXCUSE!!!!!!! Out of the 62 million that they have raised, only 37 million went to the patients (as of their homepage). by this percentage, with more money that they raised, the amount being 'lost' will increase proportionately as well. Because our dear executive director recieves his bonus according to his performance, and most probably, he is not the only one.
He has made more than a few attempts to justify what he did, what he recieved because of his work for the organisation. 10 to 12months bonus, 8 cars to choose from with drivers included, maintenance fees and road tax for his Mercs, flying first class. Executive privileges that he claimed he is entitled to.
Who granted these privileges? Was he the only one in charged? Who are the board of directors and why are they there? What are they doing when all these happens?
Well, at least there are some really important people on his side, like Mrs Goh Chok Tong (i'd really love to use her maiden name, but i can't find it). She said, and i quote "For a person who runs a million-dollar charitable organisation, $600,000 is peanuts as it has a few hundred millions in reserves." With all due respect to Mr Goh (yes i mean Mr.), i was simply appalled by what she said. How can you justify Mr Durai's yearly income by comparing it with the reserves in the organisation, he is running a CHARITABLE organisation, not some MNCs with high turnover rate. These are the money that people scrimp and save, who donated despite the economic downturn, despite retrenchment. These money were donated with the belief that most of it will be put into good use, with compassion, with love. I cannot believe how irresponsible of her to say something like that. Statistics have also shown that in Singapore, the people who donate are mostly middle class and below. Middle class usually earn at most 3 to 4000 a month, a yearly income of 36 to 48 000. Even with a bonus of 5 months, we are only looking at 42 to 68000. So if 600,000 is peanuts, wat den is the people earning? Ikan Bilis? Or Hei Bi (hokkien for dried prawns)?
I am not advocating that the organisation should look tattered and run down, that the executive director should only take the minimum wages with a 8 year old car instead. I believe that the organisation has to look presentable because the place recieves important people. There is no need to strip to bare neccesities. But a $1000 toilet bowl and a $990 tap are too much, definitely. I also believe that a simple image can actually win u more donations, taking away the the prizes.
Of course, we cannot forget what NKF has done for the patients and what it was set up to do. However, if the organisation cannot admit that it has decieved the public (no reason can justify the deception) and promise transparency. It will definitely lose the majority of donations. Well, it can definitely depend on people donating for the condominium, cars and what not. But i'm sure it will not be enough to cover their expenses to buy the cars etc.
As my contract tutor once said
"It is a choice; either you choose to donate to an organisation which has transparency or you donate to one which doesn't but can actually help people."
Good job SPH
Anyway, the next day's (yesterday) report on the trial only reaffirmed my belief that NKF was going down and making a fool of itself on the way. The inaccurate assertion of how long the reserve could last them and the number of patients were so clearly fraudulent, intentional. Mr Durai actually maintain there was no intent to decieve, because they honestly believed that they should raise as much money to help the patient. FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP USING THE PATIENTS AS AN EXCUSE!!!!!!! Out of the 62 million that they have raised, only 37 million went to the patients (as of their homepage). by this percentage, with more money that they raised, the amount being 'lost' will increase proportionately as well. Because our dear executive director recieves his bonus according to his performance, and most probably, he is not the only one.
He has made more than a few attempts to justify what he did, what he recieved because of his work for the organisation. 10 to 12months bonus, 8 cars to choose from with drivers included, maintenance fees and road tax for his Mercs, flying first class. Executive privileges that he claimed he is entitled to.
Who granted these privileges? Was he the only one in charged? Who are the board of directors and why are they there? What are they doing when all these happens?
Well, at least there are some really important people on his side, like Mrs Goh Chok Tong (i'd really love to use her maiden name, but i can't find it). She said, and i quote "For a person who runs a million-dollar charitable organisation, $600,000 is peanuts as it has a few hundred millions in reserves." With all due respect to Mr Goh (yes i mean Mr.), i was simply appalled by what she said. How can you justify Mr Durai's yearly income by comparing it with the reserves in the organisation, he is running a CHARITABLE organisation, not some MNCs with high turnover rate. These are the money that people scrimp and save, who donated despite the economic downturn, despite retrenchment. These money were donated with the belief that most of it will be put into good use, with compassion, with love. I cannot believe how irresponsible of her to say something like that. Statistics have also shown that in Singapore, the people who donate are mostly middle class and below. Middle class usually earn at most 3 to 4000 a month, a yearly income of 36 to 48 000. Even with a bonus of 5 months, we are only looking at 42 to 68000. So if 600,000 is peanuts, wat den is the people earning? Ikan Bilis? Or Hei Bi (hokkien for dried prawns)?
