Been really busy with all the preparation. Glad that we have managed ourselves pretty well thus far, no major disagreements. Trying to pace myself/ourselves as this is only the beginning of the preparation.

I am afraid of expectations, my own or others, especially my own. If possible, I'd rather have none and just keep working at the project. I don't think that it is because I do not care, it is because if I care too much, the matter will be more difficult to manage. So set expectations aside and do it as much as I can :p Then you can go with the flow, enjoy the ideas that come along and just add it in. Be Spontaneous and Awesome!

Being an adult is really not easy. So we all have to protect and safeguard our sense of humour, our easy-going-ness. Being adult does not mean being insufferable, anal, demanding. You can be serious, complete your task and still be easy going. Just get the blardy thing done right?

I really treasure my own time now, my own space, my little me-time. Not complaining about not having enough, I know there are times when I need to sacrifice my me-time. Just that, I need this downtime to reflect, check internally on how I am doing, what is it that I'm doing right and needs improvement on. There are pockets of time in the day to do so, but I really would like to have a good block of time to myself each week..

Prioritise. Prioritise my work, my time, my friends. Everything is about priority.

慢慢的，我们都学会分辨，知道忙碌，到底是为了什么。在过程中，慢慢的长大，成熟。
在这的当儿，记得身边陪伴你的人，陪着你欢笑，沮丧，安慰着你得人。
人生，是一个过程。记得享受这个过程。

專輯：
是時候(It's time)

歌名：
愚人的國度

作詞︰孫燕姿/李焯雄
作曲︰李偲菘

愛是愚人的國度 看我們演的好辛苦
是你所謂的領悟 我不懂我不哭
看悲歡喜怒每一步
是疲憊還是依賴的束縛
愛你能不能再重複 讓我懂讓我哭
再讓時間停住 把自己看清楚
不必再說假如 我穿過一地荒蕪
幸福不能碰觸
愛是愚人的國度 不能自拔不懂退出
我們都回不去最初
曾美麗但還是不滿足
愛是自愚愚人演出 答案清楚才能謝幕
劇情 是笑 是哭

愛是愚人的國度 看我們演的好辛苦
是你所謂的領悟 我不懂我不哭
看悲歡喜怒每一步
是疲憊還是依賴的束縛
來你能不能再重複 讓我懂讓我哭
再讓時間停住 把自己看清楚
不必再說假如 我穿過一地荒蕪
幸福不能碰觸
愛是愚人的國度 不能自拔不懂退出
我們都回不去最初 曾美麗但還是不滿足
愛是自愚愚人演出 答案清楚才能謝幕
劇情 是笑 是哭
(愛是愚人的國度 不能自拔不懂退出)
我們都回不去最初 怎麼愛還是不滿足
愛是自愚愚人演出 答案清楚才能謝幕
結局 是笑 是哭

Don't know why.

Everything is relative, even friendship. Sometimes when some people has already written you off, no matter how hard you try, it is difficult to gain back anything, the trust, the relationship, the understanding. Mayb the question is why were you written off in the first place, mayb the question is how did you try to win it back. But no matter what the question is, some things, it just cant be forced. No matter how valid your reasons are for neglecting whatever relationship there is, it will merely be an excuse for the recipient.

Who would want to be left behind? The feeling of being left behind is not and will never be good. The feeling that your friends are far better and has left for greener pastures and are only now turning back as a sign of sympathy cant be good.

Is it merely pride? Is it only an issue of face? Is he/she just trying to get back at you?

Does it matter at this point in time?

Sometimes, I just want to write these off as "if you know me, you will stick by me." It is a rather selfish way of thinking, very self-centered, expecting every one to understand me, instead of putting myself in their shoes. But it is also a kind of self-assurance, quiet confidence in my friends that they are rational enough, they know me enough, they trust me enough to know that I will not leave them behind.

At my end, I know that if this friend were to be in trouble, I have no qualms to help. No matter how much grudges he may hold against me. Actually, I should wish that misfortune will never fall upon him and perhaps, our friendship may just be like two parallel lines, never to touch upon each other again. If that is so, may peace and serenity be with him and his family.

That said, I realised I am becoming slower and slower in my reaction to news... I tend to take a long time to process some shocking news, it is as if my nervous system has been affected badly by drugs usage or something. I blame it on the flu medication I took last night :p

Unable to digest news and offer proper reaction, words. I wonder why is that so. Everything seem so "just the way it is"? I am lacking compassion, lacking feeling, lacking words of expression...
Does this make me a cold person? I doubt so, just a little bit slower.
This just makes me a person who is less able to express herself. I think I am just more careful with my words now and being a person who is usually not so careful, I am not able to process the "right words" so quickly.

Mayb I just have too much time in my hands now.

What do I want with my life?

I am but human.

Subjected to feelings, ill-thoughts, bad habits. I am afraid that such things will consume me.

I know I am not idealistic. I know the world is unfair. So why is it that when unjust is around, I feel affected? It is not for me to judge what is happening.

I feel helpless. I feel disappointed in the system. I should be able to do more, yet I didnt.

These days, I have been rather disappointed in myself too. The work, the attitude. Is this disappointment or simply discontentment? with my life? Why?

Need to find my equilibrium once more. :)

There is still a long long way to go! Jia You!

The day wasn't exactly smooth. Plus I can foresee a difficult period ahead for the next few months.

It is so easy to walk away from the situation, to find my ticket out of difficulties. Yet this time, I want to see myself through this. Perhaps the factors to determine whether I go and stay still lean on the staying side, or perhaps I have so much other commitments that I have to stay.

As someone recently told me, if I had to leave each time times get tough in office, I probably cannot stay at any job for long..

Let's take realistic baby steps in every thing we do this 2011!

从来就不认为钻牛角尖是一种美德，特别是都市人。太过敏感或感情用事都是种累赘。

可能又是时候坐下自我检讨了。

温

I need and enjoy my "Me Time".
A little bit of quality time to myself. Nothing much, nothing too deep, just some time to enjoy my music without people.

My down time.

Seems like the down time is longer lately, I wonder if it is dependent on the weather/time of the year. Perhaps my ability to process information is so slow now that I need time by myself to digest what has taken place in the morning.

:S

This December, have you taken some time to think about 2010 and how it mattered to you?

Sitting here on a Sunday morning with my coffee - faced with the last week of 2010.

Well, if i were to evaluate my life according to the $ in my bank account, how far I have progressed in my work, whether I have taken another step to set up my own family, I guess I should be disappointed with myself.

But personally, I do not subscribe to those benchmarks, although they do affect me sometimes. There is also nothing wrong with evaluating oneself with those benchmarks, since they are the most quantitative ones that allow people to compare themselves across industry. However, my evaluation stems from assessment of myself, how I have progress as a person, how I have expand my horizon, how I have fared in my different positions in life instead of an assessment to compare, I choose to assess myself to gain awareness, insight to the person that I am or am becoming. This may not be everyone's objective, so the difference in benchmark.

Looking back at 2010, like all other years, it has its good and bad. In terms of work, I think I have progressed at a slower rate than last year, definitely. I sometimes worry at how I may become too comfortable with my current job that I will lose my "marketability" in the future. But I realised that is a question that only I can answer, my choice of what is it I want in life.

Family wise, at this year end, I am proud to tell myself, I have tried hard enough at my family relations. I am so glad for my little niece, who brightens up my day just by being her. I am so grateful for my sisters, who are so perfect in their own little ways. I think I really have to work harder with my parents, to allow them to work lesser, enjoy their days more :)

I haven't been a very good friend to many people and I hope that I have been ok for some. I need to judge less and be more open minded - been trying to tell myself this for the longest time. But sometimes, it is just too much work to maintain some friendship. Perhaps that's why most of my friends have a certain characteristic across the board. LOL!

As for relationship wise, I think I have made some progressed in terms of my mindset about a relationship. I probably need work harder on it and more learning has to be done for this aspect of my life.

All in all, I am contented with 2010. I traveled to Taiwan, Australia, Malaysia (KL, Langkawi, Ipoh, Kota Kinabalu), Philippines. Represented the Uni as Negotiation Coach in Australia, climbed KK, personal best in my 10km run, finished my first 21km, have my first business venture, drove myself and family to places, organised my first family gathering for mommy's birthday.

This Christmas, I am contented and at peace with myself.

Wishing any one reading this to be able to find peace with yourself and a great 2011 ahead.

