well, this is going to be one of those random ranting entries.... but then again, what's new?
i've gotta reach school at 730 IN THE MORNING tomorrow. For those of you who thinks school has started for me, NoPE. I'm going back for FOC (freshmen Orientation Camp)... It's one of those effects of one pathetic mistake at one particular moment in time, which will continue to haunt me until i hand over. Actually i sort of made up my mind to make this a lasting experience for myself, but i guess God seems to disagree on that decision. During the dry run when all the in-charges are to be present to understand the games, i had to accompany my grandfather to the hospital for his medical report. If that is not enough, the doctors had to mess up the report by telling us it was cancer in the morning but TB in the afternoon. Therefore, i had to go back again on wednesday to make sure it was TB and not cancer. which effectively left me as a floater in the camp.
Anyway, i'll choose my ah gong over the camp anytime, anywhere. Family is definitely more important than any other things. :p I guess i'm just not destine to be involved in the camp. HAhHAh Moreover i don't like to do things when i'm forced to take part in it. Even though there isn't a black and white rule that MC members had to take part in FOC, they were hard selling the positions to us.. J even called me up to "ask" if i wanted any position when there wasn't much left. Haiz, guess i'm just not good at rejecting people. Took it up without any devotion, hence no ideas, therefore no contributions.
I guess i have to apologise for my more or less indifference towards the activities. All i feel when i'm there is to fulfil an obligation. There's no real sense of belonging towards both the committees. It is really sad, because i have been working with the MC for almost a year. Perhaps i never did try to mingle with them from the start. Anyway, the difference between us is something i experience with almost everyone in Law school, simply out of sync with them. Hence i guess it isn't the committee, it is just me. :p i'm de weirdo.
There are so many things happening around me.
Family's financial worries, my own relationship problems, my extended family also facing problems, my granddad isn't well, needs to go to the hospital now and then, my fren's problem..
they are mostly non of my business..
i simply cant help it but be bothered by them.
I think i've seen, heard and experience too much things during this holidays... To the extent i'm overwhelmed by them, always confused.. I'm getting lost in this world..
There's no longer right and wrong.
I no longer know what to do, to choose, to say..
Everything is happening so fast.
Why is it so difficult to communicate properly?
If only i can tell u what i want,
if only you can tell me what you really want;
if we all can be frank with each other, there'll be less problems in the world...
But do u really know what u want?
I nid a job for the next month.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Today i finally realised why some people think law sch pple are snobbish... It really has nothing to do with law students.
I was at the dining table with my aunt and uncle in law for breakfast. As i was flipping through the papers, my aunt actually asked me why was i wearing the faculty t-shirt on a Sunday? The question really puzzled me since I wear NUS t-shirts almost everyday at home during the holidays. First, i have so many of them. Second, they're free. Third, they're rather comfortable. and lastly, i simply grab them from the poles.
The fact is that, when i wear the shirt, i don't give too much thought to it. But the wearing of the shirt actually means something to people around me. Imagine this, when i'm choosing a t-shirt to wear at home, and i purposefully choose a tee other than law faculty tee, doesn't this shows that i actually think i'm more superior. that's why i wouldn't want them to feel inferior.
I don't see them having a problem when i wear YJC t-shirts. Neither do i see them having a problem when my sister wears her SP t-shirt. Does it mean i have nothing to be proud of being a YJCian?
Half the time when people complain about others being snobbish or proud, they themselves are suffering from sort of inferior complexity. Seriously, i don't think there's anything to be proud or snobbish about studying Law. However, little things that you do will be under scrutiny of those around you. Normal things like wearing a t-shirt can actually be interpreted to be an arrogant act. To you, it is just another t-shirt.
--
My granddad is going to be admitted into the hospital tonight. They found a small tumour in his lungs last week, it'll be tested tml to see if its cancerous. Since they found the tumour until today, i've been told on two occasions that "If it happens to your father, then you know."
I totally agree with that. If it was my dad, i wouldn't have the slightest idea of how to go about doing it. Not to mention there's no one in my family that has medishield or insurance to pay for the fees. I'd definitely be at a loss. things like "what is meant to be" will be bs at this point. Bottomline, i'll freak out.
But when they say things like "if it happens to your father.." Why haven't they considered that i live next door to this grandfather of mine? That I'm the one who sees him day in day out, talk to him? That i'm the one who ran back home holding his hands the first thing i reached home from thailand? that i'm the one who sees this grand dad of mine, so freaked out by the possibility of more operations, that he has to sneak out to the corridor in the middle of the night to drink some chinese medicine. Which, for your information, can choke you with a few drops but he has to drink a spoonful?
My aunt was running ard, making a big fuss of asking him to change, walking ard looking for documents, asking my little sister to change, checking the mobile that she'll pass to my grand-dad... Simply making things look abit too serious and too much for a frail old man.. He was just sitting there, not knowing what to expect, thinking he has something as bad if not worse that what he had, trying to calm himself down. He was telling me that he was going to the hospital for a holiday, trying to make things sound a little lighter... There they are, walking ard creating a big fuss, instead of reassuring him. I stepped up and said that maybe they shld consider how he feels now and downplay it abit. Instead, i got chided for being apathetic. That he wasn't my dad, so i din know how they feel now. My aunt even said that what i said made me sound like i was watching a show, in chinese, they call it watching the fire from the other side of the shore.
Mayb they're right, mayb i'm just unfeeling.
I was at the dining table with my aunt and uncle in law for breakfast. As i was flipping through the papers, my aunt actually asked me why was i wearing the faculty t-shirt on a Sunday? The question really puzzled me since I wear NUS t-shirts almost everyday at home during the holidays. First, i have so many of them. Second, they're free. Third, they're rather comfortable. and lastly, i simply grab them from the poles.
The fact is that, when i wear the shirt, i don't give too much thought to it. But the wearing of the shirt actually means something to people around me. Imagine this, when i'm choosing a t-shirt to wear at home, and i purposefully choose a tee other than law faculty tee, doesn't this shows that i actually think i'm more superior. that's why i wouldn't want them to feel inferior.
I don't see them having a problem when i wear YJC t-shirts. Neither do i see them having a problem when my sister wears her SP t-shirt. Does it mean i have nothing to be proud of being a YJCian?