I am not advocating that the organisation should look tattered and run down, that the executive director should only take the minimum wages with a 8 year old car instead. I believe that the organisation has to look presentable because the place recieves important people. There is no need to strip to bare neccesities. But a $1000 toilet bowl and a $990 tap are too much, definitely. I also believe that a simple image can actually win u more donations, taking away the the prizes.
Of course, we cannot forget what NKF has done for the patients and what it was set up to do. However, if the organisation cannot admit that it has decieved the public (no reason can justify the deception) and promise transparency. It will definitely lose the majority of donations. Well, it can definitely depend on people donating for the condominium, cars and what not. But i'm sure it will not be enough to cover their expenses to buy the cars etc.
As my contract tutor once said
"It is a choice; either you choose to donate to an organisation which has transparency or you donate to one which doesn't but can actually help people."
Good job SPH
Monday, July 04, 2005
Today is a Sunday. And it did not started out right. I jumped out of bed cos i was suppose to have tuition at 10 and i overslept. After i washed up, there still wasn't any sign of my student (he comes over instead), so i called his house. His maid told me he was out thou. After having my breakfast, i text his brother to check if he knew where my student was, apparently the brother has disappeared as well. My desperate housewives is not loading as fast as it should, that is probably why i am here ranting. If that is not enough, i came home (i have my breakfast at my grandad's house, next door) to find no allowance for today!!!!
haha i guess my parents forgot. I really dun want to think that that is their way of punishing me for running around these few days. ;p anyhow i can't blame them for wanting to punish me, i guess i was really a little overboard these few weeks. Perhaps i'm trying to make up for lost times.. During the school term, it was either school work or boyfren. Not that i am complaining, i tend to enjoy someone being there for me, rather than seeing so many different faces throughout a week. Most probably it is just a habit. The thing about me is i tend to stick to my old habits. The more comfortable way of doing things, which almost always turn out to be bad ones ;p That is something i have got to change within a week. Hahahha
Doing some marketing for the Law Fraternity Concert, as well as organising the Alumni's tea for YJC alumni. Looks like a lot of work. But it isn't. I'm just glad all these are happening during holidays instead of the term. I promise myself not to take up anymore things when school reopens. I nid my grades badly... After the talk that my mom gave me..
Well, it was actually started by me.. i was talking to her, and then i asked her after knowing me for all my life, literally, how does she see me?
There is a chinese saying which goes, the person who knows the daughter most, is the mother. My mom gave a very accurate description of my character and how i was different from my sisters. Which eventually led to my studies, inevitably. I believe she waited for quite some time to talk to me, and i had given her a perfect chance..
When i say i have no motivation, perhaps that is just what i wanted to think. I have a lot of responsibilities to shoulder in times to come. My parents, my aunt, they'll all be depending on me i guess. And i, after receiving so much from that, want the best for them. Not to mention they have slogged so hard for us, not having enough rest, working 18 hours a day..
I guess after some time, i became so self-centre, all i think about is the pain i have, all that i lack, how bored i am... I forgot about my parents working round the clock, giving me the luxury to have a roof over my head, but whine at home, saying i'm bored.. I became so selfish, saying i have no motivation..which sounds as if they meant nothing to me.. i must have broken my mum's heart when i said that.
Hardwork cannot bring u to perfection,
however, it can bring you as close to that as possible.
because u are in control.
My student is so going to get it from me.
WR
haha i guess my parents forgot. I really dun want to think that that is their way of punishing me for running around these few days. ;p anyhow i can't blame them for wanting to punish me, i guess i was really a little overboard these few weeks. Perhaps i'm trying to make up for lost times.. During the school term, it was either school work or boyfren. Not that i am complaining, i tend to enjoy someone being there for me, rather than seeing so many different faces throughout a week. Most probably it is just a habit. The thing about me is i tend to stick to my old habits. The more comfortable way of doing things, which almost always turn out to be bad ones ;p That is something i have got to change within a week. Hahahha
Doing some marketing for the Law Fraternity Concert, as well as organising the Alumni's tea for YJC alumni. Looks like a lot of work. But it isn't. I'm just glad all these are happening during holidays instead of the term. I promise myself not to take up anymore things when school reopens. I nid my grades badly... After the talk that my mom gave me..
