I'm jus curious, its the first time someone's loved ones are worried for him for dating me.. It just brings to mind those typical story lines when a vulnerable girl is dating a thug, or a triad leader. haha I don't know what to think.

i've never asked him not to go to church, i've never told him not to follow God's way, i've never stop him from doing his missionary works. In fact, i've told him i'd like to know wat is God's way of dealing with problems. Now that i'm tired of searching a way of my own, i'm really tired. The more that i tried, the deeper i fall. I don't know what is it that i'm seeking. I know what i ought to do, but more often than not, i follow my heart instead of my head.
i guess he is going through a lot of pain right now, judging from his email, having to choose between his faith and me. I guess the choice is obvious. His faith encompasses his family, his frens, his life. Maybe i should help him to make his choice an easier one. I've tried hard enough to maintain this r/s.. I guess i've given enough assurance, if he/they cannot give me time, i guess my existence in his life will only bring him more pain..

well, i guess all my love stories are rather exciting, always a drama element to them. A couple seperated by religion/family, hahahahhaha i thought such things only happen in the 50s or 60s. What a joke, i'm laughing so hard. hahahhahaha
Mayb by the end of my life, i would have experienced all kinds of special story lines that i see on tv. That isn't a bad idea at all. mayb i can even enter the Guinness world record.. "Experiencing most number of movie plots in reality" Hahahahah, then i can write a book, the royalties will go to my kids, if i have any

你要的爱我学不来
眼睁睁看情变坏
人怔怔看情感慨
不能给你未来
我还你现在
安静结束也是另一种对待
当眼泪掉下来，
伤已超载
分开也是另一种明白

我给你最多的疼爱
是手放开
不要一张双人床
中间隔着一片海
感情的污点
就留给时间慢慢漂白
把爱收进胸前左边口袋

最多的疼爱
是手放开
不想用言语拉扯
所以选择不责怪
感情就像候车月台
有人走有人来
我的心是一个站牌
写着等待

if i was the one in pain, i can hold on. I am willing to wait. I am willing to put the relationship to test. It may sound stupid, because perhaps in the end, i'll feel even worst for holding on.. However, if he still loves me and there is a possibility that we can make it through, no matter how slim, i'm willing to give it a shot. I won't give up even before we try, i dont wanna squash his hopes.
However, i'm not the one in pain, i'm not the one with difficult decisions to make, i'm de one to be given up. I'm de one to be leave behind because of big reasons, because of themselves. I'm not the one to choose. A relationships hinges on his/their decisions. Its no longer about us. I'm out of the picture. I feel like an animal up for sacrifice...
how can they be so selfish? They never asked me what i want?
They move on easy.
they leave me behind.
One's got a career to think of, one's got his religion, his loved ones, his space to breathe.
its all about them..

Is that all it is about?
Is that what love is about?
Me? myself and I?

they asked me what do i want out of the relationship with paul.
i don't know.
someone once told me, for everything you do, you must have a motive behind it.
I don't know.

I'm jus following my feelings, my emotions, my intuition. In retrospect, you can definitely put a hundred and one motives, reasons to it. At the time of doing something, most of the time i'm jus working on first instincts. Even though most of the time, what i do turned out to be 'wrong'.

Don't say you'd protect me,
when in the end, you'll be the one that hurt me the most.
Because in the end, you'll cause my tears.
Because, there will always be an end.
Don't say you'd love me forever,
when in the end, we'll still part.

Its not your fault, its mine.
will i really feel better by your saying of that?

Wenrong

I'm so bored.
I just received my results - B for contract, C+ for LAWR, Crim and Legal theory.
Bad, but expected.
Contract was unexpected thou, i tot i would get a D for it. After the paper, i was totally devestated and i was crying on my way back. I had a C+ for the first paper, so this paper i had actually got an A- or at least a B+ in order to bring it to a B... Rather shocking considering the fact that i was panicking while doing the paper. My mind was in a state of blank and i couldn't understand what the qn was asking.. I guess this further strengthern my belief that Law as a subject is always unpredictable, like the judge. Darn it.
I've gotta work harder than this man.. i cant get C for all my Law years.. i might just end up as the first third class in ten years..

My mum's reaction was pretty neat. She actually told me all the C+s are Bs to her and a B is an A to her.. My mom is the coolest in the world. Her formula actually includes her seeing me working during the examination period. haha If only all the lecturers grade like her..

I'm so bored at home, i just realised since i came back, i've been going out ever since. I just cant sit still and do work.. I guess i'd have problem concentrating when school reopens.. Trust me to be worrying about that, which is two months away.

I'm so disoriented.
I nid to settle down.
argh

20.
big confusion.
darn

I'm back :)
bought lotsa stuff, spent lotsa money, made lotsa frens, learnt lotsa stuff...

I went at the age of 19, came back at the age of 20..
I wish I can say that I've grown up, that i can tell pple i'm already a young lady at the age of 20.
I don't know if its true.
but i learnt yesterday that perhaps i've matured a little from the time i left singapore..