Half the time when people complain about others being snobbish or proud, they themselves are suffering from sort of inferior complexity. Seriously, i don't think there's anything to be proud or snobbish about studying Law. However, little things that you do will be under scrutiny of those around you. Normal things like wearing a t-shirt can actually be interpreted to be an arrogant act. To you, it is just another t-shirt.
--
My granddad is going to be admitted into the hospital tonight. They found a small tumour in his lungs last week, it'll be tested tml to see if its cancerous. Since they found the tumour until today, i've been told on two occasions that "If it happens to your father, then you know."
I totally agree with that. If it was my dad, i wouldn't have the slightest idea of how to go about doing it. Not to mention there's no one in my family that has medishield or insurance to pay for the fees. I'd definitely be at a loss. things like "what is meant to be" will be bs at this point. Bottomline, i'll freak out.
But when they say things like "if it happens to your father.." Why haven't they considered that i live next door to this grandfather of mine? That I'm the one who sees him day in day out, talk to him? That i'm the one who ran back home holding his hands the first thing i reached home from thailand? that i'm the one who sees this grand dad of mine, so freaked out by the possibility of more operations, that he has to sneak out to the corridor in the middle of the night to drink some chinese medicine. Which, for your information, can choke you with a few drops but he has to drink a spoonful?
My aunt was running ard, making a big fuss of asking him to change, walking ard looking for documents, asking my little sister to change, checking the mobile that she'll pass to my grand-dad... Simply making things look abit too serious and too much for a frail old man.. He was just sitting there, not knowing what to expect, thinking he has something as bad if not worse that what he had, trying to calm himself down. He was telling me that he was going to the hospital for a holiday, trying to make things sound a little lighter... There they are, walking ard creating a big fuss, instead of reassuring him. I stepped up and said that maybe they shld consider how he feels now and downplay it abit. Instead, i got chided for being apathetic. That he wasn't my dad, so i din know how they feel now. My aunt even said that what i said made me sound like i was watching a show, in chinese, they call it watching the fire from the other side of the shore.
Mayb they're right, mayb i'm just unfeeling.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
hahaha
actually the walk only took about an hour? then i jogged back! i was surprised i actually jogged all the way back to my house! I think it is jus a one off thing..
Anyway, gonna work something out here:
a guy said you his loved ones are worried for him, therefore he feels pressured, leading to him asking for a break up. He then said that you are a wonderful girl bla bla bla.. Later he said he needed breathing space and a period of being alone, explaining why he hasn't reply your sms; or he said he did not receive a single sms throughout - even though he said he'll still be there for you. After you sent an email telling him you'll make things easier by not contacting him, he replied you by telling you his dad was worried about him (dunno why), and his results. After which you replied, he disappeared into thin air?
Tell me what to make of it?
a jerk trying to make the fall easier to bear?
or
a guy trapped in a dilemna between his loved ones and his feelings?
all the people out there listen up man,
if you really wanna break someone's heart, don't try to make it sound good.
Because there isn't really a nice way to break some body's heart.
Don't blame it on your family, your work, your frens...
when in actual fact,
if you love someone, you will be willing to take up that responsibility to convince ur family and frens, negotiate your relationship with your work.
but if you stopped loving someone, even the weather is a good enough reason to break up.
dont try to make it sound good cos you don't wanna feel guilty.
You'll only make the person you once love feel worse.
If that's of no concern to you,
i rest my case.
disappointed in love.
given up hope in men.
wr
actually the walk only took about an hour? then i jogged back! i was surprised i actually jogged all the way back to my house! I think it is jus a one off thing..
Anyway, gonna work something out here:
a guy said you his loved ones are worried for him, therefore he feels pressured, leading to him asking for a break up. He then said that you are a wonderful girl bla bla bla.. Later he said he needed breathing space and a period of being alone, explaining why he hasn't reply your sms; or he said he did not receive a single sms throughout - even though he said he'll still be there for you. After you sent an email telling him you'll make things easier by not contacting him, he replied you by telling you his dad was worried about him (dunno why), and his results. After which you replied, he disappeared into thin air?
Tell me what to make of it?
a jerk trying to make the fall easier to bear?
or
a guy trapped in a dilemna between his loved ones and his feelings?
all the people out there listen up man,
if you really wanna break someone's heart, don't try to make it sound good.
Because there isn't really a nice way to break some body's heart.
Don't blame it on your family, your work, your frens...
when in actual fact,
if you love someone, you will be willing to take up that responsibility to convince ur family and frens, negotiate your relationship with your work.
but if you stopped loving someone, even the weather is a good enough reason to break up.
dont try to make it sound good cos you don't wanna feel guilty.
You'll only make the person you once love feel worse.
If that's of no concern to you,
i rest my case.
disappointed in love.
given up hope in men.
wr
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Saturday, June 04, 2005
I'm jus curious, its the first time someone's loved ones are worried for him for dating me.. It just brings to mind those typical story lines when a vulnerable girl is dating a thug, or a triad leader. haha I don't know what to think.
i've never asked him not to go to church, i've never told him not to follow God's way, i've never stop him from doing his missionary works. In fact, i've told him i'd like to know wat is God's way of dealing with problems. Now that i'm tired of searching a way of my own, i'm really tired. The more that i tried, the deeper i fall. I don't know what is it that i'm seeking. I know what i ought to do, but more often than not, i follow my heart instead of my head.
i guess he is going through a lot of pain right now, judging from his email, having to choose between his faith and me. I guess the choice is obvious. His faith encompasses his family, his frens, his life. Maybe i should help him to make his choice an easier one. I've tried hard enough to maintain this r/s.. I guess i've given enough assurance, if he/they cannot give me time, i guess my existence in his life will only bring him more pain..
well, i guess all my love stories are rather exciting, always a drama element to them. A couple seperated by religion/family, hahahahhaha i thought such things only happen in the 50s or 60s. What a joke, i'm laughing so hard. hahahhahaha
Mayb by the end of my life, i would have experienced all kinds of special story lines that i see on tv. That isn't a bad idea at all. mayb i can even enter the Guinness world record.. "Experiencing most number of movie plots in reality" Hahahahah, then i can write a book, the royalties will go to my kids, if i have any
你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏
人怔怔看情感慨
不能给你未来
我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪掉下来，
伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白
我给你最多的疼爱
是手放开
不要一张双人床
中间隔着一片海
感情的污点
就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最多的疼爱
是手放开
不想用言语拉扯
所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台
有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌
写着等待
if i was the one in pain, i can hold on. I am willing to wait. I am willing to put the relationship to test. It may sound stupid, because perhaps in the end, i'll feel even worst for holding on.. However, if he still loves me and there is a possibility that we can make it through, no matter how slim, i'm willing to give it a shot. I won't give up even before we try, i dont wanna squash his hopes.