Well, it was actually started by me.. i was talking to her, and then i asked her after knowing me for all my life, literally, how does she see me?
There is a chinese saying which goes, the person who knows the daughter most, is the mother. My mom gave a very accurate description of my character and how i was different from my sisters. Which eventually led to my studies, inevitably. I believe she waited for quite some time to talk to me, and i had given her a perfect chance..
When i say i have no motivation, perhaps that is just what i wanted to think. I have a lot of responsibilities to shoulder in times to come. My parents, my aunt, they'll all be depending on me i guess. And i, after receiving so much from that, want the best for them. Not to mention they have slogged so hard for us, not having enough rest, working 18 hours a day..
I guess after some time, i became so self-centre, all i think about is the pain i have, all that i lack, how bored i am... I forgot about my parents working round the clock, giving me the luxury to have a roof over my head, but whine at home, saying i'm bored.. I became so selfish, saying i have no motivation..which sounds as if they meant nothing to me.. i must have broken my mum's heart when i said that.
Hardwork cannot bring u to perfection,
however, it can bring you as close to that as possible.
because u are in control.
My student is so going to get it from me.
WR
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
well, this is going to be one of those random ranting entries.... but then again, what's new?
i've gotta reach school at 730 IN THE MORNING tomorrow. For those of you who thinks school has started for me, NoPE. I'm going back for FOC (freshmen Orientation Camp)... It's one of those effects of one pathetic mistake at one particular moment in time, which will continue to haunt me until i hand over. Actually i sort of made up my mind to make this a lasting experience for myself, but i guess God seems to disagree on that decision. During the dry run when all the in-charges are to be present to understand the games, i had to accompany my grandfather to the hospital for his medical report. If that is not enough, the doctors had to mess up the report by telling us it was cancer in the morning but TB in the afternoon. Therefore, i had to go back again on wednesday to make sure it was TB and not cancer. which effectively left me as a floater in the camp.
Anyway, i'll choose my ah gong over the camp anytime, anywhere. Family is definitely more important than any other things. :p I guess i'm just not destine to be involved in the camp. HAhHAh Moreover i don't like to do things when i'm forced to take part in it. Even though there isn't a black and white rule that MC members had to take part in FOC, they were hard selling the positions to us.. J even called me up to "ask" if i wanted any position when there wasn't much left. Haiz, guess i'm just not good at rejecting people. Took it up without any devotion, hence no ideas, therefore no contributions.
I guess i have to apologise for my more or less indifference towards the activities. All i feel when i'm there is to fulfil an obligation. There's no real sense of belonging towards both the committees. It is really sad, because i have been working with the MC for almost a year. Perhaps i never did try to mingle with them from the start. Anyway, the difference between us is something i experience with almost everyone in Law school, simply out of sync with them. Hence i guess it isn't the committee, it is just me. :p i'm de weirdo.
There are so many things happening around me.
Family's financial worries, my own relationship problems, my extended family also facing problems, my granddad isn't well, needs to go to the hospital now and then, my fren's problem..
they are mostly non of my business..
i simply cant help it but be bothered by them.
I think i've seen, heard and experience too much things during this holidays... To the extent i'm overwhelmed by them, always confused.. I'm getting lost in this world..
There's no longer right and wrong.
I no longer know what to do, to choose, to say..
Everything is happening so fast.
Why is it so difficult to communicate properly?
If only i can tell u what i want,
if only you can tell me what you really want;
if we all can be frank with each other, there'll be less problems in the world...
But do u really know what u want?