I have so many things to say, i really don't know where to start..
so many things have changed since i left and its barely two weeks.
Apart from my age, my relationship, my understanding of myself, of niang niang. realisation..

We broke up yesterday. I guess one can consider that a mutual understanding. I guess i really dun wish to dwell on it here... Breaking up after i touched down in singapore isn't one of the things that i wanna share with my frens right now..

I realised i'm not as strong as i tot myself to be, not as independent. Although there is a chinese saying that goes like if you depend on ur family when your at home, in a strange land, you can only depend on your frens. The Thais had no complains about helping out as well. I realised that without their help, i could very well just have stayed in my hostel for the 3 days, instead of bringing home so many things for my family. I'm grateful for their hospitality. They've definitely went out of their way to take care of me. If any of them were to drop by singapore, I'd definitely make it a point to make them feel at home in singapore. This is my promise to them. Because frens like this, i'll never find anywhere.. Thou there is distant, i guess this distant will be the very element that will keep the frenship alive. Their beliefs in frenship, their faith in friends, their effort, made me realised that, there can be true frens actually.. they have wiped out my cynical belief that once i come back, everything returns to normal, they'll forget about me and i will to them.. perhaps its still to early to say.. but i guess i have faith in them..

I've also realised that i'm not so good at making conversation anymore. Even though i still get comments from my singaporean frens saying i mixed well with them, many a times i find myself stuck in a conversation. Awkward pauses became rather common. I tried dismissing them with reasons like communication difficulties and i was not in sync with the person i was talking to.. But i guess i'm more lively than that, i used to have a lot of crap to say to strangers..

Before the trip, i was worried about travelling with niang niang. There are many things which she cannot get used to, plus she's a little hot-tempered. I was worried if i could handle that, together with the stress of finding our way ard... I was totally wrong about her.. which shows that i've yet to know this fren, whom i've known for 5 years, very well. I'd always rem that on the first day, after we nearly got cheated by a taxi driver, i was in a state of uncertainty. Both of us were tired, i went for a shower. When i was done, i saw her reading the maps, thinking of a good way to get into our secluded hostel the next time we take a cab. There was no complains, no whining, no anger. She was stronger, more adaptable than me. Also, when my thai frens brought me ard, we usually have more things to say to each other. Niang niang will be left alone.. In singapore she wont feel too good about this, hence i was worried if she might get angry. however, my worries proved to be redundant. She was alright with being left alone, listening to our conversation. She even commented that the thais were really very nice people.

I guess one could say that a person will act differently when he/she goes abroad, or faced with difficult situation. I wont say its different, i'd say its an innate personality, the true self showing. That characteristic seldom shows itself when one is in his/her comfort zone. Knowing one's true self actually tells one how far you can go, how strong you are. For me, i know i'd always be relying on pple, relying on my skills relating to pple instead of myself, which is unreliable. For niang niang, she can pretty much go a long way if she wants to, because she relies on herself instead. i'm so proud of you.. You go, girl!

i realised the importance of my family. the value of my family. and the blessings i possess all along through all the tests i've been put through..
my daddy asked my sister EVERYDAY about me. my grandma asked my dad when i was coming back.. i ran to my granddad the first thing i got home, holding his hand makes me wanna cry.. i hugged my elder sister for the first time in many years because i brke up.. my younger sister saved up her allowance to buy me a handfone chain for my birthday.. my second sister came home early just to see me.. My mum cooked really nice dishes yday night to welcome me home... I even had a cake to celebrate my birthday.. :,) oh yeah, and daddy went all the way to the airport to fetch me when he was already near home...

paul was right, there're so many things that are impt to a person's life instead of a relationship..

"Learn to be alone, before you learn to live with someone else in your life.." -fr a good fren

its high time i learn how to.

will be outta spore for 2 weeks.

:)

Thank you sabasketeers for the lovely present. esp meiling who spent her precious time folding the cranes..
and jie and lil bro who walked around ysh central with me, running some errands.
I really appreciate it. :)
the money was well spent. Its lovely to see you guys again after so long, you guys jus bring back some of the best memories.
I really dunno what is more impt that telling u guys to study hard, so forgive me for naggin u guys time and again. There's nothing more impt than studies right now..
take good care, you guys are blessed, stay crappy and lively.


Everyone out there still readin this crap, take care.
thank you for sticking ard...
later guys..