Love,
WR

Olivia Ong : You and Me

Taking a trip down memory lane
Things have changed One thing remains
That they will always have each other
And even though those days have gone
They know here is where they belong
There's some kinda magic in the air

Feel the warmth
That only summer breezes can bring
Sweet little notes of spring begin
Nothing to fear

Taking one step at a time
Walking hand in hand
1 2 3 4
Cheek to cheek
And they're learning How to do that dance
Let this love be forever more they say
I wish for this, to be true for you and me

Holding her close he leading the way
Out at the park Enjoying the Day
And you can tell they'll be ok
Feel the warmth
That only summer breezes can bring
Sweet little notes of spring begin
Nothing to fear

Taking one step at a time
Walking hand in hand
1 2 3 4
Cheek to cheek
And they're learning How to do that dance
Let this love be forever more they say
I wish for this, to be true for you and me

Taking one step at a time
Walking hand in hand
1 2 3 4
Cheek to cheek
And they're learning How to do that dance
Let this love be forever more they say
I wish for this, to be true for you and me
To be true for you and me
To be true for you and me
You and me
You and me

Olivia Ong 我願意

梦一场 - Olivia Ong

Just came back from Langkawi. Didnt realise I took such a beautiful picture until I was transferring these photographs to the desktop.

Somehow, some things simply cannot be explained.

Good night! It is going to be a long day tomorrow!!

Amazing song, great movie ;) Makes you want to be part of greatness!! Awesomeness!!!

Enjoy!

He is damn freaking good! Only heard one of his songs in the past, how much have I missed :)

Enjoy!

Came home in time to see the sunset today!!

Beautiful sunset :) How long has it been since you slow down and take some time to savour a peaceful and beautiful moment like this. Wish anyone who is reading this to have some time to yourself everyday, no matter where you are and what you be doing :)

Cheers!

">









I'm going to sing Karaoke with my friends tomorrow!! So eggcited that I was going through all the OLD school songs that I used to sing. Listening to all these songs and reminiscing the emotions that used to engulf me when I sang them in the past.

Wow.

It has been a while haven't it?

:)

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Magic Power - 我是谁 我是谁 我是谁

作词：廷廷 (Magic Power)
作曲：廷廷 (Magic Power)



我是谁 你是否常常这样问自己
我是谁 总是活在别人的期望里
我是谁 是谁又擅自帮你定义了
你是谁 只有不是自己才安全

为什麽 你以为这个世界很美丽
为什麽 你爱这个世界胜过爱自己
为什麽 这个世界不给你平等待遇
为什麽 到底做错了什麽

朋友都说你太 太 太奇怪
在背後把你当成笑 笑 笑话看
每一个动作都被瞎猜
他们说你是个不能容忍的存在
你想要的很 很 很简单
不过就是最普通的 的 的平凡
诚实做自己有时候很难
但是请你勇敢的试一次看看

无论他们又说什麽 闲言闲语无法伤害我
世界上只有一个我 没人能代替的我
无论他们又做什麽 小动作无法打败我
我知道自己是最美丽的
The most beautiful

会不会 上帝把你的灵魂放错了身体
会不会 是故意整你不是不小心
会不会 你常常都觉得力不从心
会不会 坚持要做自己太危险

凭什麽 难道比较特别就是不对
凭什麽 先下了注解在认识之前
凭什麽 只不过想认真的活一遍
凭什麽 随便就把人定罪

朋友都说你太 太 太奇怪
在背後把你当成笑 笑 笑话看
每一个动作都被瞎猜
他们说你是个不能容忍的存在
你想要的很 很 很简单
不过就是最普通的 的 的平凡
诚实做自己有时候很难
但是请你勇敢的试一次看看

无论他们又说什麽 闲言闲语无法伤害我
世界上只有一个我 没人能代替的我
无论他们又做什麽 小动作无法打败我
我知道自己是最美丽的
The most beautiful

无论他们又说什麽 闲言闲语无法伤害我
世界上只有一个我 没人能代替的我
无论他们又做什麽 小动作无法打败我
我知道自己是最美丽的
The most beautiful
无论他们又说什麽 闲言闲语无法伤害我
我是谁 这个问题困扰你多少天多少夜
我是谁 谁有资格决定你怎样才是对
世界上只有一个我 没人能代替的我
我是谁 我是谁我是谁
我就是我你就是你
认真做自己的人最美丽
无论他们又做什麽 小动作无法打败我
我是谁 这个问题困扰你多少天多少夜
我是谁 谁有资格决定你怎样才是对
我知道自己是最美丽的
我是谁 我是谁我是谁
我就是我你就是你
认真做自己的人最美丽

happiness

Try to simplify everything and see them fall into place :)

I've moved firm. After much thoughts and various conversations with some of the more impt people in my life, some of whom supported the decision, some of whom opposed and there were those who left the decision very much to me, I have moved to a much larger firm. Telling myself that if I had to work hard at something which I dislike, I might as well work for more money.

After two months here, I will say that things are not necessarily better. At the risk of sounding like a contradicting spoilt brat of the generation Y, there is too much free time. Part of the reason is because I was not trained in this area of work in my first year, hence I am pretty much picking up things along the way and therefore the slower pace. That aside, there is a very clear line drawn between the associates and the staffs. No doubt the scene is cordial, but at the same time, there is some distance between the two groups. And most importantly, there is tension between different teams due to the overflowing work load.

I have been questioning my choice for a while after I have started, asking myself whether I have made the wrong decision? Would this be a dead end for me, to be stuck doing conveyancing for the rest of my career, being the bottom scrapper as they have stereotyped the conveyancing lawyers to me. Will I end up not learning or doing as much as my peers in the future as my ex-boss told me?

Frankly, until now I do not have the answers to these questions. However, I know that I have requested to be specialised, to learn the foundation, to learn how to be patient. Being anxious about doing something "big", "important" isn't going to help at this moment.

I just have to remind myself of the goals at the end, what I want to do, what I would like to move on to, etc. Although the goals or what I wanna do might change as time goes by, I have to keep the big picture in mind. Be focus at my current position, make it comfortable and wait for opportunities to come knocking on my door...

Moreover, I am pretty happy with my current life. Good balance between work and life. A little idealistic I know, but I will enjoy it while it lasts.

That's that for my career or rather my job..

Till next time :)

Seems like everyone in the firm is thinking about quitting. I wonder if it is because of the firm, or the people or both?

I suppose different people are unhappy with different things, different people are able to take different level of stress. Some people have tolerated things longer than others, some leaving with an option, some leaving without any other job security...

There probably isn't an explanation for all these, and the answer to my problems probably isn't here either. But I am beginning to call the question my philosophy/principles at work. I am beginning to wonder is being hardworking all that is necessary. I'm even questioning whether I should be doing what I am.

I am constantly telling myself that I am learning, I should try to learn as much as possible, do as much as possible. But things have been backfiring on me. Be it my own carelessness or anybody else's. I am seriously questioning whether I belong to a firm of this size to begin with. I am beginning to question my basic capabilities to connect to people, to liaise with people, to do simple administrative work. I am starting to ask what is it actually I want to do?

Am I trying to escape my problems at work? I am not sure. Would I be happier working elsewhere or doing something else? Seriously, I have no idea. I could probably have caught the "I'm whining about nothing" syndrome.

Is it so soon that I have to re-assess my choices? Or should I wait it out further?
Can I wait it out further? Would it be considered giving up?

sigh.

mental note to self: when some one tells you that "You won't understand", more likely than not, you will not understand his/her situation completely. So just accept it graciously and acknowledge the fact that you are not all knowing/knowledgeable and listen to what the other party has to say.

I know that I have always made this mistake when some one wishes to talk about their difficulties with me. I think I am the sort who jumps to conclusion to quickly: You are too emotional, you are too indecisive, you do not know what to do with your life, etc etc. But isn't that usually how pple feel when they are lost in the first place. Even if they knew they are indecisive or emotional, what good will it do to point it out to them at that time?

Especially towards people who find it difficult to share their feelings in the first place, my "know it all" tone/attitude will actually scare them back into their shell, comfort zone, pretending everything is okie.

It doesn't help that I like to share my experience. To me, sharing about a similar experience that I have gone through, lets that person know that I am on his/her side. That I know how it feels like. However, to most of the people, they don't want to hear about me and my stories. They are there to share their stories, their experience, their dilemma. My sharing becomes "stealing of the lime light" or some sort. Those who are better friends retreat into their listening friend mode while those are less understanding think I am an arrogant and selfish basta*d (which is probably true to some extent).