However, i'm not the one in pain, i'm not the one with difficult decisions to make, i'm de one to be given up. I'm de one to be leave behind because of big reasons, because of themselves. I'm not the one to choose. A relationships hinges on his/their decisions. Its no longer about us. I'm out of the picture. I feel like an animal up for sacrifice...
how can they be so selfish? They never asked me what i want?
They move on easy.
they leave me behind.
One's got a career to think of, one's got his religion, his loved ones, his space to breathe.
its all about them..
Is that all it is about?
Is that what love is about?
Me? myself and I?
they asked me what do i want out of the relationship with paul.
i don't know.
someone once told me, for everything you do, you must have a motive behind it.
I don't know.
I'm jus following my feelings, my emotions, my intuition. In retrospect, you can definitely put a hundred and one motives, reasons to it. At the time of doing something, most of the time i'm jus working on first instincts. Even though most of the time, what i do turned out to be 'wrong'.
Don't say you'd protect me,
when in the end, you'll be the one that hurt me the most.
Because in the end, you'll cause my tears.
Because, there will always be an end.
Don't say you'd love me forever,
when in the end, we'll still part.
Its not your fault, its mine.
will i really feel better by your saying of that?
Wenrong
i've never asked him not to go to church, i've never told him not to follow God's way, i've never stop him from doing his missionary works. In fact, i've told him i'd like to know wat is God's way of dealing with problems. Now that i'm tired of searching a way of my own, i'm really tired. The more that i tried, the deeper i fall. I don't know what is it that i'm seeking. I know what i ought to do, but more often than not, i follow my heart instead of my head.
i guess he is going through a lot of pain right now, judging from his email, having to choose between his faith and me. I guess the choice is obvious. His faith encompasses his family, his frens, his life. Maybe i should help him to make his choice an easier one. I've tried hard enough to maintain this r/s.. I guess i've given enough assurance, if he/they cannot give me time, i guess my existence in his life will only bring him more pain..
well, i guess all my love stories are rather exciting, always a drama element to them. A couple seperated by religion/family, hahahahhaha i thought such things only happen in the 50s or 60s. What a joke, i'm laughing so hard. hahahhahaha
Mayb by the end of my life, i would have experienced all kinds of special story lines that i see on tv. That isn't a bad idea at all. mayb i can even enter the Guinness world record.. "Experiencing most number of movie plots in reality" Hahahahah, then i can write a book, the royalties will go to my kids, if i have any
你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏
人怔怔看情感慨
不能给你未来
我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪掉下来，
伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白
我给你最多的疼爱
是手放开
不要一张双人床
中间隔着一片海
感情的污点
就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋
最多的疼爱
是手放开
不想用言语拉扯
所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台
有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌
写着等待
if i was the one in pain, i can hold on. I am willing to wait. I am willing to put the relationship to test. It may sound stupid, because perhaps in the end, i'll feel even worst for holding on.. However, if he still loves me and there is a possibility that we can make it through, no matter how slim, i'm willing to give it a shot. I won't give up even before we try, i dont wanna squash his hopes.
However, i'm not the one in pain, i'm not the one with difficult decisions to make, i'm de one to be given up. I'm de one to be leave behind because of big reasons, because of themselves. I'm not the one to choose. A relationships hinges on his/their decisions. Its no longer about us. I'm out of the picture. I feel like an animal up for sacrifice...
how can they be so selfish? They never asked me what i want?
They move on easy.
they leave me behind.
One's got a career to think of, one's got his religion, his loved ones, his space to breathe.
its all about them..
Is that all it is about?
Is that what love is about?
Me? myself and I?
they asked me what do i want out of the relationship with paul.
i don't know.
someone once told me, for everything you do, you must have a motive behind it.
I don't know.
I'm jus following my feelings, my emotions, my intuition. In retrospect, you can definitely put a hundred and one motives, reasons to it. At the time of doing something, most of the time i'm jus working on first instincts. Even though most of the time, what i do turned out to be 'wrong'.
Don't say you'd protect me,
when in the end, you'll be the one that hurt me the most.
Because in the end, you'll cause my tears.
Because, there will always be an end.
Don't say you'd love me forever,
when in the end, we'll still part.
Its not your fault, its mine.
will i really feel better by your saying of that?
Wenrong
Friday, June 03, 2005
I'm so bored.
I just received my results - B for contract, C+ for LAWR, Crim and Legal theory.
Bad, but expected.
Contract was unexpected thou, i tot i would get a D for it. After the paper, i was totally devestated and i was crying on my way back. I had a C+ for the first paper, so this paper i had actually got an A- or at least a B+ in order to bring it to a B... Rather shocking considering the fact that i was panicking while doing the paper. My mind was in a state of blank and i couldn't understand what the qn was asking.. I guess this further strengthern my belief that Law as a subject is always unpredictable, like the judge. Darn it.
I've gotta work harder than this man.. i cant get C for all my Law years.. i might just end up as the first third class in ten years..
My mum's reaction was pretty neat. She actually told me all the C+s are Bs to her and a B is an A to her.. My mom is the coolest in the world. Her formula actually includes her seeing me working during the examination period. haha If only all the lecturers grade like her..
I'm so bored at home, i just realised since i came back, i've been going out ever since. I just cant sit still and do work.. I guess i'd have problem concentrating when school reopens.. Trust me to be worrying about that, which is two months away.
I'm so disoriented.
I nid to settle down.
argh
20.
big confusion.
darn
I just received my results - B for contract, C+ for LAWR, Crim and Legal theory.
Bad, but expected.
Contract was unexpected thou, i tot i would get a D for it. After the paper, i was totally devestated and i was crying on my way back. I had a C+ for the first paper, so this paper i had actually got an A- or at least a B+ in order to bring it to a B... Rather shocking considering the fact that i was panicking while doing the paper. My mind was in a state of blank and i couldn't understand what the qn was asking.. I guess this further strengthern my belief that Law as a subject is always unpredictable, like the judge. Darn it.