Cheers
wr

是否每个笑脸背后都有个不开心的故事？
而越开心的脸孔后隐藏着越不开型的过去？

世界如果简单一点
人若是简单一点。。。
开心就是开心
伤心就是伤心。。。
爱就爱
不爱就不爱。。。
=========================================================
男孩和女孩认识一年多后，才开始发现彼此的存在。
也不知道是什么时候开始，男孩常常约女孩出去。
有时逛街，有时聊天。就算只是坐着面对面没说话，也感觉很自在。
两颗心慢慢的靠近，不知不觉地。
不晓得是默契，还是巧合，或者是害怕对方的反应，都把自己的心意，很好的隐藏起来。

一天，男孩反常得提早送女孩回家。
女孩不解，以为自己说错了什么，还是做了什么让他怀疑自己对他有感情，不知所措。
电话中的女孩，心不在焉。
但女孩终于鼓起勇气，向表白时，男孩对她说：
“其实，我喜欢你”
在女孩还来不及高兴时，他接着说
“但是我不能接受我们在一起会带来的一样眼光。这一步，我想我很难跨出。”
“我并不想逼你做你不想做的事。我只想说，我也喜欢你。就这么简单。”
“那，我们就顺其自然吧？”


“我们能不能收回昨天说的话？一切似乎那么不自然。。。”
“对我而言，收不收回，都一样自然。如果你真的不习惯，说收回会令你好过一点，那么我们就收回昨天的话吧。”
“。。。”
“我真的可以！”
“不如。。。我们试试看交往好吗？”
就这样，男孩和女孩，不管世俗的眼光，走在了一起。

对女孩而言，那可能是她生命中最美的四个月。
天天见面，好似永远都不会感到腻烦。
小小的世界，就属于两个人。小小的地方，似乎永远都不会厌倦。

但是，
如果世界真得那么简单就好了。
两人因为别人的眼光，吵了几次。

那一天，
他发了一则简讯给她，叫她上网差电邮。
两人最不希望发生的事，终究还是发生了。
这一段恋情，还是逃不过世俗的枷锁。
就在即将被揭发时，男孩选着要放弃。

女孩在分手后，没有怪过男孩。那，终究是必然的。
在分手后，女孩却应为一只放不下，而做出一些反常的举动。
本来还有来往的两人，也因为女孩不停的纠缠，而把距离拉得越来越远。
最后，男孩索性，都不理女孩了。。


如果男孩不经意的看到，
女孩想对男孩说
“对不起。
我已经努力的忘记了。假如我不那么执著，今天，或许我们还可能是朋友。在还没忘记前，我想我最好别再传你。。加油！”
=============================================================

以上故事，
纯属虚构，
如有雷同，
纯属不幸。

Lady : Why do you like me..? Why do you love me?
Man : I can't tell the reason.. but I really like you..
Lady : You can't even tell me the reason... how can you say you like me? How can you say you love me?
Man : I really don't know the reason, but I can prove that I love you.
Lady : Proof? No! I want you to tell me the reason. My friend's boyfriend can tell her why he loves her but not you!
Man : Ok..ok!!! Erm...because you are beautiful,because your voice is sweet,because you are caring,because you are loving,because you are thoughtful,because of your smile,because of your every movements.

The lady felt very satisfied with the man's answer. Unfortunately, a few days later, the Lady met with an accident and became comma.
The Guy then placed a letter by her side, and here is the content:
Darling,Because of your sweet voice that I love you...Now can you talk? No!Therefore I cannot love you.
Because of your care and concern that I like you.. Now that you cannot show them, therefore I cannot love you.
Because of your smile, because of your every movements that I love you..Now can you smile? Now can you move?No, therefore I cannot love you...
If love needs a reason, like now, there is no reason for me to love you anymore.Does love need a reason?
NO!
Therefore, I still love you...And love doesn't need a reason"

Copied from jie's blog. Nice entry. Faith, sincerity - rare commodity in this 'broken down world'. I've found them. Found them in some good friends.
Well, i cant really say i'm going thru difficult times now. Because i'm only 'asking for it'. I was the one going around looking for trouble, it just turned out that i wasn't able to handle them as well as i thought i could.

I'm sick again. Really good timing. Right between the rejectiong and the thailand trip. I have another day to recover. before feeling like shit when i go thailand.

Some weird person jus frenster msg me to lend her biz law books. I've only bought bash ticket from her once. Now i might have to meet her tml evening, go all the way back to clementi to law library to borrow books from law lib. Sometimes i wonder why am i willing to go to such extent for passersby, whom i know i will never talk to again. *raise eyebrows*. Anyway, before your imagination runs wild, its a she.

Been surfing sabasketeers' blogs, those that i could find. there's even one started by them, dedicated to all sabasketeers. Its sweet. They remind me of the days when friendship was the most impt thing in the world, and all else are things i can worry about later, like studies, future, family. The part of my life when i always thought time will be there waiting for me (not literally). Love, belonging, identity was what i seek. The search wasn't too successful, but time has come to move on to something else. The 'future path' that has some how taken shape, trying my best to stay on track. My family that has always been with me. I've learn to let go of certain things, and the more you do it, the better you are at it.
I guess i learn that although frens are impt, there are bound to be people who walk in and out of ur life. They are people whom u learn a great deal from, but you know both of you will move on to other things. Your paths have crossed for once and then, you move on. Perhaps a little heartless, but i'll simply walk away.
But that doesn't mean i do it to everyone that comes into my life. There are this group of special people, who'd stop for you when you fall. Similarly, you'll stop for them whenever they're in trouble. Anything at all, even exams, work can wait. There's mutual understanding that whatever, whenever, that you guys will try to be there for each other.
Ever played the game of Angel and Mortal in secondary schooL? i haven. A mortal will have an angel writing to him/her. The angel, in turn, is a mortal with another angel taking care of him/her.
I have a group of special angels assigned to me.
I haven really been a good angel to anyone, working hard...
Usually, i'd run to people when i'm down and out. Seldom are there people running to me when they're down. I guess its failure on my part. *bitter smile*

Mayb my source of misery is being too caught up with myself..