Tonight is not that night that I feel ashamed of myself. I have come to realise something about myself that is not entirely good for myself (if I wanna keep my friends) or my closed ones. I would like to do better :) I would like to be a better person, if not in other aspects, the least I can do is be a more approachable friend.

Of course there will definitely be times when I continue be a self absorbed as*, but probably to those whom I cannot be bothered to find it within me to be the bigger person :)

Ahhh.. The power of self-awareness and autonomy :)

the morning of father's day (actually the afternoon, cos i woke up pretty late), my Dad peeled mangosteen for me :) I came out of the shower, and he simply told me to sit down at the dining table while he peeled the purple fruit for me :) :) :)

Having heard how people around me have less than perfect relationship with their fathers, I am really grateful, on this day, for my daddy :) He has his flaws, definitely, but he dotes on me undoubtedly.

I guess I am really glad that I didn't sneak out yesterday and cause every one to worry :) It will probably be something that I feel bad for for a good long while, but it is better than having to regret for the rest of my life if something had happened.

I know I have to be resting, to stay at home and sit around, take my meds. But I am only asking to attend half of my good friend's wedding dinner tonight, is that too much? I won't be eating any thing, I won't be moving around unnecessarily. I will take care of myself when I'm there.

ARGH. I am so frustrated. It is not as if I want to go out to have fun and neglecting my body. I really want to be there to witness my friend's wedding. How can all of you just shut me up like that? Forcing me to stay at home?

Now all I can do is sit at home and blog about it. It has been a long long while since I have to ask pple for permission to go out. and the rejection is utmost annoying.

Halfway through my second doze of laxative (actually, just a mouth of it) and I am toying with the idea of throwing all of it away. Absolutely disgusting trying to down it and not to mention the after-effects of it.

As much as I would like to be cool about the whole thing, telling others that there is no need to visit me, that it is a small procedure, I am actually afraid of it. I have no idea what to expect of it, the entire experience is new and I am glad my dear boy will be taking a day off just to be beside my bed when I wake up.

I'm sure it is not going to look pretty like in the movies. I am going to feel groggy, thirsty, look like crap and be in pain (and probably be a pain). Am trying hard not to think about it and just take a step at a time. What's got to be done, will have to be done.

At the same time, I am going to miss out on all the action of a good friend's wedding, while the entire gang goes gaga over the big occasion. I might even have to miss the wedding dinner and the stay in 1degree15, the staycation with the gang and their families :( The entire idea of missing the whole thing just makes me feel really disappointed, like a little girl being trapped at home because of the rain! Boo!@

That little girl aside, I hope everything goes smoothly tomorrow and I should be back by Friday! If any thing should happen to me, I hope the banks waive all my debts to them... ;p

WR

The Climb - Miley Cyrus
I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I,
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah)

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb (yeah yeah ea ea)

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Whoa a oh oh

Dedicated to every one and any one - living their life today, making a difference, striving to become stronger, better than yesterday. Keep going!!! :)

Haven't blog here for the longest time... I have finally started on my adulthood for about 3 months.. Started working full time, learning how to sustain on my own, how to stand on my own two feet. Cross roads, split seconds decisions which may actually affect the rest of my life.

So many people, trying to give you so many different advices.. At the same time, not everyone is advising you for your interests.. You never know when some of them have a stake in the entire issue.. Life no longer is one dimension, there are so many perspectives to it.

I was definitely not naive before this. However, having to deal with this day after day can be tiring. It is no longer listening to it on a narrative basis, instead, experiencing it first hand, dealing with it face to face. There is no pause button, and to seek for advice at that moment.

Then again, a wrong choice simply means you have to become wiser the next time; at the same time, a seemingly correct choice doesn't necessarily mean only good consequences flow from it.

It has only been three months. I always thought i belonged to the game, I was told I had the EQ to survive in the real world; the ability to connect with people. Having that alone is not enough. A little distrust can do some good. Some perseverance and determination.. The ability to pretend every thing is fine.

I never thought I am a principled person. but i find it hard to pretend to respect a person whom i've already lost my respect for.

I always thought I am very forgiving.. yet I realised i write people off with just one instance.

Everyday, I'm learning more and more about myself. Just three months, how much have i gathered?

There are so many things that are innate in me. There are so much more that I can learn. I have to tell myself there is no limit to how much i can learn.

Everyday it is a battle. Battle within myself. To do this or that? Is this me? or do I want to become like that? Will this route be the better option? Is it really better for me to change?

Morphing. Transforming. I know I am going through a state of change.

But is stronger necessarily means better? What is better? Better future? More lasting?

It is very easy to get lost out there. Not in terms of sexual morality.. But in terms of principles. Your set of principles is constantly being challenged. Your set of ideas is constantly being compared against others. When do you decide to discard one of yours in exchange for one of the norms? Should you be doing that in the first place?

在外面的花花世界，很容易迷失自己
要记住自己是谁，根本不简单。
要有一定的意志力和自信，
还要对自己的肯定。

Only one with a strong sense of security and assurance can breeze through that concrete jungle unscathed.

Now more than ever, I need constant self-reflection.. Now more than ever, I need to know what I want out of my life.

What better way to sit down and reflect on your life during a chinese new year long weekend?

This new year, there is so much to think about...

WR

WR's statistics for xmas:

SPent 33 hrs in office for 2 days;
Apologised to 8 ppl within 12 hours..

I'm damn frustrated.

:)

But no one will understand right?

Unfortunately, I really need to blog today before starting my work.

The objective of the whole post is to ease my state of upset-ness since last night and to prevent me from telling that culprit off face to face, which might escalate matters.

I/We have stood by the ringside to watch the entire mess unfold before our eyes. Not one time have we stepped in to try to mediate because:

1) Since we do not know any thing, we didn't want to make things worse as u will say that we are taking sides.

2) I personally saw the entire episode as an attention grabbing stunt. (Yes, and i'm actually wasting my time now to provide that space on my blog) and

3) We are in no position to mediate a quarrel between the two of you.

So we have very intentionally left things alone as they were, not wanting to be involved.

When asked why you didn't let us know what happened, I appreciate the same courtesy - to leave us out of the picture. Instead, you went ranting on how bad we are as friends, not allowing you to grow, too protective...

Excuse them for being good friends, or trying to be there for you as friends. (I have never tried being there for you before, pls don't waste my time)

Please forgive them for trying to render you advice which you do not appreciate because they are not things you wish to hear. Have we ONCE force it down your throat? They are not judgmental. I AM. I distant myself from you when you don't listen. THAT IS JUDGMENTAL.

They are the idiots who are always there for you even if you do stupid things, listening to your whining, hoping things will turn out better for you, hoping one day you will GROW UP!

For goodness sake, please don't try to give me that rubbish about having to bump ur head to grow up. WHen you bump ur head, other people have sleepless nights. How do u deal with ur emotional trauma? By imposing more trauma on other people. If you are so hardy, if everyone can trust you for picking urself up, would they even bother to prevent you from falling? PLEASE ASK URSELF THOSE QUESTIONS!

Their advices stem from their concern for your well-being. If you do not appreciate it, fine, but please do make unwarranted comments like we are being over protective.
If we don't care about how u lead ur life, we won't bother.
If we Dont care about how ur life turns out, we wont bother.

This is very disappointing. Throughout our years of knowing each other, time and again you have done something lydat. But this is going to top it all. They've always told me that we have to accept our friends for who they are, accept the good and the bad. I didn't have a come-back to that. Now I do. I can't believe they have taken so much from you over the past years and this is what they get at the end of it all.


I am still not involving myself in the original quarrel. But please think through what you want to say before churning this kind of rubbish out. Don't say things u will regret later just because you are being defensive.

If you ever have the luck to chance upon this, I am not sorry for what I've said. If you had said the same rubbish to my face, this is what I would have said to you in urs.