I nid a job for the next month.
i've gotta reach school at 730 IN THE MORNING tomorrow. For those of you who thinks school has started for me, NoPE. I'm going back for FOC (freshmen Orientation Camp)... It's one of those effects of one pathetic mistake at one particular moment in time, which will continue to haunt me until i hand over. Actually i sort of made up my mind to make this a lasting experience for myself, but i guess God seems to disagree on that decision. During the dry run when all the in-charges are to be present to understand the games, i had to accompany my grandfather to the hospital for his medical report. If that is not enough, the doctors had to mess up the report by telling us it was cancer in the morning but TB in the afternoon. Therefore, i had to go back again on wednesday to make sure it was TB and not cancer. which effectively left me as a floater in the camp.
Anyway, i'll choose my ah gong over the camp anytime, anywhere. Family is definitely more important than any other things. :p I guess i'm just not destine to be involved in the camp. HAhHAh Moreover i don't like to do things when i'm forced to take part in it. Even though there isn't a black and white rule that MC members had to take part in FOC, they were hard selling the positions to us.. J even called me up to "ask" if i wanted any position when there wasn't much left. Haiz, guess i'm just not good at rejecting people. Took it up without any devotion, hence no ideas, therefore no contributions.
I guess i have to apologise for my more or less indifference towards the activities. All i feel when i'm there is to fulfil an obligation. There's no real sense of belonging towards both the committees. It is really sad, because i have been working with the MC for almost a year. Perhaps i never did try to mingle with them from the start. Anyway, the difference between us is something i experience with almost everyone in Law school, simply out of sync with them. Hence i guess it isn't the committee, it is just me. :p i'm de weirdo.
There are so many things happening around me.
Family's financial worries, my own relationship problems, my extended family also facing problems, my granddad isn't well, needs to go to the hospital now and then, my fren's problem..
they are mostly non of my business..
i simply cant help it but be bothered by them.
I think i've seen, heard and experience too much things during this holidays... To the extent i'm overwhelmed by them, always confused.. I'm getting lost in this world..
There's no longer right and wrong.
I no longer know what to do, to choose, to say..
Everything is happening so fast.
Why is it so difficult to communicate properly?
If only i can tell u what i want,
if only you can tell me what you really want;
if we all can be frank with each other, there'll be less problems in the world...
But do u really know what u want?
I nid a job for the next month.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Today i finally realised why some people think law sch pple are snobbish... It really has nothing to do with law students.
I was at the dining table with my aunt and uncle in law for breakfast. As i was flipping through the papers, my aunt actually asked me why was i wearing the faculty t-shirt on a Sunday? The question really puzzled me since I wear NUS t-shirts almost everyday at home during the holidays. First, i have so many of them. Second, they're free. Third, they're rather comfortable. and lastly, i simply grab them from the poles.
The fact is that, when i wear the shirt, i don't give too much thought to it. But the wearing of the shirt actually means something to people around me. Imagine this, when i'm choosing a t-shirt to wear at home, and i purposefully choose a tee other than law faculty tee, doesn't this shows that i actually think i'm more superior. that's why i wouldn't want them to feel inferior.
I don't see them having a problem when i wear YJC t-shirts. Neither do i see them having a problem when my sister wears her SP t-shirt. Does it mean i have nothing to be proud of being a YJCian?
Half the time when people complain about others being snobbish or proud, they themselves are suffering from sort of inferior complexity. Seriously, i don't think there's anything to be proud or snobbish about studying Law. However, little things that you do will be under scrutiny of those around you. Normal things like wearing a t-shirt can actually be interpreted to be an arrogant act. To you, it is just another t-shirt.
--
My granddad is going to be admitted into the hospital tonight. They found a small tumour in his lungs last week, it'll be tested tml to see if its cancerous. Since they found the tumour until today, i've been told on two occasions that "If it happens to your father, then you know."
I totally agree with that. If it was my dad, i wouldn't have the slightest idea of how to go about doing it. Not to mention there's no one in my family that has medishield or insurance to pay for the fees. I'd definitely be at a loss. things like "what is meant to be" will be bs at this point. Bottomline, i'll freak out.
But when they say things like "if it happens to your father.." Why haven't they considered that i live next door to this grandfather of mine? That I'm the one who sees him day in day out, talk to him? That i'm the one who ran back home holding his hands the first thing i reached home from thailand? that i'm the one who sees this grand dad of mine, so freaked out by the possibility of more operations, that he has to sneak out to the corridor in the middle of the night to drink some chinese medicine. Which, for your information, can choke you with a few drops but he has to drink a spoonful?