I've gotta work harder than this man.. i cant get C for all my Law years.. i might just end up as the first third class in ten years..
My mum's reaction was pretty neat. She actually told me all the C+s are Bs to her and a B is an A to her.. My mom is the coolest in the world. Her formula actually includes her seeing me working during the examination period. haha If only all the lecturers grade like her..
I'm so bored at home, i just realised since i came back, i've been going out ever since. I just cant sit still and do work.. I guess i'd have problem concentrating when school reopens.. Trust me to be worrying about that, which is two months away.
I'm so disoriented.
I nid to settle down.
argh
20.
big confusion.
darn
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
I'm back :)
bought lotsa stuff, spent lotsa money, made lotsa frens, learnt lotsa stuff...
I went at the age of 19, came back at the age of 20..
I wish I can say that I've grown up, that i can tell pple i'm already a young lady at the age of 20.
I don't know if its true.
but i learnt yesterday that perhaps i've matured a little from the time i left singapore..
I have so many things to say, i really don't know where to start..
so many things have changed since i left and its barely two weeks.
Apart from my age, my relationship, my understanding of myself, of niang niang. realisation..
We broke up yesterday. I guess one can consider that a mutual understanding. I guess i really dun wish to dwell on it here... Breaking up after i touched down in singapore isn't one of the things that i wanna share with my frens right now..
I realised i'm not as strong as i tot myself to be, not as independent. Although there is a chinese saying that goes like if you depend on ur family when your at home, in a strange land, you can only depend on your frens. The Thais had no complains about helping out as well. I realised that without their help, i could very well just have stayed in my hostel for the 3 days, instead of bringing home so many things for my family. I'm grateful for their hospitality. They've definitely went out of their way to take care of me. If any of them were to drop by singapore, I'd definitely make it a point to make them feel at home in singapore. This is my promise to them. Because frens like this, i'll never find anywhere.. Thou there is distant, i guess this distant will be the very element that will keep the frenship alive. Their beliefs in frenship, their faith in friends, their effort, made me realised that, there can be true frens actually.. they have wiped out my cynical belief that once i come back, everything returns to normal, they'll forget about me and i will to them.. perhaps its still to early to say.. but i guess i have faith in them..
I've also realised that i'm not so good at making conversation anymore. Even though i still get comments from my singaporean frens saying i mixed well with them, many a times i find myself stuck in a conversation. Awkward pauses became rather common. I tried dismissing them with reasons like communication difficulties and i was not in sync with the person i was talking to.. But i guess i'm more lively than that, i used to have a lot of crap to say to strangers..
Before the trip, i was worried about travelling with niang niang. There are many things which she cannot get used to, plus she's a little hot-tempered. I was worried if i could handle that, together with the stress of finding our way ard... I was totally wrong about her.. which shows that i've yet to know this fren, whom i've known for 5 years, very well. I'd always rem that on the first day, after we nearly got cheated by a taxi driver, i was in a state of uncertainty. Both of us were tired, i went for a shower. When i was done, i saw her reading the maps, thinking of a good way to get into our secluded hostel the next time we take a cab. There was no complains, no whining, no anger. She was stronger, more adaptable than me. Also, when my thai frens brought me ard, we usually have more things to say to each other. Niang niang will be left alone.. In singapore she wont feel too good about this, hence i was worried if she might get angry. however, my worries proved to be redundant. She was alright with being left alone, listening to our conversation. She even commented that the thais were really very nice people.
I guess one could say that a person will act differently when he/she goes abroad, or faced with difficult situation. I wont say its different, i'd say its an innate personality, the true self showing. That characteristic seldom shows itself when one is in his/her comfort zone. Knowing one's true self actually tells one how far you can go, how strong you are. For me, i know i'd always be relying on pple, relying on my skills relating to pple instead of myself, which is unreliable. For niang niang, she can pretty much go a long way if she wants to, because she relies on herself instead. i'm so proud of you.. You go, girl!
i realised the importance of my family. the value of my family. and the blessings i possess all along through all the tests i've been put through..
my daddy asked my sister EVERYDAY about me. my grandma asked my dad when i was coming back.. i ran to my granddad the first thing i got home, holding his hand makes me wanna cry.. i hugged my elder sister for the first time in many years because i brke up.. my younger sister saved up her allowance to buy me a handfone chain for my birthday.. my second sister came home early just to see me.. My mum cooked really nice dishes yday night to welcome me home... I even had a cake to celebrate my birthday.. :,) oh yeah, and daddy went all the way to the airport to fetch me when he was already near home...
paul was right, there're so many things that are impt to a person's life instead of a relationship..
"Learn to be alone, before you learn to live with someone else in your life.." -fr a good fren
its high time i learn how to.
bought lotsa stuff, spent lotsa money, made lotsa frens, learnt lotsa stuff...
I went at the age of 19, came back at the age of 20..
I wish I can say that I've grown up, that i can tell pple i'm already a young lady at the age of 20.
I don't know if its true.
but i learnt yesterday that perhaps i've matured a little from the time i left singapore..
I have so many things to say, i really don't know where to start..
so many things have changed since i left and its barely two weeks.
Apart from my age, my relationship, my understanding of myself, of niang niang. realisation..
We broke up yesterday. I guess one can consider that a mutual understanding. I guess i really dun wish to dwell on it here... Breaking up after i touched down in singapore isn't one of the things that i wanna share with my frens right now..
I realised i'm not as strong as i tot myself to be, not as independent. Although there is a chinese saying that goes like if you depend on ur family when your at home, in a strange land, you can only depend on your frens. The Thais had no complains about helping out as well. I realised that without their help, i could very well just have stayed in my hostel for the 3 days, instead of bringing home so many things for my family. I'm grateful for their hospitality. They've definitely went out of their way to take care of me. If any of them were to drop by singapore, I'd definitely make it a point to make them feel at home in singapore. This is my promise to them. Because frens like this, i'll never find anywhere.. Thou there is distant, i guess this distant will be the very element that will keep the frenship alive. Their beliefs in frenship, their faith in friends, their effort, made me realised that, there can be true frens actually.. they have wiped out my cynical belief that once i come back, everything returns to normal, they'll forget about me and i will to them.. perhaps its still to early to say.. but i guess i have faith in them..