执著=烦恼

当你对某一件事，一个人，一种感觉有执著，就会去追求。

因为要得到，所以有烦恼。
因为得不到，所以有烦恼。

在追求的过程， 需要处心积虑，需要步步为营，需要勾心斗角，而烦恼，而作出违背良心，违背意愿的事。
在得不到的时候， 生气，沮丧，一蹶不振。然后报复，怪别人，或更努力的去争取。

执著因为‘我’在为‘我’自己奋斗。因为‘我‘需要为自己打算，不可以被别人欺负。因为‘我’要成功，要出人头地。
何谓‘我’？
何谓‘出人头地'?
何谓‘成功’？

有了‘我’，所以自私，所以输不起，所以给不起。

有了‘我’，所以就有相对的‘你’，而当‘我’的习惯与‘你’的有所出入，有不同，‘我们’又执著与自己的习惯，就有烦恼，有争吵，又不愉快。

几时‘我’才会明白，没有‘我’，不要执著，不要烦恼？

Last lap of my PLC, 2 weeks to the exams, I have another 5 modules to cover.

Got to pace myself for this last bit, not going to let my previous efforts go to waste :)

I need to set my priorities straight, now, next year and in the next 5 years. Going into the working world soon, need to seriously weigh the important things in my life.


Cheers,
WR

Ever thought about having a choice about your family members? I'm sure everyone had, at one point in their lives, but how many out there would have chosen otherwise? Who would you have preferred as your family?

I love my family, my grandfather, my aunts and uncles from maternal side. Given a choice, I wouldn't have exchange any one of them for anyone else. They make my life unique, my experiences and shaped my outlook in life. These people are ever giving, supportive and everything you need when you are depressed.

No, I do not have a perfect family. I have my fair share of frustrations with them, sometimes they care too much, sometimes i just do not have time to deal with so many people at home...

But that is family for you. They are people whom you have to go through ups and downs with, they are people whom you cannot choose, you have to live with, can never separate the bond between. You have to find a way to accept them, deal with them and even tolerate them if necessary. That is family.

I'm really grateful that I have a wholesome family. My parents didn't have time for us when we were younger, but because of my materal aunts and uncles, we grew up proper and well. We were lucky. Until today, the intricacies of the family web continues to grow but one principle remains, I will do what I can for the people I love. That is the beauty of these people around me, they use actions to show their love for one another but never ask for any thing in return.

Before any one thinks that this can never happen to them, why can't their parents/relatives/brothers/sisters be like that, that individual need to understand that the basic fundamentals of that is to ask what you can give to your family first. Ask what can you do to better the relationships amongst your immediate family members, to have them in your considerations when you make your decisions. As to whether they reciprocate, it will take time.

Perhaps all these are rosy pictures that I have paint for myself. Maybe you would think that a person like me has never seen the world, never experience what a lousy family member can do to one.

Well, at the end of the day, all I can say is that it is your perspectives, your decisions, your actions that you can control. If you are constantly looking to make someone else to do what you expect him/her to, life is going to tough on you.

Sometimes life makes you experience something over and over again to make sure you learn the lesson :) If that something bad keeps occurring to you, perhaps it is time you learn to do it a different way?

WR

WEAK AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CANNOT MAKE IT. I CAN'T STAND MYSELF. USELESS BUGGER.
I NEED TO SCOLD SOME SENSE INTO MYSELF.

WTF

努力做好自己的本分， 要能够照顾自己 才能去爱别人。
不会照顾自己的人，只会成为别人的负担。
就算是心甘情愿，也不会长久。
要学着独立，才不会在一切消失后，感到无助。
因为没有人有义务在你的身边照顾你一辈子。

这些道理，好久好久以前我曾经有所领悟。。。后来又渐渐的淡忘。。。
越来越依赖，成了一种习惯， 也成了一种理所当然，让你喘不过气， 让这段感情面对不必要的压力。

是时侯长大了。
以后的事，没人说得准。
只希望一切顺其自然，不必去想太多。。 到最后，是你的就是你的。。 如果不是，也没有必要强留。

每个人都追求幸福，何谓幸福？

温

Somethings I realised I have to re-learn them so many times. It is not good enough to just learn it once and get it etched in my head. Perhaps then, the lesson was not learnt through experience.

Life isn't easy. I find myself reverting back to my old self over and over again. The needy and probably insecured person. I'm pretty sure the problem lies with me, because it is only me that I can change.

Also, the procrastinator strikes again! It is 1 month to my exams and I'm still at sea about my work. I think I've taken the procrastination up another level all together.

Family is fine, both parents are sick though, pains here and there. I hope i can do whatever that is within my means to make them happy at this age. Brought them to have sushi on monday in the name of my younger sister's birthday. Cost me quite a bit (relative to my allowance) but I could see my dad was very happy about the whole experience. He is always lamenting how we are all grown up and leaving the home, leaving the two of them. I just hope he understands that even if we are grown up and married off someday, we will still take care of him :)

Actually, Life has been good to me, still. I have food when I'm hungry, I have sufficient money to spend without having to ask from my parents, although still can't afford to give them money. Unless and until I fail my PLC which is not an option, everything else can be taken care of.

Friends. I have a few that i keep in my heart, knowing I care about them. At this stage, i guess there is little to ask without risking like you're probing. Unless they are willing to share their lives with you. I don't call people who are unable to open up to me as superficial friends, some people just can't. Until they feel the need to do it, I know I'll be there :)

Haven't been blogging for a long long long time :)

Life has been pretty good for me, nothing much to complain about. Relative to a lot of people out there, I should feel lucky :) Even though i still whine at times, I know I've got to be grateful for what I have :p

Also partly a reason that I haven't been blogging is the fact that I think I really can't be bothered about those 'big headline news' out there. I used to be really angsty and have an opinion about pretty much everything. Now I still do have my opinions, just don't feel the need to let people know it any more. Though my love ones will beg to differ on this. (they are the honoured ones who get to hear me speak :p)

Adopting a really 'live and let live' approach to the people around me. Seriously, however they want to live their lives and make decision shouldn't affect me :)

A primary school teacher with tattoos, post bikini pictures on the www and get wasted in pubs and clubs - this type of news used to get me blogging a whole lot. Although I still think about it, I stop wanting to tell pple how I feel about it on www.

Probably because I have grown out of the phase, or even the need to tell people i have an opinion. Most importantly, I no longer need to constantly write out what I think and substantiate it just so I know and remember who i am.

Although i like to revisit my blog to remind myself how angsty i used to be :)

Cheers,
WR

Why do we have people on our Msn that we can't even name who that is?

Why do we have 'friends' on facebook, that we haven't talked to in the past year?

baileys makes everything well and fine :D

我是否还是我？

Can you handle?

I haven't reflected on my life for a while now, probably because I do not have a need to write journals for grades now. Another excuse is probably the lack of time. Being in a relationship for me seems to mean that I have lesser time on my own.. It is always a rush to something else, thinking about how to organise my week according to my family, my friends and my boyfriend. Since school has started, it has also been about the next tutorial, rushing for the next deadline and what not. When they all come together, it just seems like I don't have space to breathe and time for any thing else, especially myself.

I believe in self-reflection. Because only when you reflect about your actions, your present stage in life, your choices, your beliefs - only then you will understand yourself more, thus allowing the people around you to understand you better. Only when you know what you have, will you understand what you want to achieve. Then there can be goals and room for improvement. Only then will you have a big picture in mind to work towards.

I've conveniently stopped doing that for the longest time.

I've forgotten the bliss of being alone. Having breathing space and spending time doing nothing.
My life has been occupied by endless silly endeavours online, reading blogs, surfing net, msn-ing.. counterproductive things which ought not take up my time to do my tutorials.

I used to tell people that time is always enough, depending on how you use it. The people who complain they do not have enough time, are the ones who do not use it efficiently. Now I have become one of them. The lack of discipline is actually a necessary consequence of lack of self-reflection.

Most importantly, sitting alone to reflect helps me ponder about where I want to go in life. What I want to do with my life. It gives meaning to what I wish to do. It reminds me what is important in my life and why so. Thus, giving me the motivation to do them.

《简简单单》

我们都是泡沫轻轻一碰就破

眼泪是爱的火花 昨天就像飞机穿过我的窗口

我什么都没有 我推开了双手你予取予求

直到你想自由 痛苦的时候我不会闪躲

就像树叶甘心为春风吹落

只是简简单单的爱过

我还是我 简简单单的爱过

我还是我简简单单的疯过

被梦带走 当故事结束之后

心也喜欢一个人寂寞

I don't have to be a mother to understand how a mother cares. All the while I have a great relationship with my parents, always the favourite child (as I want to think), always the smart one, the one who brings the laughter at dinner tables... I love my parents. very much.