My aunt was running ard, making a big fuss of asking him to change, walking ard looking for documents, asking my little sister to change, checking the mobile that she'll pass to my grand-dad... Simply making things look abit too serious and too much for a frail old man.. He was just sitting there, not knowing what to expect, thinking he has something as bad if not worse that what he had, trying to calm himself down. He was telling me that he was going to the hospital for a holiday, trying to make things sound a little lighter... There they are, walking ard creating a big fuss, instead of reassuring him. I stepped up and said that maybe they shld consider how he feels now and downplay it abit. Instead, i got chided for being apathetic. That he wasn't my dad, so i din know how they feel now. My aunt even said that what i said made me sound like i was watching a show, in chinese, they call it watching the fire from the other side of the shore.
Mayb they're right, mayb i'm just unfeeling.
I was at the dining table with my aunt and uncle in law for breakfast. As i was flipping through the papers, my aunt actually asked me why was i wearing the faculty t-shirt on a Sunday? The question really puzzled me since I wear NUS t-shirts almost everyday at home during the holidays. First, i have so many of them. Second, they're free. Third, they're rather comfortable. and lastly, i simply grab them from the poles.
The fact is that, when i wear the shirt, i don't give too much thought to it. But the wearing of the shirt actually means something to people around me. Imagine this, when i'm choosing a t-shirt to wear at home, and i purposefully choose a tee other than law faculty tee, doesn't this shows that i actually think i'm more superior. that's why i wouldn't want them to feel inferior.
I don't see them having a problem when i wear YJC t-shirts. Neither do i see them having a problem when my sister wears her SP t-shirt. Does it mean i have nothing to be proud of being a YJCian?
Half the time when people complain about others being snobbish or proud, they themselves are suffering from sort of inferior complexity. Seriously, i don't think there's anything to be proud or snobbish about studying Law. However, little things that you do will be under scrutiny of those around you. Normal things like wearing a t-shirt can actually be interpreted to be an arrogant act. To you, it is just another t-shirt.
--
My granddad is going to be admitted into the hospital tonight. They found a small tumour in his lungs last week, it'll be tested tml to see if its cancerous. Since they found the tumour until today, i've been told on two occasions that "If it happens to your father, then you know."
I totally agree with that. If it was my dad, i wouldn't have the slightest idea of how to go about doing it. Not to mention there's no one in my family that has medishield or insurance to pay for the fees. I'd definitely be at a loss. things like "what is meant to be" will be bs at this point. Bottomline, i'll freak out.
But when they say things like "if it happens to your father.." Why haven't they considered that i live next door to this grandfather of mine? That I'm the one who sees him day in day out, talk to him? That i'm the one who ran back home holding his hands the first thing i reached home from thailand? that i'm the one who sees this grand dad of mine, so freaked out by the possibility of more operations, that he has to sneak out to the corridor in the middle of the night to drink some chinese medicine. Which, for your information, can choke you with a few drops but he has to drink a spoonful?
My aunt was running ard, making a big fuss of asking him to change, walking ard looking for documents, asking my little sister to change, checking the mobile that she'll pass to my grand-dad... Simply making things look abit too serious and too much for a frail old man.. He was just sitting there, not knowing what to expect, thinking he has something as bad if not worse that what he had, trying to calm himself down. He was telling me that he was going to the hospital for a holiday, trying to make things sound a little lighter... There they are, walking ard creating a big fuss, instead of reassuring him. I stepped up and said that maybe they shld consider how he feels now and downplay it abit. Instead, i got chided for being apathetic. That he wasn't my dad, so i din know how they feel now. My aunt even said that what i said made me sound like i was watching a show, in chinese, they call it watching the fire from the other side of the shore.
Mayb they're right, mayb i'm just unfeeling.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
hahaha
actually the walk only took about an hour? then i jogged back! i was surprised i actually jogged all the way back to my house! I think it is jus a one off thing..
Anyway, gonna work something out here:
a guy said you his loved ones are worried for him, therefore he feels pressured, leading to him asking for a break up. He then said that you are a wonderful girl bla bla bla.. Later he said he needed breathing space and a period of being alone, explaining why he hasn't reply your sms; or he said he did not receive a single sms throughout - even though he said he'll still be there for you. After you sent an email telling him you'll make things easier by not contacting him, he replied you by telling you his dad was worried about him (dunno why), and his results. After which you replied, he disappeared into thin air?