Cheers

"that's cheating yourself. It is like you don't wanna be late, so you purposely tune ur watch to an earlier time. But you already know the trick already."

the best piece of advice i've received for the weeks.

sighz.
things that people do to deceive themselves. Knowing very well the truth but still go into things blind.
Does that make people happier?
to walk into something knowing at the end of it, you'll feel miserable. But you just dun care for the sake of the two hours of happiness?

din they say live for the moment?
well, perhaps not in this context. When your happiness is build upon someone else's misery..

argh. i donnoe wat i wanna say anymore.

SUckz

wr

I desperately need to let this out of my system.

Some idiots commented that the mass emailing are too long and they don't hav the time to read through, or at the sight of such long emails, simply ignore them.
I had half the mind of replying if they really think that the length of the emails turn them off, den forget about the whole alumni thing. If convenience is what they are looking for, then there is a high chance that they won't be much a contribution right? i mean most of the time we will have to go out of our way to do certain stuff. If the length of the email is your main concern, is your limit of how much time you're willing to spend on this, then i cannot seem to find any reason for your presence in the mailing list.

anyhow,
the bigger question is:
why am i so pissed off?

man, i really don't know.
hahahah

Cheers

wr

Random gibberish after exams

jus had a little discussion with a fren over my emails to the yj alumni group - according to him, it looked like a desperate shout out for help.
On my part, i feel that i've done all i can, within my power and limit to help the alumni. Thou it is jus mass emailing the people, i dun think an alumni member ought to be running ard de school trying to put things together, should i? Not to mention i'm not too welcome in school nowadays.
Just the other day when i went back, i was stopped by the security guard (door bitch) and i had to specify who i was visiting in the school before i was allow to even fill up the form for a temp pass (sticker). i highly doubt it is done for the security of the students, when you can call the student out to the front gate if you really needed to talk to the student. I was wondering to myself, does it mean i can only see the teacher whose name i've wrote? and If i wanted to see other teachers, do i have to list all of them down? Now if i wasn't in the office but in the canteen talking to the stall holders, will i get boot out of the school?
Perhaps all that are jus angry thoughts. As an alumni, I felt excluded. All the talk about needing the cooperation, the resources of the alumni is merely a nicer way of telling us, 'hey we need some donations from the alumni'. The graduated students mean nothing to the school except as cashcows to be made used of. it was a clear msg - you guys are jus to provide your services and help, you are not to come and go as and when you like. i feel so welcomed by the school. So much for trying to change the image of the school.

As for the mailing list, i've received two very nice replies from two very senior seniors, who graduated donkey years ago. Two very encouraging emails that volunteered their service to put together a gathering somewhere in june or july. I'm not afraid to admit that i'm on the verge of quiting this whole alumni thing. I guess unless i'm taking home a fat income of $10,000 a month as a well-known lawyer, my words might never carry weight in that place. And it is a very discouraging thought, discouraging but real. No doubt cruel but at the end of the day, it is how the world works. We can disagree with it, but forced to comply with it.

i'm suffering from an illness known widely as 'growing up'. Manifestation of a more fatal disease called 'life'.

cheers

i tried to sleep at 12... tired as i was, i woke up at 250am..
throughout that 'sleep', my mind kept repeating the contract questions i did this afternoon. Trying in everyway to attempt at the questions again..
befor you guys think i'm a nerd who go to sleep thinking about contract exam questions after my papers while i sleep.. i'm not.
Difficult as it may be, if i knew i had put in all my effort, i wouldn't be feeling so bad now..

i just knew i haven tried as hard as i should have...
the kind of panic i felt during the paper today, was something that i've always feared.. Sitting there, in a blank, having no idea what to write. I always tot that was something you'll feel for essay papers that you have to memorise tons of stuff... Today's paper was open book essay.. i had all my notes that i prepared over the past week in front of me..
Not only was i at a lost to what to write, halfway through my discussion, i realised i was writing the wrong things. after a while, i decided what i've writtne was the wrong issue. and it was jus too late to change..

argh...
it's not a very good feeling..
and as all of you can see, my brain is half dead, i have no idea what i'm writing now..
BUT I CANNOT SLEEP!
Hell..
i'm pretty sure i'm not so excited over my holidays that i cant sleep...

This may sound abit sadistic, I have half the mind of punishing myself so that i can feel better. Like when i was young, if i din do well in sch, sometimes i would get punishment.. I thought feeling miserable during the holidays can make up for it.. but it isn't very constructive. I guess i'll have to be abit more creative than tat..
maybe copying ansons?
hahah..
I guess i'll jus have to let it go and sleep today first.. before we can talk about anything at all.