I've also realised that i'm not so good at making conversation anymore. Even though i still get comments from my singaporean frens saying i mixed well with them, many a times i find myself stuck in a conversation. Awkward pauses became rather common. I tried dismissing them with reasons like communication difficulties and i was not in sync with the person i was talking to.. But i guess i'm more lively than that, i used to have a lot of crap to say to strangers..
Before the trip, i was worried about travelling with niang niang. There are many things which she cannot get used to, plus she's a little hot-tempered. I was worried if i could handle that, together with the stress of finding our way ard... I was totally wrong about her.. which shows that i've yet to know this fren, whom i've known for 5 years, very well. I'd always rem that on the first day, after we nearly got cheated by a taxi driver, i was in a state of uncertainty. Both of us were tired, i went for a shower. When i was done, i saw her reading the maps, thinking of a good way to get into our secluded hostel the next time we take a cab. There was no complains, no whining, no anger. She was stronger, more adaptable than me. Also, when my thai frens brought me ard, we usually have more things to say to each other. Niang niang will be left alone.. In singapore she wont feel too good about this, hence i was worried if she might get angry. however, my worries proved to be redundant. She was alright with being left alone, listening to our conversation. She even commented that the thais were really very nice people.
I guess one could say that a person will act differently when he/she goes abroad, or faced with difficult situation. I wont say its different, i'd say its an innate personality, the true self showing. That characteristic seldom shows itself when one is in his/her comfort zone. Knowing one's true self actually tells one how far you can go, how strong you are. For me, i know i'd always be relying on pple, relying on my skills relating to pple instead of myself, which is unreliable. For niang niang, she can pretty much go a long way if she wants to, because she relies on herself instead. i'm so proud of you.. You go, girl!
i realised the importance of my family. the value of my family. and the blessings i possess all along through all the tests i've been put through..
my daddy asked my sister EVERYDAY about me. my grandma asked my dad when i was coming back.. i ran to my granddad the first thing i got home, holding his hand makes me wanna cry.. i hugged my elder sister for the first time in many years because i brke up.. my younger sister saved up her allowance to buy me a handfone chain for my birthday.. my second sister came home early just to see me.. My mum cooked really nice dishes yday night to welcome me home... I even had a cake to celebrate my birthday.. :,) oh yeah, and daddy went all the way to the airport to fetch me when he was already near home...
paul was right, there're so many things that are impt to a person's life instead of a relationship..
"Learn to be alone, before you learn to live with someone else in your life.." -fr a good fren
its high time i learn how to.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
will be outta spore for 2 weeks.
:)
Thank you sabasketeers for the lovely present. esp meiling who spent her precious time folding the cranes..
and jie and lil bro who walked around ysh central with me, running some errands.
I really appreciate it. :)
the money was well spent. Its lovely to see you guys again after so long, you guys jus bring back some of the best memories.
I really dunno what is more impt that telling u guys to study hard, so forgive me for naggin u guys time and again. There's nothing more impt than studies right now..
take good care, you guys are blessed, stay crappy and lively.
Everyone out there still readin this crap, take care.
thank you for sticking ard...
later guys..
Cheers
wr
:)
Thank you sabasketeers for the lovely present. esp meiling who spent her precious time folding the cranes..
and jie and lil bro who walked around ysh central with me, running some errands.
I really appreciate it. :)
the money was well spent. Its lovely to see you guys again after so long, you guys jus bring back some of the best memories.
I really dunno what is more impt that telling u guys to study hard, so forgive me for naggin u guys time and again. There's nothing more impt than studies right now..
take good care, you guys are blessed, stay crappy and lively.
Everyone out there still readin this crap, take care.
thank you for sticking ard...
later guys..
Cheers
wr
是否每个笑脸背后都有个不开心的故事？
而越开心的脸孔后隐藏着越不开型的过去？
世界如果简单一点
人若是简单一点。。。
开心就是开心
伤心就是伤心。。。
爱就爱
不爱就不爱。。。
=========================================================
男孩和女孩认识一年多后，才开始发现彼此的存在。
也不知道是什么时候开始，男孩常常约女孩出去。
有时逛街，有时聊天。就算只是坐着面对面没说话，也感觉很自在。
两颗心慢慢的靠近，不知不觉地。
不晓得是默契，还是巧合，或者是害怕对方的反应，都把自己的心意，很好的隐藏起来。
一天，男孩反常得提早送女孩回家。
女孩不解，以为自己说错了什么，还是做了什么让他怀疑自己对他有感情，不知所措。
电话中的女孩，心不在焉。
但女孩终于鼓起勇气，向表白时，男孩对她说：
“其实，我喜欢你”
在女孩还来不及高兴时，他接着说
“但是我不能接受我们在一起会带来的一样眼光。这一步，我想我很难跨出。”
“我并不想逼你做你不想做的事。我只想说，我也喜欢你。就这么简单。”
“那，我们就顺其自然吧？”
“我们能不能收回昨天说的话？一切似乎那么不自然。。。”
“对我而言，收不收回，都一样自然。如果你真的不习惯，说收回会令你好过一点，那么我们就收回昨天的话吧。”
“。。。”
“我真的可以！”
“不如。。。我们试试看交往好吗？”
就这样，男孩和女孩，不管世俗的眼光，走在了一起。
对女孩而言，那可能是她生命中最美的四个月。
天天见面，好似永远都不会感到腻烦。
小小的世界，就属于两个人。小小的地方，似乎永远都不会厌倦。
但是，
如果世界真得那么简单就好了。
两人因为别人的眼光，吵了几次。
那一天，
他发了一则简讯给她，叫她上网差电邮。
两人最不希望发生的事，终究还是发生了。
这一段恋情，还是逃不过世俗的枷锁。
就在即将被揭发时，男孩选着要放弃。
女孩在分手后，没有怪过男孩。那，终究是必然的。
在分手后，女孩却应为一只放不下，而做出一些反常的举动。