But it is always precisely so that it hurts even more when you quarrel with them... When you cannot see eye to eye with them on something... When you think that they have misunderstood you... It is more tiring maintaining the all sensible child image than just another child in the household. It is more tiring when you feel that there are greater expectations of you.

I failed to maintain the intricate balance among the 4 important aspects in my life: Family, Friends, Relationship and Work. Even when the balance is tipped slightly, all 4 aspects experience big ripples. For that, I have plenty of excuses - BLE is difficult and demanding, need to network... But cutting all that out, all that is left, is myself to blame. I haven't been able to juggle all these well, wanting everything and not wanting to sacrificing anything. Perhaps it is time to realise that sometimes, somethings gotta give. And acquaint myself with the concept of priority...

I just made my mother a very very sad woman, very sad mother and my dad a very disappointed father. In all frankness, it really sucks. It wasn't supposed to be like that. I was supposed to tell her calmly why I was so pissed with her comments. I was supposed to be that objective and grown up girl that I have tried to be for the past year or so. I was not supposed to make her cry.

I am really sorry the anger, the angry words/exchange, for making her cry. Most of all, I'm disappointed with myself, my actions for the past few months, my justifications.

At some point, I strayed and got lost. Now I need to get a grip.

Cheers,
WR

A brand new beginning.

After a few weeks at work, I have come to realise that the dynamics of working life is much more than just work itself. The work, it seems to me, is the smallest denomination and the most straight forward aspect of working. Instead, the other things such as human relations that take up more time. Balancing between being an efficient worker and a sociable colleague can be really difficult at times.

This new beginning is daunting, less exciting than I have imagined it to be. I have to admit that I am already fearing what is to come. At one point in time, I was unsure of the future, that I even have a future to speak of. In that short period of time, I let the fear consumed me, losing all perspective and composure. The problem, no doubt was a small one, was sufficient to throw me off course. The fear that I have created for myself, was extremely out of proportion. I was a victim of my own pessimistic imagination, once again.

Also within that short period of time, I managed to recover. I am fortunate enough to have many rational and experience people by my side. People who are patient enough to listen to my minute problems and give me rational advices. I am thankful that my lack of confidence in my ability was compensated by their faith in me; that my pessimism was always met with their rationalising of my situation. No doubt I cannot always rely on them, but I know there are people who will have my back when I fall at times.

At this beginning, I am learning how to stand up on my own two feet. I am learning how to deal with seemingly impossible problems (which I create in my mind). I am learning how to balance the different forces in my life. It is just like a baby learning how to stand. I know and I believe that eventually I will get the hang of it. But before that can happen, I'm glad I have the hands to hold me, to break my fall before I hit the ground hard.

I am especially thankful, because these are people whom I can speak freely to. These are people whom I know will treat me with sincerity.

At this juncture, the beginning of another phase in my life, I have to start planning for my life ahead. Gone are the days when my life plan was in academic years; my goals were to attend lectures and number of distinctions at the end of that year. Now is the time when I decide when my next period of assessment will be; the standard of success, etc.

Where do I see myself in 5 yrs? Where do I want to see myself in 5 yrs?

A big picture approach, a birds' eye view of things to help me manage all my aspects in life. It is time I sit myself down to map it out.

To my love ones:
Please stay strong for me and with me because I need your support for my decisions. I promise to make all reasonable efforts to make rational decisions. Please continue to believe in me.

Rise to greatness and awesome-ness.

Last lap of my academic career, about a month before my exam for this semester end... Then i'll be moving on to the next phase in my life.

Looking back at the 4 years, what have I gained as a person, as a student, as a daughter, as a friend?

It is that time again to take stock of what I have done, what I haven't done, what I could have improved on and what I have done well... And I asked myself, was I conscious for the most part of it? Was i aware of what I was doing for the last 4 years? Have I chosen my path purposefully or was the path choosing me all the while?

I'm proud to say that for the later part of my 4 years, I begin to see the purpose of me being in law school. I have chosen my path purposefully for the large part of it. And I believe I'm still moving in the direction I want to.

I'm very proud to say that even though i may not be the most enlightened person, I have came a long way from what i used to be. There are definitely room for improvement, but I am glad with myself. From a person who had no confidence in her future career, i've pushed on and found the light at the end of the tunnel. I've persevered and found my niche.

That being said, I could never have done without the encouragement, putting down, etc of the people around me. The people who walked me through the difficult times, who guided me through the learning process, the people who put me down so that I can stand up stronger, the people who try to take away my success, the people who were happy for my success...

I am grateful. For I would not be who I am without each and every little contribution that they have made towards my journey, both good and bad.

From here, with the right values and perspective in life, I will continue to move on. I have entered law school, feeling broken and down because I have ceded control of my life to external factors. I will continue my journey knowing without attributing my emotions to external actions. I choose to believe that the 4 years of law school has made me wiser, more intelligent and more aware of myself. I want to believe that from this point onwards, I am better equipped when I face challenges.

Cheers!

WR

Just 6 months ago, where was I, How did i feel?
Did i know that i will be here and now and feeling this way?

Significantly different. I'm returning back to the person i used to be. Everything that I have learnt and equipped myself with, I have left them somewhere along the way.

This is my life. This is about me.

I am trying. Trying very hard to make things work.
But at the back of my mind, the thought that you are never mine to begin with is still lurking.

:D

But at the same time, I am slowing re-collecting what I have picked up along my way in life.

If i fall again this time, i'll just have to pick myself up again tml. Because no one will take care of you like yourself :D


Cheers.

WR

OneRepublic
Stop and Stare

This town is colder now
I think it's sick of us
It's time to make our move
I'm shakin' off the rust
I've got my heart set
on anywhere but here
I'm staring down myself, counting up the years
Steady hands just take the wheel
Every glance is killing me
Time to make one last appeal for the life I lead

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving, but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be
Ohhh

Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, can you see what I see

They're tryin' to come back, all my senses push
Untie the weight bags I never thought I could
Steady feet don't fail me now,
I'm a run till you can't walk
But something pulls my focus out, and I'm standing down.

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone get scared
But I've become what I can't be
Whoa!!!
Stop and stare
You start to wonder why you're here not there
And you'd give anything to get what's fair
But fair ain't what you really need
Oh, you don't need

Stop and stare
I think I'm moving but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone get scared
I've become what I can't be
Oh, do you see what I see?

Lines to live by:

1) Work real hard and everything else will fall into place.

2) When you do not get what you want, experience is what you get out of it.

3) There are no losers in life, just people who take a longer time to get to where they want in life.

人有悲欢离合，月有阴晴圆缺。

Life can be so unpredictable sometimes. The person who is in the pink of health right beside you now may be diagnosed with some nasty disease tomorrow. You cannot prevent it from happening, all you can do is come to terms with it. This is a fact of life and one of the sufferings in life.

As we grow older and sickness starts to plague the people around us, especially the ones we love, helplessness starts to overwhelm us. Looking around, I realised how insignificant and fragile our lives are and how fast time can zip pass us.

No one can escape the cycle of life. When it applies to our own individual life, it is easy to come to terms with. If I have to die, then so be it. The pain only really hit us when it is time for our love ones to leave us. When there is nothing we can do about it except wait for it to take place and after that, slowly transit into a life without that person.

It is easy to say "then treasure the people around you now" but how many people can actually consistently do so? And how many people can apply this principle to every single person in his/her life? What is defined as 'treasuring'? Why do people have to wait till his/her someone is on the verge of leaving before treasuring him/her? What do people eventually forget the pain?

I'm not emo and i am not referring to any one in my family in particular. Just some thoughts about how my parents are growing older by the day and how my grandfather's health has deteriorated over the years... These are inevitable and it has dawn upon me that these are things that i eventually have to come to terms with. Through this, I hope people around me also start to realise that the state of things is not permanent. Things change, for better or for worse. Always equip yourself with a positive outlook that enable you to deal with these changes :D And you will definitely live a more fulfilled life.

Cheers!

Love,
WR

Sometimes i just think that everyone wants a piece of me... Not literally. When i make someone happy, i upset someone else. The relationship is not directly causal, but the implication of me doing one thing sometimes means i'll make someone else unhappy. Someone who is important to me.

I think if it happens so much to me, i must be the problem.
Why the problem? Because my time is so limited, and i cannot make everyone happy. So i have to choose.
The question is how do i go about choosing?
How then can i balance?
I don't like to do the balancing act.
I don't like to be restricted. To be questioned. To have people breathing down my neck, asking me where did i go, what time did i come home, even if they are my parents.