This is a bad start to the 3 mths holidays..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

my new resolution for this holiday, other than my tuition plan-
i wanna learn how to draw cartoons and make cartoons on the computer!!!
i got a great story plot to put into cartoons..
hahaha

might just turn out to be another dream left behind.
;P

Another week - and temporary freedom!!!

muahaha

wenrong

只能抱着你
作词：光良 / 作词：瑞业 / 男声：光良
好想这样抱着你，我知道你有些在意。
给他伤了心，才想到可以找你。
好想这样抱着你，我知道你现在伤心，
想有人陪你，只是如此而已。

你知道，我明了。抱着你，我（你）的泪，却为他而掉。
你知道，我明了，抱着你，温习拥抱。
你知道，我明了，抱着你，我的心有些动摇。
你有的好，他做不到（他有的好　我做不到）。
还想他（也许他），可能等我回家（等你回家），
在我们（你们）相识的楼下。
还想他（也许他），可能拨我电话（拨你电话）留话。
还爱他（你爱他），我从没怀疑过（没怀疑过），
今晚心底的挣札，我不说你明白吗？

只能这样抱着你，我知道你有些在意，
给他伤了心，才想到可以找你。
只能这样抱着你，我知道你现在伤心，
想有人陪你，只是如此而已。

rahh...

handed up my written assignment yesterday, rather, sent it to paul to hand up for me. i overslept and missed the ride.. this is what happens when you write it till 340am in the morning, you cannot wake up at 630am to go to school.

sigh...
i need to focus...
i need to study..
why am i not studying?
i cannot find the zest that i had in jc..
i hate this feeling.
damn it.


i am goin to study.
i hereby promise myself to study hard for another 3 weeks.
and then i can rot for 3 months.
;p

did i mention i lost my smart card pin?
how am i goin to do my student survey!?
arghhhhhhh

-mindless ranting-


wenrong.

SIAN,
i actually hate my piece, trying to ask my smart frens to read it for me, whether it make sense to them.
but i hate my piece.
There's inertia to change it.. i'm really reluctant.. i slept upon it (a phrase used by my legal writing tutor). but decided i still do not wish to change anything, as much as i feel it is superficial.. hahaha
because i really don't understand why i disagree with the proposed reforms.. i cannot elaborate properly.
Where is Pardeep? (yes, i say i'll mention u) He is on his way to school. According to him, he is losing sanity.. hahaha shan't poke fun at him here.. i dunwan to lost a fren, or an arm..

yawnnnn
idiotic unger (nope, not uncle, his name is roberto mangabeira UNGER), Gordon, peter gabel.. oh which reminds me.. i haven quote gabel..

i'm too free lah
got "chased away" by paul on Msn.. Cos i was irritating him.. disturbing his writer's inspiration.. rahhhhh
no one wants to talk to me, because everyone is busy with their essay.. why cant i stay more focUZ..
cos i don't use "focus daily"
hahaha
i shall shoot myself for saying that...

outta here

hope i get tuition fees tonite
MUAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH
HOPE

did i mention, i wanna go KTV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
don u hear?

ha ha ha

please, just let me rant before i start writing my legal theory paper which is due tml at 12 noon..
current status - 0 words.

I want to complain! i raised the suggestion of the next alumni tea with the yj-alumni, only one person volunteered to help organise it. If that's not enough, the co-ordinator did not even mention it in his reply. Am i barking up the wrong tree? should i continue to make effort in this forum? or should i jus give it all up? I mean, as much as I want to do this as well for SN, they really don't lack of people enthu enough to do it. i have half the mind to go on with the soccer charity myself.
I don't think I should get so worked up over this as well, after all, i've graduated and no longer has anything to do with the school anymore (as most people put it). I've gotten my 'A's, that's it, move on. But at the back of my mind, something seems to be telling me to do something for the school.
it is frustrating because, we all know they only want the alumni to contribute by giving donations.
it is frustrating because, the alumni itself is passive.
it is frustrating because, the school isn't recognising your effort.
it is frustrating because, you feel so pointless, like throwing ur suggestions into the sea..
it is frustrating because, no one seems to have faith in the organization, and the people have proved them to be right.

it's pissing me off.

perhaps i can just give it all up.

my effort for the yj alumni, for the yj forum, my wish to become a teacher, my hope for the education system, my dream to volunteer, my change in character, the change in way of communication..
it's scary, the resemblence.
i try very hard to dismiss it.

I noe i'm this far away from the required chrisma because i've yet to derived the desired results from the effort i've put in.

It's disheartening to look at the result of the poll, the confidence level of the alumni, the response from the alumni. when your enthusiasm is met with a bucket of cold water..

at the back of my head, my fear has always been that some people might bring up the past, the history. That people may and perhaps will always view my enthusiasm with suspicion, that there is some motive behind it.. maybe i am afraid he think so. Mayb i'm afraid that i have to face something that i know i wish will never have to, but back of my mind know that it is inevitable..

i'm frustrated.

now is not the time to be.

i've got bigger things to worry about, like my future, like a typical NUS undergrad, i've got my exams to worry about.

so much for current affairs, tonight the other side of the gemini speaks..