本来还有来往的两人，也因为女孩不停的纠缠，而把距离拉得越来越远。
最后，男孩索性，都不理女孩了。。
如果男孩不经意的看到，
女孩想对男孩说
“对不起。
我已经努力的忘记了。假如我不那么执著，今天，或许我们还可能是朋友。在还没忘记前，我想我最好别再传你。。加油！”
=============================================================
以上故事，
纯属虚构，
如有雷同，
纯属不幸。
而越开心的脸孔后隐藏着越不开型的过去？
世界如果简单一点
人若是简单一点。。。
开心就是开心
伤心就是伤心。。。
爱就爱
不爱就不爱。。。
=========================================================
男孩和女孩认识一年多后，才开始发现彼此的存在。
也不知道是什么时候开始，男孩常常约女孩出去。
有时逛街，有时聊天。就算只是坐着面对面没说话，也感觉很自在。
两颗心慢慢的靠近，不知不觉地。
不晓得是默契，还是巧合，或者是害怕对方的反应，都把自己的心意，很好的隐藏起来。
一天，男孩反常得提早送女孩回家。
女孩不解，以为自己说错了什么，还是做了什么让他怀疑自己对他有感情，不知所措。
电话中的女孩，心不在焉。
但女孩终于鼓起勇气，向表白时，男孩对她说：
“其实，我喜欢你”
在女孩还来不及高兴时，他接着说
“但是我不能接受我们在一起会带来的一样眼光。这一步，我想我很难跨出。”
“我并不想逼你做你不想做的事。我只想说，我也喜欢你。就这么简单。”
“那，我们就顺其自然吧？”
“我们能不能收回昨天说的话？一切似乎那么不自然。。。”
“对我而言，收不收回，都一样自然。如果你真的不习惯，说收回会令你好过一点，那么我们就收回昨天的话吧。”
“。。。”
“我真的可以！”
“不如。。。我们试试看交往好吗？”
就这样，男孩和女孩，不管世俗的眼光，走在了一起。
对女孩而言，那可能是她生命中最美的四个月。
天天见面，好似永远都不会感到腻烦。
小小的世界，就属于两个人。小小的地方，似乎永远都不会厌倦。
但是，
如果世界真得那么简单就好了。
两人因为别人的眼光，吵了几次。
那一天，
他发了一则简讯给她，叫她上网差电邮。
两人最不希望发生的事，终究还是发生了。
这一段恋情，还是逃不过世俗的枷锁。
就在即将被揭发时，男孩选着要放弃。
女孩在分手后，没有怪过男孩。那，终究是必然的。
在分手后，女孩却应为一只放不下，而做出一些反常的举动。
本来还有来往的两人，也因为女孩不停的纠缠，而把距离拉得越来越远。
最后，男孩索性，都不理女孩了。。
如果男孩不经意的看到，
女孩想对男孩说
“对不起。
我已经努力的忘记了。假如我不那么执著，今天，或许我们还可能是朋友。在还没忘记前，我想我最好别再传你。。加油！”
=============================================================
以上故事，
纯属虚构，
如有雷同，
纯属不幸。
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Lady : Why do you like me..? Why do you love me?
Man : I can't tell the reason.. but I really like you..
Lady : You can't even tell me the reason... how can you say you like me? How can you say you love me?
Man : I really don't know the reason, but I can prove that I love you.
Lady : Proof? No! I want you to tell me the reason. My friend's boyfriend can tell her why he loves her but not you!
Man : Ok..ok!!! Erm...because you are beautiful,because your voice is sweet,because you are caring,because you are loving,because you are thoughtful,because of your smile,because of your every movements.
The lady felt very satisfied with the man's answer. Unfortunately, a few days later, the Lady met with an accident and became comma.
The Guy then placed a letter by her side, and here is the content:
Darling,Because of your sweet voice that I love you...Now can you talk? No!Therefore I cannot love you.
Because of your care and concern that I like you.. Now that you cannot show them, therefore I cannot love you.
Because of your smile, because of your every movements that I love you..Now can you smile? Now can you move?No, therefore I cannot love you...
If love needs a reason, like now, there is no reason for me to love you anymore.Does love need a reason?
NO!
Therefore, I still love you...And love doesn't need a reason"
Copied from jie's blog. Nice entry. Faith, sincerity - rare commodity in this 'broken down world'. I've found them. Found them in some good friends.
Well, i cant really say i'm going thru difficult times now. Because i'm only 'asking for it'. I was the one going around looking for trouble, it just turned out that i wasn't able to handle them as well as i thought i could.
I'm sick again. Really good timing. Right between the rejectiong and the thailand trip. I have another day to recover. before feeling like shit when i go thailand.
Some weird person jus frenster msg me to lend her biz law books. I've only bought bash ticket from her once. Now i might have to meet her tml evening, go all the way back to clementi to law library to borrow books from law lib. Sometimes i wonder why am i willing to go to such extent for passersby, whom i know i will never talk to again. *raise eyebrows*. Anyway, before your imagination runs wild, its a she.
Been surfing sabasketeers' blogs, those that i could find. there's even one started by them, dedicated to all sabasketeers. Its sweet. They remind me of the days when friendship was the most impt thing in the world, and all else are things i can worry about later, like studies, future, family. The part of my life when i always thought time will be there waiting for me (not literally). Love, belonging, identity was what i seek. The search wasn't too successful, but time has come to move on to something else. The 'future path' that has some how taken shape, trying my best to stay on track. My family that has always been with me. I've learn to let go of certain things, and the more you do it, the better you are at it.
I guess i learn that although frens are impt, there are bound to be people who walk in and out of ur life. They are people whom u learn a great deal from, but you know both of you will move on to other things. Your paths have crossed for once and then, you move on. Perhaps a little heartless, but i'll simply walk away.
But that doesn't mean i do it to everyone that comes into my life. There are this group of special people, who'd stop for you when you fall. Similarly, you'll stop for them whenever they're in trouble. Anything at all, even exams, work can wait. There's mutual understanding that whatever, whenever, that you guys will try to be there for each other.
Ever played the game of Angel and Mortal in secondary schooL? i haven. A mortal will have an angel writing to him/her. The angel, in turn, is a mortal with another angel taking care of him/her.
I have a group of special angels assigned to me.
I haven really been a good angel to anyone, working hard...
Usually, i'd run to people when i'm down and out. Seldom are there people running to me when they're down. I guess its failure on my part. *bitter smile*
Mayb my source of misery is being too caught up with myself..