It is difficult.
What you do is never enough. You can do your best, yet, they can still find a problem with u.

I know and I try and i want to be a good daughter, niece, gf, friend, etc. But i guess i am just trying to hard to please everyone. I need to learn how to let go. I need to learn to draw a line. To know when is it that i have done enough and let nature takes its course.

KW told me "remember u told me before that one person can only do so much"

I can only do so much. I felt that i can make a difference by communicating, by telling them how i feel, what i am doing. I am still going to try, but this time, i'm going to do as much as i can. I am not going to be bogged down if they cannot understand .. Because i tried.

I just have to remember that i've tried my best. If things don't work out, they don't.

WR

Emotions,
It makes the world so complicated.

It can make partners so loving, yet so fill with jealousy at the same time.
It can make simply friendship look so sinister.
It can make something so innocent so difficult to fulfill.

I was faced with a dilemma. I used to believe that I should fight for my rights in a relationship. If I believe I had every right to meet my friends, I will do it. It is up to my partner to deal with whatever insecurities that he has.

I believed in honesty. Telling my partner whatever I come across, I feel. I want to let him know what i want to do, who i am going out with, etc.
I have been told the stupidity of such unlimited frankness, i have been warned.
But I always believe that together, a couple should be able to work together, to stay together, to trust each other, even with all the available information.

But emotions. Emotions for each other often make them irrational..

haiz

I dunno what to say.

http://mylittlenewhope2.blogspot.com/

Well, according to my fren, A true story that took place in Singapore.
To me, it is another true story happening in Singapore.

It is really sad, emotional and difficult. From the entries, she is an elequoent lady who is really pleasant looking. In fact, I'd say she is quite pretty. I cannot imagine a man, who has such a blissful and happy family, would want to throw it all away.

For love?
That he no longer loves the wife at home carrying his child? That he no longer feels like being at her beck and call because she is now pregnant and tempremental? That he no longer wishes to be in her company because she stays at home, contented with her happy family life?
That this other lady in the picture is more compatible with him? Because they are in the same field, they share the same interest, perhaps in travelling?

Yes, undoubtly, Love works in the most mysterious way. No one knows when it is going to spring on you. You can be married and you still feel the affection for someone else.
But, Marriage is more than love. More than just the feeling of affection. It is the past, present and future that the couple has built together andwill continue doing so. It is the memories that two people have accumulated. It is built up of the difficult and mandane times, while together they savour the good times...

It is not the mere affection, mere periodical matching of character. Affection will wear off, similarities in character will change eventually, they are not static..

Though like jye said, we don't know the full story, we have got to be objective.
可是很难不心疼那还没出世的小孩
她是那么的无辜
That no matter how objective you are, a woman carrying a child to full term alone without her husband is a difficult task.
The decision to have the child was made together... The decision to end the marriage was taken unilaterally...

To the Mommy,
You have to be strong for your child. What has passed cannot be change. May evil not befall on him, to let him know that you can be stronger without him. That you will do better without him. May he live with his conscience for a good long while. And you shall move on, without hatred. Because he is no longer worthy to occupy your thoughts any more.

Cheers,
WR

well, it has been a long long while since i posted anything here. My banking law paper is approaching, my sister's wedding is coming up, there is a new addition to my already very big extended family and most importantly, i am attached.
Coming to two months now and all I am going to say is that I am currently very happy with the way things are, happy and contented. I sincerely hope that nothing big or drastic will come my way once again, like the last time i felt so blissful, i was hit by a really huge dramatic end to my then relationship.
Perhaps as the years go by, one becomes more aware of what s/he wants because of the experiences s/he goes through. I cannot say that i have seen it all, but I guess i have seen my fair share of what it can be like out there. All i can say is that, being brought up in a simple family, I've always believe that family support is important for one to be successful. And when it comes to family, one must be contented with what s/he has, then it'll be a closely knitted and strong family.

With so many things happening in my family, good and bad, I just feel more and more fortunate to have them as my family members. It can be really difficult to be there for someone unconditionally but my family, esp my aunts and uncles, just manages to. The way they stand by each other is one which I seldom see in other families nowadays, to be available 24-7 to care for them and their spouses, to worry about their health, to take care of them emotionally and offer financial support. These might be obvious when everyone is still living together but not when everyone has already gotten married and moved out.
Of cos such love can have its down side. Over whelming love from your family can cause too much stress. But one has to constantly remind himself/herself not to take his/her family for granted, to accept the love and try his/her best to reciprocate.
I guess i've been spending too much time at home to observe all these...
Back to work.. Shall update again soon...

wr

Somewhere Only We Know


I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

[break]

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

"She wanted me to tell you that had love been enough, she will be right here with you..."
- Grey's Anatomy

Had love been enough... What would you have done differently in your life?

Had love been all that matters, would you still have chosen what you had?

Had love been the be all and end all...

Unfortunately, love isn't and i guess will never be.

Right now, there are more important things for me to do. Call me a coward, I don't have enough faith to take that leap. I tried, and all my worries are starting to materialise.

"You are complicated. And 'complicated' is not what i need in my life now."

I do not want to live in the shadow of your past. It might sound like an excuse for my lack of faith. But they are all factors. I do not want to sit at home, to have to be considerate and leave you alone on 'special days' and experiencing mixed feelings because of you.

I don't want to start thinking about what will happen if all you are looking for is an emotional support throughout this time of pain, difficulty. I do not want to have to worry about you realising I'm not the one but having to stay with me just because I saw you through this.
I do not want to think so much, because thinking so much just means that you are becoming important in my life. Because this means that I will be affected, it will be out of my control.

This is not what i need now.

numbness :D
What you would term as weakness.

I cant feel my brain, i cannot feel my heart. I'm emotionless. This is the perfect state of mind that I'd love to achieve, for a very long time. This entry might not make sense to any of you out there, but i know very well what i'm saying to myself.

I had some to drink. I'm filling my ear drums with really good music. I just came home from mambo night. I ought to be sleeping now.

I have to record this before i ever forget about how i feel right now...

I feel numb.

Numbness in my skull, numbness in my heart.. Actually skull especially. I cannot feel anything. I am enjoying this high.. I hope i never have to feel anything in my heart. I hope i never have to remember anything. I wanna be filled up my the music. I want to absorb everything that i'm listening and forget about how i really feel. I wanna forget that i'm a person. I wanna stop feeling.

It is too hard. It is too difficult. I don't even care who is reading this anymore. I want to forget whatever that i see when i close my eyes.

I want to stop lying to myself.

The day that I got to know you, it is destined that i cannot lead my life like a normal twenty-two year old. I cannot.
I cannot remember how.
But i just am pushing myself to move forward.
To be different
To think differently from who i used to be
To be someone else
To grow up
So many times, i wanted to give up. I told myself i'm just a twenty-two year old. I can afford to be young. I can afford to be naive. I can afford to make mistakes. I can be me.

But i want to become you.
I want to be emotionless. I want to be objective. I want to be carefree. I don't wanna be hurt anymore. I don't want any more pain. I know i can make myself be together with someone else.

"love has its limits"

Love has its limits. Love is over-rated.

I am sorry. As much as you try to convince me. At this second, at this minute, at this hour, this me, this person just cannot relate to it. It IS over-rated.

I'm falling.

And this time, there's no one there to catch me. There is no one. Falling into this abyss. I cannot even turn to you. I tried my best to be there for everyone. I want to be perfect. I want to be everyone's pillar. but i find that i cannot even help myself at this moment.

I smiled.
I smiled at you
I smiled at her
I smiled at myself in the mirror
I looked into my eyes, i told the girl in the reflection, i am a strong girl. i will live through this. I will move on. I told them, and i told myself, i am not a least bit affected. I love myself too much to let this affect me.

I know that as much as this is difficult, there are some things that i cannot bring myself to do.
I know that once this is publish, many things will never be the same again.
I know that i am very much under the influence of alcohol.
I know that i cannot define this, and there is no need to.
I know that tomorrow morning, i'll very much regret this.

But you know what?
Do note that i'll never regret this.
Do note that i have never once, looked back and regretted what i have done, what i have told you.

So many things, so many images raced through my mind.
I just want to say that
I hate the way that i cannot hate you.
I hate the way that you can make me laugh
I hate the way that you can actually make me forget all those things that you have done/have not done.
I hate the way i cannot just turn around and walk away..
I hate the way that i can see you once i close my eyes as much as i try not to.
I hate the way I use you as motivation when i feel that i cannot move on anymore.
I hate the way you have so much effect on me..
I hate the way i'm so into you, even though you had not done anything.
I really hate you...