Had a couple of rough weeks with my boyfriend, was on the verge of breaking up. i'm glad that's out of the way right now.. will it be peace all the way now? i wonder..

i talked about my dreams and my dilemma.. on one hand, i wish to be volunteer, to be a teacher, to give back to society.. on the other, i really wanna make lotsa money, bring my parents travelling, drive a nice car.. yes, the twins bickering in my head.. I know that i'll definitely be happier being a giver.. but i don't wanna be sloggin my life away.. hence i said i wanted to give myself 3 years working as a professional before deciding if i really wanted to be a teacher. I told him if i was really miserable, i would then go into teaching.. He said why be miserable first den, when you can go and teach directly?
first, because unless you were miserable before, you cannot appreciate the kind of happiness you can derive from something else. Unless you were miserable before, you cannot understand how much better of you are subsequently. Being there and knowing what it is, are completely different.
second, if you had been a professional, your words carry weight in the school. You move up faster. "How high do you want to climb?" When people listen to me, when i can introduce new things into the school without much effort..i did not want to be some normal teacher who takes instructions from the school and then carry them out.. That will totally defeat the purpose of me wanting to become a teacher. I wanna inject new life to current lessons, i wanna make education a different experience for the kids, i want to change their lives. He then say that being a normal teacher can be happy too, raising his mum as an eg. An alarm sounded in my head, i steered the conversation away.. i totally respect teachers and what they do, by saying i wish to do things differently does not mean they are not doin a good job. Since we were talking about his mother's occupation, i tot i better avoid goin further before i go into the danger zone again..
Sigh, which made me realise one thing.. He doesnt really understand my dream, he doesn't really understand me enough in that sense... I've always told him how i wanted to help the students, the things i would do if i had a class, my tution kids.. but he doesn't get it... He doesn't understand why am i doing all these things, just like my sister who said she will never take up a teaching role unless lecturing in university.
i dont even know if i will end up teaching, but somehow, i am very uncomfortable to be together with someone who can tell me i can be happy being a normal teacher. Totally missing the point of why i want to be a teacher. It's like he tripped an alarm and it hasn't stop sounding since just now..
The impact was reinforced, when he dropped me at the bus stop without seeing me up, when i had 2 textbooks, a pullover, a laptop, a bag and a packet of rice to bring upstairs.. I know he has a headache, i know it is troublesome to park the car, i know i shouldn't expect so much.. but i'm a girl after all... Even if all he did was asked if he had to see me up, i would have ask him to go home and rest instead, gladly.. yes, hypocritical, superficial if he all he wanted to do was pretend he cared.. but the sad fact is, women are this gullible, women are suckers for these acts, trust me.. All you have to do, is look really beaten, with innocent eyes, say "darling, do you need me to help you with those and see u up? My headach is slightly better now, dun worry bout me." and the girl will ask you to drive home carefully with her textbooks falling all over. yes, the power of words...
However, i know that if i told him that, he'll ask me "you really want me to say that when i don't mean it? why are u always expecting me to be someone else?" He doesn't understand that there is no someone else that i want him to be, that is a kind of communication between couples, between two individual human beings who see each other almost half a day, everyday. Such act leads to a win win situation, the girl gets the emotional satisfaction, the guy gets to go home and sleep. what could be better? It only takes a few more words on the guy's part, and the girl to be a girl, that's IT.

Just read my fren's blog, trying to move on from her break up.. Like all girls who got a bastard as boyfriend or ex-bf, left hurt and trying hard to move on, losing her identity.. Grabbing on to her religion like a floating piece of wood in the vast open sea.. I'm sick of hearing the same old story repeating itself... i donno how to comfort her, because just not too long ago, i was in her position. Losing myself, whinning day and night, crying like a baby... walking in the shadow of my previous relationship, seems like i'll never walk out of it..
i just wish she can be strong so that she can stand up again. No one can help her but herself.. she's right about one thing, things will never be the same again.

Why?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

People exercise restraint on themselves.
alot of things i yearn to do, wish to think of, hope i can have.
I have to stop my thoughts, not even actions.
That is what being an adult is about rite?

When you were young, the adults stop you from doing this and that, you wish you'd grow up faster.
When you are an adult, you have all the freedom to do things now. But u realised that many things you weren't allowed to do when you were young, usually you don't do them as adults, because you now exercise self restraint.

The same restrictions, jus in different forms.

Wat is freedom?