Cheers
Man : I can't tell the reason.. but I really like you..
Lady : You can't even tell me the reason... how can you say you like me? How can you say you love me?
Man : I really don't know the reason, but I can prove that I love you.
Lady : Proof? No! I want you to tell me the reason. My friend's boyfriend can tell her why he loves her but not you!
Man : Ok..ok!!! Erm...because you are beautiful,because your voice is sweet,because you are caring,because you are loving,because you are thoughtful,because of your smile,because of your every movements.
The lady felt very satisfied with the man's answer. Unfortunately, a few days later, the Lady met with an accident and became comma.
The Guy then placed a letter by her side, and here is the content:
Darling,Because of your sweet voice that I love you...Now can you talk? No!Therefore I cannot love you.
Because of your care and concern that I like you.. Now that you cannot show them, therefore I cannot love you.
Because of your smile, because of your every movements that I love you..Now can you smile? Now can you move?No, therefore I cannot love you...
If love needs a reason, like now, there is no reason for me to love you anymore.Does love need a reason?
NO!
Therefore, I still love you...And love doesn't need a reason"
Copied from jie's blog. Nice entry. Faith, sincerity - rare commodity in this 'broken down world'. I've found them. Found them in some good friends.
Well, i cant really say i'm going thru difficult times now. Because i'm only 'asking for it'. I was the one going around looking for trouble, it just turned out that i wasn't able to handle them as well as i thought i could.
I'm sick again. Really good timing. Right between the rejectiong and the thailand trip. I have another day to recover. before feeling like shit when i go thailand.
Some weird person jus frenster msg me to lend her biz law books. I've only bought bash ticket from her once. Now i might have to meet her tml evening, go all the way back to clementi to law library to borrow books from law lib. Sometimes i wonder why am i willing to go to such extent for passersby, whom i know i will never talk to again. *raise eyebrows*. Anyway, before your imagination runs wild, its a she.
Been surfing sabasketeers' blogs, those that i could find. there's even one started by them, dedicated to all sabasketeers. Its sweet. They remind me of the days when friendship was the most impt thing in the world, and all else are things i can worry about later, like studies, future, family. The part of my life when i always thought time will be there waiting for me (not literally). Love, belonging, identity was what i seek. The search wasn't too successful, but time has come to move on to something else. The 'future path' that has some how taken shape, trying my best to stay on track. My family that has always been with me. I've learn to let go of certain things, and the more you do it, the better you are at it.
I guess i learn that although frens are impt, there are bound to be people who walk in and out of ur life. They are people whom u learn a great deal from, but you know both of you will move on to other things. Your paths have crossed for once and then, you move on. Perhaps a little heartless, but i'll simply walk away.
But that doesn't mean i do it to everyone that comes into my life. There are this group of special people, who'd stop for you when you fall. Similarly, you'll stop for them whenever they're in trouble. Anything at all, even exams, work can wait. There's mutual understanding that whatever, whenever, that you guys will try to be there for each other.
Ever played the game of Angel and Mortal in secondary schooL? i haven. A mortal will have an angel writing to him/her. The angel, in turn, is a mortal with another angel taking care of him/her.
I have a group of special angels assigned to me.
I haven really been a good angel to anyone, working hard...
Usually, i'd run to people when i'm down and out. Seldom are there people running to me when they're down. I guess its failure on my part. *bitter smile*
Mayb my source of misery is being too caught up with myself..
Cheers
Sunday, May 15, 2005
"that's cheating yourself. It is like you don't wanna be late, so you purposely tune ur watch to an earlier time. But you already know the trick already."
the best piece of advice i've received for the weeks.
sighz.
things that people do to deceive themselves. Knowing very well the truth but still go into things blind.
Does that make people happier?
to walk into something knowing at the end of it, you'll feel miserable. But you just dun care for the sake of the two hours of happiness?
din they say live for the moment?
well, perhaps not in this context. When your happiness is build upon someone else's misery..
argh. i donnoe wat i wanna say anymore.
SUckz
wr
the best piece of advice i've received for the weeks.
sighz.
things that people do to deceive themselves. Knowing very well the truth but still go into things blind.
Does that make people happier?
to walk into something knowing at the end of it, you'll feel miserable. But you just dun care for the sake of the two hours of happiness?
din they say live for the moment?
well, perhaps not in this context. When your happiness is build upon someone else's misery..
argh. i donnoe wat i wanna say anymore.
SUckz
wr
Friday, May 13, 2005
I desperately need to let this out of my system.
Some idiots commented that the mass emailing are too long and they don't hav the time to read through, or at the sight of such long emails, simply ignore them.
I had half the mind of replying if they really think that the length of the emails turn them off, den forget about the whole alumni thing. If convenience is what they are looking for, then there is a high chance that they won't be much a contribution right? i mean most of the time we will have to go out of our way to do certain stuff. If the length of the email is your main concern, is your limit of how much time you're willing to spend on this, then i cannot seem to find any reason for your presence in the mailing list.
anyhow,
the bigger question is:
why am i so pissed off?
man, i really don't know.
hahahah
Cheers
wr
Some idiots commented that the mass emailing are too long and they don't hav the time to read through, or at the sight of such long emails, simply ignore them.
I had half the mind of replying if they really think that the length of the emails turn them off, den forget about the whole alumni thing. If convenience is what they are looking for, then there is a high chance that they won't be much a contribution right? i mean most of the time we will have to go out of our way to do certain stuff. If the length of the email is your main concern, is your limit of how much time you're willing to spend on this, then i cannot seem to find any reason for your presence in the mailing list.
anyhow,
the bigger question is:
why am i so pissed off?
man, i really don't know.
hahahah
Cheers
wr
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Random gibberish after exams
jus had a little discussion with a fren over my emails to the yj alumni group - according to him, it looked like a desperate shout out for help.
On my part, i feel that i've done all i can, within my power and limit to help the alumni. Thou it is jus mass emailing the people, i dun think an alumni member ought to be running ard de school trying to put things together, should i? Not to mention i'm not too welcome in school nowadays.