I simply hate the way that i'm actually feeling for you.

I hate it.

I am sorry. I am sincerely sorry to you who love me. I am not sure what will i feel when i wake up tomorrow but at this hour, my mind is filled with some one who shouldn't be there to begin with. I cannot explain. I cannot understand.

Right now. I am just Me. I want to be naive. I want to be Me. I want to be stubborn. I want to be emotional.

Leave me alone.


Regards,
Drunk Me

PS. WTF.

I need someone who can be the solution, who can work with me to achieve the solution. THe last thing that i need is any more problems :D
Obviously the big picture isn't my picture, but if you cannot solve your problems even, then there is nothing more to talk about.
Case closed.

objectivity-big picture-stay focus

Constant reflection, self-searching, seeking for the answers.

I want to stay on track... The picture is clear, I know my options. The emotions shouldn't and shall not cloud my judgment now.
I have never been clearer in my life. I wavered for a while. But upon reflection on the events that took place today, a particular event make it clearer than ever.
I will and shall stay focus. It is what that is required of me. I never should have let my resolve waver in the first place. But as shu she said, I still lack the experience. Even though the event today did not affect me, the meaning behind it and its implications i do not wish to be part of. Cause and effect, neither of which i wish to be part of.

I did not feel very strongly about the entire episode. Purely from a third party perspective, analyzing what had transcend. It is so clear from this perspective and I really can get used to being so objective about some things. To extract myself from the situation and think very rationally what has taken place, what are the implications and what role do i play in this...

At this point, I am not sure if i had really became a more rational person or I haven't completely allowed myself to get involved. I'd like to think it is the former. I really hope I will be able to deal with the other issues in my life the same way, distant and objective. Clear and purposeful. Near inhumane but yet, just trying to do the 'right' thing.

Cheers!

WR

迷時師渡，悟時自渡

此身不向今生渡，更待和時渡此身

If you are not part of the solution to the equation, u are probably a problem. Den dun waste my time :D

At this moment in time, i really understand what does it mean by being enlightened :D LOL but don't know how long it will last ehz...
For my sake, i hope it lasts :D

路人甲
没事的路人，静悄悄地与你差身而过。。。
This is me, a passerby to most of the people in my life. Going in and out of their lives, for a short while. I can't explain it either... Mayb to them, i'm not the kind of friend for life. Looking back, at different period of my life, a different group of people there in my memories. There doesn't seem to be any similarities, except that I know at some point in time, they'll disappear from my life. There don't need to be any life changing events, not even a quarrel... They slowly 消声匿迹，慢慢的不见了。也没有刻意的闭门不见，就这样，失去联络。
probably it is a problem of mine, ever since i have memories, i knew friends are not forever. As much as I wish to have friends who know every dirty little secret in your life, whom my family members can recognise, who saw me through all the milestones in my life.. But i've always told myself that friends will come and go.. At the end of the day, no one has the obligation to be there for you. Or probably i'm just pre-empting myself from any hurt that might occur in the event something happens. After time, the character was formed.. I moved from group to group, at different times in my life...

Well, i guess such a situation has its pros and cons.. 虽然有时会寂寞，但知道自己够潇洒，放得下。并不是没有付出过，但常常提醒自己不是付出就有回报的。当关系太复杂时，大家渐渐把你的付出当成一种理所当然时，我就会慢慢的退后。。。 总觉得朋友们在一起，不希望有太多复杂的情绪。。人与人之间的复杂交际不应存在与朋友们之间，会很累的。。。
i guess that's why 我一向不会干涉朋友们的私事，要做什么，怎么做，我不想左右。牵涉太多，多管闲事，扰人扰己。and I condone the 'morally wrong' acts that people won't allow their friends to do... That others will usually talk their friends out of.. All i do is to say "this is your choice, you know fully well the consequences and u've gotta bear them in the event they materialised." Definitely not 'correct', not the kind of caring friend that people are looking out for..
But in life there are so many things that aren't black or white.. So many grey areas... What is 'right' is what most people think ought to be done...

My attitude, to most people i guess, is too indifferent, too cold to be considered someone to confine in.. And that's probably why i don't have many female friends.. Because they need someone to feel for them, sometimes even to whine with them.. To tell them that what they are doing is what i'd have done, to tell them that i understand.. But the truth is, I've been through it, and still going through it. Truth is i wish to tell them that U've gotta take care and take charge of your own emotional well being. Truth is you are only as damaged as you see yourself to be. Truth is you can do very well even by yourself, that no one is indispensible in your life. You simply move on.

Don't be mistaken, this isn't exactly an emo entry, not even one to complain about my current well-being. Being alone isn't a bad thing, it allows u to learn the most, to see more than ever. As your friends drift in and out of relationships, you see them come in and out of your life. As their lives take drastic changes, they walk in and out of your life. At that certain point in their lives, I have been there, i played a part or try to do my part to put them back on their feet. After that certain point, 不拖不欠, i don't expect them to be there for me... Or at least i try not to :D

到最后，谁不希望有一群和你走过大半辈子的好朋友？但又有几个人如此幸运？一切随缘，一切知足。

这首歌真的好冷门。。。or perhaps i'm not tech-savvy enough. All i managed was a web playing version of it. Sigh... And i uploaded it both on my face book and blog. No idea why it catches my attention so much, probably because it is very soothing and .. touching?

Saw the movie 881 on Tuesday... No expectations at all for this local production. Was very curious because it explored a side of the singaporean scene that I am not exposed to... I was there purely for entertainment. True enough, the show opened with a lot of crappy graphics, budget tech stuff and a hilarious and incredible story line... But it was in its kind of way, very funny. As stupid as the beginning scenes prove themselves to be, i could relate very well to the movie, partly because most of the conversations were in Hokkien and partly because those are scenes so close to home.

The story was a little out the the world, a little immature. But I believe that amidst the seemingly silly plot, was a story of friendship, kinship and love. Using a very silly plot to actually bring out the different aspects of love, the contrast was amazing, the effect was incredible. The outcome was touching. It isn't an out and out art film, out to explore the affections and relationships between people. It is a very simple film, about very simple people, who really love and care for each other. Who really fought for the people they cared for. It is simple, in order to bring out the complexity of relationship.

看完后，我只有感动。
戏中最让我感动的，并不是男女之间的爱情， 而是亲情，母女之间的亲情。。。 我永远会记得那一幕，小木瓜躺在病床上问玲姨为什么她总是面带笑容的。玲姨说“应为你是月亮，大木瓜是星星，我是太阳。我这个太阳要够亮，才能借光给你和大木瓜。。。”

Might not mean anything to anyone out there... But this, to me, is the most touching scene through out the whole movie. No special effects, just a very simple scene between a guardian and ward... The very simple words that were exchanged, brings out more emotions that i have expected..

人有悲欢离合，月有阴晴圆缺。。。

another break up has taken place.. Another broken heart. details of which i have yet to be informed, but probably due to circumstances. 有缘无份 heart breaking but better den dragging in on and find that out later in time. When you make the choice to end it, den u just have to work harder to get over. Even if the choice wasn't yours, u've got to accept it and move on. There isn't a second way out. There isn't a less painful way..

At the end of it, u still have a choice, to continue to brood over it or try ur best to get over it. No doubts that you'll feel sad, but you don't have to wallow in it, to drive yourself to a corner and keep asking yourself 'What if..'

没有如果，有的只有眼前的事实 I've learned long ago that ifs and what ifs are scenarios that will never come true, so no point asking yourself those questions. Many things there are no answers to them. Why did you meet this person out of the millions and billions of people out there? Why are you born to this family and not another? You can drive yourself crazy with questions with a million hypothetical scenarios, if i tried harder, if she didn't do this, if i didn't do that, if he wasn't this, if i weren't that... But that'll only make you feel worse, won't it?

In an ideal world, an ideal situation, You can have anyone of any characteristic, features, etc you want. Even if what you ask for is simple and realistic, even if it was someone living and breathing in front of you, if it doesn't happen it doesn't happen. Simple as that.

ge wei guan zhong, i just got back from BKK, Thailand safely. For those who didn't know, i was out of town since thursday morning :D

Many thoughts aft the trip, yet to have the time to pen them down.. Sort of incurred the wrath of my dad by going on this trip, so i've gotta stay home and be a good girl for a while...

lazy to write what happened during the trip here.. Not today at least.. Going off to bed soon!!!