I hate people.

just sent another email to the mailing list of yj alumni
i proposed an idea of soccer charity to the school, the school started a poll on the idea.
That shows how much faith the school has of the student body. It is undeniably pragmatic to gauge the participation level, but it's really demoralising to start things on such low level of faith..
And even more disappointing, is the fact that less than 10% of people voted and the deadline is either tml or the day after tml. They are just proving the school right, that it was right to speculate the level of participation, that yjcians, past or present, are an indifferent bunch.
There's no room for improvement given such frame that we are being put into, there cannot be a breakthrough.

if they weren't for the idea, it is understandable. i mean everyone is entitled to their view and if the idea of soccer charity does not appeal to them, den very well, go to the poll to say "no, i do not wish to join".
However, the main problem is the indifference embedded among the alumni and students alike. They sit around and wait for things to happen, if it so happens, yay good for us. If it doesn't, well it's like dat.
I post them a question "if you cannot even afford that, then why did you subscribe to the mails?"
I'm not expecting everyone to come up with a brilliant idea overnight and cry "we love yj". Not even my level of participation, ie writing proposal and participating in discussion. But at least when someone shows the initiatives, agree or disagree. It's as easy as nodding or shaking the head. if 90% of the people did not vote, i don't see the point of the mailing list at all. What is the point of keeping 180 people updated about things they cannot be bothered with?

maybe i'm over reacting, but it's simply disappointing to see this.

Anyway, i was discussing euthanasia with my little brother. He happened to be online cos he took MC from school today. Apparently i was telling him i could help them with GP (topics, not grammar..) if they needed any help, and he asked me what to tutor for GP. Then initially post him a qn of inter-racial relationship. I wasn't too satisfied with his ans, i have to admit. Then i asked him "what do you think of euthanasia? are you for it or against it?"
These are things that should crop up in your mind as you read the papers, esp the forum where alot of people voice their views. You look at their views and decide whether you agree or disagree with them. Then ask yourself, why do you agree? Why not? Make out an argument of your own.
He was rather interested in the discussion and by the end of it, he decided that GP was fun after all.
More of such discussion should be done in school instead of emphasis on the form of writing an argumentative that they have currently. I suggested that he could initiate such a discussion among a few mature friends and propose to the school for a supervising teacher. At the end of the discussion, a report of the different views can be written and circulate among the larger student population. This can benefit the large group of student body at the same time, impress upon them the need to be aware of their surroundings and current affairs. It will definitely benefit their GP grades and their ability to interlink across discipline..
I need to realise all these ideas, but i noe if i go to teacher, the school won't be too receptive, not to mention it'll take some time for me to become a qualified teacher.

Talking about teaching, brings me to another topic:
Japan has accepted the new syllabus of History textbook As reported by TST 6th april, the new syllabus claim that it was not Japan who started the war and the comfort woman issue was diluted with no mention of the phrase "comfort women".
I am not about to fan anti-japanese emotions here. I think that a country has the sovereignty to teach their younger generation the way they wish it to be. China is also guilty of whitewashing their own history text of cruelty - e.g. Tiananmen Massacre. I believe in every country, a certain level of dilution of facts because: first, the history is written by the victors. in the case of a civil war, the party winning that civil war will choose which version of truth to teach the young. Second, a certain level of white washing is essential to maintain the pride of the nation, the pride of the citizens. For them to be proud to be of their origin. I wish to address the whole of such white washing issue, not particularly on any issue and definitely not taking sides.

What is the basic objective of education?
to prepare the younger generation to contribute to the society, imparting knowledge
The idea of imparting knowledge, has it become a mere passing on of norms within the society? the subjective knowledge from one generation to another, reinforcing the societal norms?

Is education merely for social engineering? that we tell the younger generation "it is a joy to be parent" when we need more babies, "this is the country's glorious past" when we need more patriotism among the people. I tend to believe such alterations, as long as they're not totally untrue, ie teaching young kids smoking is good, or as long as they do not impeach on friendly relations between countries, should be fine.
The former is obvious.
The latter can be a bit controvesial.
Why must an independent country craft their syllabus in order to make another country happy?
Let's take for example Japan's change of syllabus -
as i have learn in my secondary school history lesson, Japan started WWII in the Asian region, this i've checked up in CNN.com in their interview with the late author of The rape of NanKing
http://www.cnn.com/books/news/9905/25/nanking.salon/. Notwithstanding that, there is also the Singapore Museum that told me how Singaporeans suffered under the cruelty of Japan. Hence it is not difficult for us to accept the tragedy that occured in Nanking and Korea. I do not deny that i may be another product of subjectivity of history, however, there are many pictures, accounts of victims that can support this. These aren't things that victors of war make up just to blame another country for starting the war.
The subject of their alterations happened to involve their wrongdoing towards another country. It implies that they do not admit their mistake and their part in the war. It is one thing to say "yes, we started the war, we were wrong, we learn from it, we are strong today." it is another to say that "No, we were defending our rights, we are strong today". Telling a completely different story (note: i did not say "wrong story") is different from omitting the story, departing even further from what the evidences point to.
I am not even proposing to have a full account of what we have learnt on the receiving end of the cruelty. A mention and acknowledgment of these accounts could suffice. It is not the intention to shame the younger generation, to make them feel apologetic towards the other countries. It is to teach the younger generation the mistake that was made in the past and ought not to be repeated once again.
By protecting the people from such knowledge will only harm them, shock them even more when they eventually find out on their own, shame them even more with the full impact of reports from outside the country. With the current trend of globalisation and accessibility of information over the internet, the possibility of that happening is very high.
One can only imagine the growing differences such an act would create, the misguided younger generation, not understanding the anger every has against them.