Just the other day when i went back, i was stopped by the security guard (door bitch) and i had to specify who i was visiting in the school before i was allow to even fill up the form for a temp pass (sticker). i highly doubt it is done for the security of the students, when you can call the student out to the front gate if you really needed to talk to the student. I was wondering to myself, does it mean i can only see the teacher whose name i've wrote? and If i wanted to see other teachers, do i have to list all of them down? Now if i wasn't in the office but in the canteen talking to the stall holders, will i get boot out of the school?
Perhaps all that are jus angry thoughts. As an alumni, I felt excluded. All the talk about needing the cooperation, the resources of the alumni is merely a nicer way of telling us, 'hey we need some donations from the alumni'. The graduated students mean nothing to the school except as cashcows to be made used of. it was a clear msg - you guys are jus to provide your services and help, you are not to come and go as and when you like. i feel so welcomed by the school. So much for trying to change the image of the school.
As for the mailing list, i've received two very nice replies from two very senior seniors, who graduated donkey years ago. Two very encouraging emails that volunteered their service to put together a gathering somewhere in june or july. I'm not afraid to admit that i'm on the verge of quiting this whole alumni thing. I guess unless i'm taking home a fat income of $10,000 a month as a well-known lawyer, my words might never carry weight in that place. And it is a very discouraging thought, discouraging but real. No doubt cruel but at the end of the day, it is how the world works. We can disagree with it, but forced to comply with it.
i'm suffering from an illness known widely as 'growing up'. Manifestation of a more fatal disease called 'life'.
cheers
jus had a little discussion with a fren over my emails to the yj alumni group - according to him, it looked like a desperate shout out for help.
On my part, i feel that i've done all i can, within my power and limit to help the alumni. Thou it is jus mass emailing the people, i dun think an alumni member ought to be running ard de school trying to put things together, should i? Not to mention i'm not too welcome in school nowadays.
Just the other day when i went back, i was stopped by the security guard (door bitch) and i had to specify who i was visiting in the school before i was allow to even fill up the form for a temp pass (sticker). i highly doubt it is done for the security of the students, when you can call the student out to the front gate if you really needed to talk to the student. I was wondering to myself, does it mean i can only see the teacher whose name i've wrote? and If i wanted to see other teachers, do i have to list all of them down? Now if i wasn't in the office but in the canteen talking to the stall holders, will i get boot out of the school?
Perhaps all that are jus angry thoughts. As an alumni, I felt excluded. All the talk about needing the cooperation, the resources of the alumni is merely a nicer way of telling us, 'hey we need some donations from the alumni'. The graduated students mean nothing to the school except as cashcows to be made used of. it was a clear msg - you guys are jus to provide your services and help, you are not to come and go as and when you like. i feel so welcomed by the school. So much for trying to change the image of the school.
As for the mailing list, i've received two very nice replies from two very senior seniors, who graduated donkey years ago. Two very encouraging emails that volunteered their service to put together a gathering somewhere in june or july. I'm not afraid to admit that i'm on the verge of quiting this whole alumni thing. I guess unless i'm taking home a fat income of $10,000 a month as a well-known lawyer, my words might never carry weight in that place. And it is a very discouraging thought, discouraging but real. No doubt cruel but at the end of the day, it is how the world works. We can disagree with it, but forced to comply with it.
i'm suffering from an illness known widely as 'growing up'. Manifestation of a more fatal disease called 'life'.
cheers
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
i tried to sleep at 12... tired as i was, i woke up at 250am..
throughout that 'sleep', my mind kept repeating the contract questions i did this afternoon. Trying in everyway to attempt at the questions again..
befor you guys think i'm a nerd who go to sleep thinking about contract exam questions after my papers while i sleep.. i'm not.
Difficult as it may be, if i knew i had put in all my effort, i wouldn't be feeling so bad now..
i just knew i haven tried as hard as i should have...
the kind of panic i felt during the paper today, was something that i've always feared.. Sitting there, in a blank, having no idea what to write. I always tot that was something you'll feel for essay papers that you have to memorise tons of stuff... Today's paper was open book essay.. i had all my notes that i prepared over the past week in front of me..
Not only was i at a lost to what to write, halfway through my discussion, i realised i was writing the wrong things. after a while, i decided what i've writtne was the wrong issue. and it was jus too late to change..
argh...
it's not a very good feeling..
and as all of you can see, my brain is half dead, i have no idea what i'm writing now..
BUT I CANNOT SLEEP!
Hell..
i'm pretty sure i'm not so excited over my holidays that i cant sleep...
This may sound abit sadistic, I have half the mind of punishing myself so that i can feel better. Like when i was young, if i din do well in sch, sometimes i would get punishment.. I thought feeling miserable during the holidays can make up for it.. but it isn't very constructive. I guess i'll have to be abit more creative than tat..
maybe copying ansons?
hahah..
I guess i'll jus have to let it go and sleep today first.. before we can talk about anything at all.
This is a bad start to the 3 mths holidays..
throughout that 'sleep', my mind kept repeating the contract questions i did this afternoon. Trying in everyway to attempt at the questions again..
befor you guys think i'm a nerd who go to sleep thinking about contract exam questions after my papers while i sleep.. i'm not.
Difficult as it may be, if i knew i had put in all my effort, i wouldn't be feeling so bad now..
i just knew i haven tried as hard as i should have...
the kind of panic i felt during the paper today, was something that i've always feared.. Sitting there, in a blank, having no idea what to write. I always tot that was something you'll feel for essay papers that you have to memorise tons of stuff... Today's paper was open book essay.. i had all my notes that i prepared over the past week in front of me..
Not only was i at a lost to what to write, halfway through my discussion, i realised i was writing the wrong things. after a while, i decided what i've writtne was the wrong issue. and it was jus too late to change..
argh...
it's not a very good feeling..
and as all of you can see, my brain is half dead, i have no idea what i'm writing now..
BUT I CANNOT SLEEP!
Hell..
i'm pretty sure i'm not so excited over my holidays that i cant sleep...
This may sound abit sadistic, I have half the mind of punishing myself so that i can feel better. Like when i was young, if i din do well in sch, sometimes i would get punishment.. I thought feeling miserable during the holidays can make up for it.. but it isn't very constructive. I guess i'll have to be abit more creative than tat..
maybe copying ansons?
hahah..
I guess i'll jus have to let it go and sleep today first.. before we can talk about anything at all.
This is a bad start to the 3 mths holidays..
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