:D cheers

WR

张震岳 - 思念是一种病

“他们说这就是人生
试著体会试著忍住眼泪
还是躲不开应该有的情绪

我不会奢求世界停止转动
我知道逃避一点都没有用

只是这段时间里尤其在夜里
还是会想起难忘的事情

我想我的思念是一种病
久久不能痊愈

当你在穿山越岭的另一边
我在孤独的路上没有尽头
时常感觉你在耳后的呼吸
却未曾感觉你在心口的鼻息
。。。

也许是上帝给我一个试炼
只是这伤口需要花点时间
只是会想念过去的一切

那些人事物会离我远去
而我们终究也会远离
变成回忆”

"I might have mentioned once too many that i've turn cold blooded since meeting you. What i have never talked about, is probably this:
I realised that perhaps i feel more than ever, that i care for people more than ever. I realised that i am beginning to put myself in others' shoes and try to act in their best interests, be it my family, my friends. Every decision that i had to make, through weighing the pros and cons, and even taking into consideration how will they objectively be affected. All these, i've learned from you. Rational as you may seem, "cold blooded" as you might pretend to be, 其实最关心人的就是你，因为你明白过于关心，是会令人窒息的。。。”

“而我们终究也会远离，变成回忆。。。”
This line kept ringing after our conversation yesterday. 单单想象就已经觉得好难过。。Only then that I realised that one day you wont be there for me anymore. 难过，不舍好似最自然不过的反应。接踵而来的，就是不知所措，一直问“为什么？”。然后，像在证明你这几个月的教导没有白费，理智告诉我：没有为什么，没有人会一辈子在你的身边。你能够做的，就只有欣然地接受，记住一切的一切，然后继续往前走。

我没有那么潇洒。。。 even though you didn't say now or when... I guess the reality of things suddenly hit me. Some thing that i have always been telling myself to pre-empt many unnecessary heart aches, some thing that i had so deeply embedded in my mind, some thing that i have realised since years ago - that no one will be there forever... I was caught off guard this time... I was starting to get too comfortable, taking things for granted..

The lessons learned, kept playing in my mind. Going through them again and again. Telling myself that perhaps this is the last stage of my 'training', that once all these is through, i'd probably be 'indestructible'... I guess that's the only thing i can seek solace in. That i shall not experience this ever again, that i shall keep my head always :D

今天我做到了。。。 在难过的当儿，我好努力的做好我需要做的事. 在别人面前，我还是我。

“岂能尽如人意，但求无愧无心。”
离别不是我选择的，但我会记住我所说过的。。。
我会乖乖的。 我已经长大了。。。

温

Haven been doing much since i stopped interning, didn't even go clubbing at all. I guess it is partly due to the lack of company, well, largely due to... :D But I'm pretty sure i'm not missing out much. How different can it be? If i'm really desperate enough to go alone den all the more i shouldn't make the trip. Because at the end of the day, i'll just be wasting money and feeling even worse :D That much i know :D So i guess until my OLD frens decide to make a trip down, i shall stay off clubbing for a while ..

Experience the life of a semi-retiree for the past week. Wake up late, well fed at home, do my exercises, take medication, meet up with frens for coffee and supper. But the value of such a life style can only be fully appreciated if you have had to work really hard preceding it. then again, isn't this how life is? You need to taste the bitter, to fully appreciate the sweet.. To remember that nothing is to be taken for granted, nothing is a given...

I'll be leaving for bangkok on the 2nd Aug, will be back on 5th Aug, hopefully :D

Nothing much to be updating about since i haven been doing much. Or rather i'm not sure what is worth updating about :D

One of my secondary sch frens just came back from her exchange to UK and we were supposed to meet up for lunch with the rest. In fact, we all are supposed to have a stay-over tonight. Mahjong, pedicure, pancakes.. Sounds enticing :D i should be there.. But lately, i haven been able to bring myself to attend all these gatherings for reasons that i cannot really point a finger at. Somehow or rather, I just feel that they come from a different world. And i don't know how to communicate with them. I guess we were never really that close to begin with. We claimed to have known each other for almost 8 years now, yet personally, I hardly know each of them...

After having thought about what does relationship means to me, I'm starting to wonder what does friendship mean to me? Looking back, so many friends have stepped into and out of my life, people from different walks of life, different ages... Some acquaintances, some have walked me through difficult times.. Some whom i've left behind...
Who can i consider as my frens?
Whom do i wish to have and keep as friends?
To what extend do I go for friends?

Are these question purely answerable thru instincts?

“无论婚礼多豪华多难忘
婚礼只是一天的事
但婚姻就是一生一世
当你说完我愿意之后
对方就会变成你一生中最重要的人
以后无论发身任何事都不会离开他”

Had to spend my weekend at home cos i took out two teeth on friday.. Since there was some very minor surgery involved, needed to stay in to recuperate. But it wasn't a big deal, not like i lost a lot of blood, felt giddy etc. All I experience was pain on the first night only. Anyhow had to stay home just to be sure :D
It also gave me a chance to finish the latest Harry Potter - the deathly Hallows, which was sent to my house by Singpost on Saturday morning at 750 exactly. How very efficient, even gave me a wake up call :D So everything was pretty, I rested at home with Harry accompanying me..
Only until now am i getting a little restless.. Thinking of going out but really, no where i want to go :p I have been surfing the net throughout the morning till now. Just finished watching 200 Pounds beauty on crunchyroll.com
Din't expect much from it at first, was just doing random clicking at first. Since i was so bored, i tot watching some comedy might help. At the end of the show i found myself tearing with the actress.
At the end of the day, the show is as much as u wanna see it.
In the midst of the show, these two phrases came into my mind:

骑在白马上的不一定是王子

世界上最可笑的话就是：“我做的这一切都是为了你”。

cant imagine I'll think so much after this show.. hahaha

Cheers!

WR

Exactly a month and a day after my last post ;) Busy busy i have been, with my internship and friends.

Finally have the time to sit comfortably at home and update my blog and my frens who have been following this blog because my internship just ended yesterday, 13 July 2007. My 2 and a half months' of hell was finally over at 630pm yesterday.

Difficult as it has been, I guess i shall not publish the details here. Who knows when any one of them in the office might come across my blog and I'd probably be in hot soup for writing certain things. Freedom of speech on the internet still comes at a price, responsibility needs to be exercised.

Anyhow, on the brighter side, I'm very very glad that i did not decide to give up during the first 2 weeks, when I thought i couldn't handle the stress and working life. When it was so tempting to tell myself that there was no need to put myself through that pain, to subject myself to the stress because at the end of the day, i didn't plan to work there. It was so attractive, the idea to quit my internship and tell myself that i'll be able to find a better job elsewhere, or live comfortably with the allowance my parents were providing me with. But boy am i glad that i persevered, thanks to the advices from my family and my brothers.. Thanks to their listening to my bitching did i survive the ordeal. Greatest thanks still goes to my mentor, shu shu, who always can understand my frustration without me saying much. Shu shu, xie la.

The internship made me realised many things about myself on top of learning about the work/life of a lawyer. Made me realised so much about working life, about facing your boss, about making choices between your life and your work, about time management, about juggling work, friends and family. Most importantly, it has taught me that at the most difficult times, even when you feel like giving up, your sense of responsibility will make u go on, there will be a voice telling you that giving up is not the solution to the problems. By taking the easier route out of the situation, I'll merely be running away and will never grow up/ mature/ lvl up if i choose to do that. As tired or painful as it maybe, I have to go through with it, to work hard and stay positive in order to complete the task at hand. Because by saying i don't know how to do, the task will not go away, it will be there until you find a solution or solutions to it. So it is all about looking for the best solution to the issue, when one way is blocked youve got to find another way. That is how different work and studying are. There isn't a correct answer, you have got to find as many ways to solve the issue as possible and then choose the best solution. It is your decision how to pursue the case at the end of the day and sell it to your client and the judge.

Super tired after the 10 weeks, now it is my turn to rest and relax. To sleep as much as i can, to jog and swim.. and nua before school reopens. Another year is starting soon, almost in the next phrase of my life.. I can already feel the change in perspective.

I need to believe in myself, just like how they believed in me. I will reach my potential, my dreams and goals. time to set the targets for my next academic year.

cheers!
wr