Tell me what to make of it?
a jerk trying to make the fall easier to bear?
or
a guy trapped in a dilemna between his loved ones and his feelings?
all the people out there listen up man,
if you really wanna break someone's heart, don't try to make it sound good.
Because there isn't really a nice way to break some body's heart.
Don't blame it on your family, your work, your frens...
when in actual fact,
if you love someone, you will be willing to take up that responsibility to convince ur family and frens, negotiate your relationship with your work.
but if you stopped loving someone, even the weather is a good enough reason to break up.
dont try to make it sound good cos you don't wanna feel guilty.
You'll only make the person you once love feel worse.
If that's of no concern to you,
i rest my case.
disappointed in love.
given up hope in men.
wr
actually the walk only took about an hour? then i jogged back! i was surprised i actually jogged all the way back to my house! I think it is jus a one off thing..
Anyway, gonna work something out here:
a guy said you his loved ones are worried for him, therefore he feels pressured, leading to him asking for a break up. He then said that you are a wonderful girl bla bla bla.. Later he said he needed breathing space and a period of being alone, explaining why he hasn't reply your sms; or he said he did not receive a single sms throughout - even though he said he'll still be there for you. After you sent an email telling him you'll make things easier by not contacting him, he replied you by telling you his dad was worried about him (dunno why), and his results. After which you replied, he disappeared into thin air?
Tell me what to make of it?
a jerk trying to make the fall easier to bear?
or
a guy trapped in a dilemna between his loved ones and his feelings?
all the people out there listen up man,
if you really wanna break someone's heart, don't try to make it sound good.
Because there isn't really a nice way to break some body's heart.
Don't blame it on your family, your work, your frens...
when in actual fact,
if you love someone, you will be willing to take up that responsibility to convince ur family and frens, negotiate your relationship with your work.
but if you stopped loving someone, even the weather is a good enough reason to break up.
dont try to make it sound good cos you don't wanna feel guilty.
You'll only make the person you once love feel worse.
If that's of no concern to you,
i rest my case.
disappointed in love.
given up hope in men.
wr
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Saturday, June 04, 2005
I'm jus curious, its the first time someone's loved ones are worried for him for dating me.. It just brings to mind those typical story lines when a vulnerable girl is dating a thug, or a triad leader. haha I don't know what to think.
i've never asked him not to go to church, i've never told him not to follow God's way, i've never stop him from doing his missionary works. In fact, i've told him i'd like to know wat is God's way of dealing with problems. Now that i'm tired of searching a way of my own, i'm really tired. The more that i tried, the deeper i fall. I don't know what is it that i'm seeking. I know what i ought to do, but more often than not, i follow my heart instead of my head.
i guess he is going through a lot of pain right now, judging from his email, having to choose between his faith and me. I guess the choice is obvious. His faith encompasses his family, his frens, his life. Maybe i should help him to make his choice an easier one. I've tried hard enough to maintain this r/s.. I guess i've given enough assurance, if he/they cannot give me time, i guess my existence in his life will only bring him more pain..
well, i guess all my love stories are rather exciting, always a drama element to them. A couple seperated by religion/family, hahahahhaha i thought such things only happen in the 50s or 60s. What a joke, i'm laughing so hard. hahahhahaha
Mayb by the end of my life, i would have experienced all kinds of special story lines that i see on tv. That isn't a bad idea at all. mayb i can even enter the Guinness world record.. "Experiencing most number of movie plots in reality" Hahahahah, then i can write a book, the royalties will go to my kids, if i have any
你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏
人怔怔看情感慨
不能给你未来
我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪掉下来，
伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白
我给你最多的疼爱
是手放开
不要一张双人床
中间隔着一片海
感情的污点
就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最多的疼爱
是手放开
不想用言语拉扯
所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台
有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌
写着等待
if i was the one in pain, i can hold on. I am willing to wait. I am willing to put the relationship to test. It may sound stupid, because perhaps in the end, i'll feel even worst for holding on.. However, if he still loves me and there is a possibility that we can make it through, no matter how slim, i'm willing to give it a shot. I won't give up even before we try, i dont wanna squash his hopes.
However, i'm not the one in pain, i'm not the one with difficult decisions to make, i'm de one to be given up. I'm de one to be leave behind because of big reasons, because of themselves. I'm not the one to choose. A relationships hinges on his/their decisions. Its no longer about us. I'm out of the picture. I feel like an animal up for sacrifice...
how can they be so selfish? They never asked me what i want?
They move on easy.
they leave me behind.
One's got a career to think of, one's got his religion, his loved ones, his space to breathe.
its all about them..
Is that all it is about?
Is that what love is about?
Me? myself and I?
they asked me what do i want out of the relationship with paul.
i don't know.
someone once told me, for everything you do, you must have a motive behind it.
I don't know.
I'm jus following my feelings, my emotions, my intuition. In retrospect, you can definitely put a hundred and one motives, reasons to it. At the time of doing something, most of the time i'm jus working on first instincts. Even though most of the time, what i do turned out to be 'wrong'.
Don't say you'd protect me,
when in the end, you'll be the one that hurt me the most.
Because in the end, you'll cause my tears.
Because, there will always be an end.
Don't say you'd love me forever,
when in the end, we'll still part.
Its not your fault, its mine.
will i really feel better by your saying of that?
Wenrong
i've never asked him not to go to church, i've never told him not to follow God's way, i've never stop him from doing his missionary works. In fact, i've told him i'd like to know wat is God's way of dealing with problems. Now that i'm tired of searching a way of my own, i'm really tired. The more that i tried, the deeper i fall. I don't know what is it that i'm seeking. I know what i ought to do, but more often than not, i follow my heart instead of my head.
i guess he is going through a lot of pain right now, judging from his email, having to choose between his faith and me. I guess the choice is obvious. His faith encompasses his family, his frens, his life. Maybe i should help him to make his choice an easier one. I've tried hard enough to maintain this r/s.. I guess i've given enough assurance, if he/they cannot give me time, i guess my existence in his life will only bring him more pain..
well, i guess all my love stories are rather exciting, always a drama element to them. A couple seperated by religion/family, hahahahhaha i thought such things only happen in the 50s or 60s. What a joke, i'm laughing so hard. hahahhahaha
Mayb by the end of my life, i would have experienced all kinds of special story lines that i see on tv. That isn't a bad idea at all. mayb i can even enter the Guinness world record.. "Experiencing most number of movie plots in reality" Hahahahah, then i can write a book, the royalties will go to my kids, if i have any
你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏
人怔怔看情感慨
不能给你未来
我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪掉下来，
伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白
我给你最多的疼爱
是手放开
不要一张双人床
中间隔着一片海
感情的污点
就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最多的疼爱
是手放开
不想用言语拉扯
所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台
有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌
写着等待
if i was the one in pain, i can hold on. I am willing to wait. I am willing to put the relationship to test. It may sound stupid, because perhaps in the end, i'll feel even worst for holding on.. However, if he still loves me and there is a possibility that we can make it through, no matter how slim, i'm willing to give it a shot. I won't give up even before we try, i dont wanna squash his hopes.
However, i'm not the one in pain, i'm not the one with difficult decisions to make, i'm de one to be given up. I'm de one to be leave behind because of big reasons, because of themselves. I'm not the one to choose. A relationships hinges on his/their decisions. Its no longer about us. I'm out of the picture. I feel like an animal up for sacrifice...
how can they be so selfish? They never asked me what i want?
They move on easy.
they leave me behind.
One's got a career to think of, one's got his religion, his loved ones, his space to breathe.
its all about them..
Is that all it is about?
Is that what love is about?
Me? myself and I?
they asked me what do i want out of the relationship with paul.
i don't know.
someone once told me, for everything you do, you must have a motive behind it.
I don't know.
I'm jus following my feelings, my emotions, my intuition. In retrospect, you can definitely put a hundred and one motives, reasons to it. At the time of doing something, most of the time i'm jus working on first instincts. Even though most of the time, what i do turned out to be 'wrong'.
Don't say you'd protect me,
when in the end, you'll be the one that hurt me the most.
Because in the end, you'll cause my tears.
Because, there will always be an end.
Don't say you'd love me forever,
when in the end, we'll still part.
Its not your fault, its mine.
will i really feel better by your saying of that?
Wenrong
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