Someone asked me "So you think we should continuing bashing them with the crimes their fore-fathers committed, make them feel ashamed and continue to make reparations? do you know why Germany started WWII then? it was because they were made to pay so much reparations that they couldn't bear the sufferings."
So what is the solution? To not even tell them what actually happened? This will only tighten the tension between those countries involved and evolve into more complicated misunderstandings eventually. When those misguided generation lead the country, they will not be able to appreciate the situation and in worst case senarios, another war may break out.

A civilised approached ought to be taken..

but den again, does civilised means "he who has the power, has the say"?

Politics, never get involved...

i realised i've got a bad habit, the nearer it is to exams, the more frequently i make entries in my blog.
I wonder if this helps to relieve stress..
But stress is when you are doing work rite? I'm not even doin work..

The price of movie ticket is increasing, and the companies insisted that they did not negotiated the increase. Well, perhaps it just so happened that all three decided that they should increase 50 cents for weekdays and 1 buck on the weekends.
I'm not complaining about the fact that there's a price hike, it is but a vicissitude in life. There's bound to be inflation and its a one way street that the cost of living will move in. Because with an increase in the amount you are paid by your boss, the company can only sustain it by increasing the price of its products. its goin to be an upward spiral.

However, this, together with another incident jus last friday, has made me realised that the consumers in singapore are actually very subjected to the power of the big companies. The disparity in bargaining power is just to evident locally.
Just last friday, i went to popular with my sister to buy some printing paper. The one that we used had only one packet left and when my sister picked it up, it was opened before. Being really fussy, my sister decided not to get it. Since she suspected the couple next to us to have opened it, she told me really loudly that "Why is this packet open? I don't want it anymore. How can people just open it like dat? If you don't know what's inside, ask the assistants lah!" Me, being blur, had no idea she was hinting at anything jus told her to let's go since she doesn't wanna buy anymore.
Only later when i ventured back to the same section, i personally saw the couple openning another packet of paper and the shop assistant was less than 3 metres away.
Anyway that's digression, my sister got a sales assistant to confirm if that was the last packet. so our dear popular assistant told my sister
"Oh, why is it open huh? I think it's the last packet, don't have anymore."
that's it, end of story.
i stood behind and uttered really loudly "WOW! That's helpful!"
yes, i'm being anal.
I simply cannot understand wat good is a sales assistant when all they do is tell you- oh, no more stock; this is the last one we have got (take it or leave me alone).
I don't ask much from them, all i'm looking for is - let me check the store room; how bout this other brand, it's really not much a difference; they renew the stocks on monday, perhaps you can drop by again then; let me check with the nearest shop whether there are anymore; let me show you this other design...
Look, i don't want to be told the problem, provide with some solution. The big problem with singapore's service sector is there are too many giant companies that are experiencing diseconomies of scale of LOUSY sales person.
Which brings me back to my point - they are not really making losses like wat we learn in Econs, because we do not have substitutes.
In northpoint, or anywhere near, there are no longer any smaller book shops for us to choose from if we're unhappy with the big names. It's just like if all the cinemas in singapore decide to increase the prices, what are we left with (legally, because my fren mentioned pirated vcds)? and other than going to malaysia to watch movie? We, as consumers, have so little bargaining power, because we cannot punish the big firms by not patronising them for bad service. you can write ten complaint letters to them, all they do is tell their people to be nice. There's no incentive for them to make a change in their training programs - because we still have to rely on these stores for our necessities. It does not make a difference to them whether they have good or bad services.

and i'm disgusted by that.
partly because econs is but based on many assumptions that we make.
i wan to do myself justice by patronizing some other store with another name, not to travel to woodlands to another popular...

anyway my student is here
cont nez time.

actually i've got lot to say the other day, however, no matter how i try, the blogspot just wont let me in. Instead they let my lil brother in. Now i totally have no inspiration, and i can finally get in.. does it mean too many people are blogging?

which brings me to my first point of discussion:
There are so many blogs, will there be regulations for them?
This is not a typical singaporean talking. I see a big problem, where people are writing watever and how ever they wish to, on a very accessible platform, the internet. Within a short period of one week, there were 2 incidents that involved blogs in the small year 1 law community.
one very disturbed guy became more disturbed after his blog add was passed around law school. Everyone knew where he went last friday, wat his mum told him when he got home and who he thinks are his best frens, inside out.. and made fun of him..
from what i heard, he's not exactly the nicest person around. shan't elaborate because it's really none of my business.
well, after he was being disturbed for nearly one semester, he or his frens (we suspect it's him) decided to retaliate. [the hypothetical]-they decided to "borrow" one of the 'jock club' boys' laptop when it was lying around and copied some private pictures. Then "the hypothetical they" sent an email to the whole law school, blackmailing the jock club boys to apologise to him. Otherwise, more private fotos will be published to the whole law school. Attached to the email was topless picture of the guys.
Seriously, why bring the whole law school into your little childish feud with each other? our conclusion, either the jock club thinks they're too low profile and needs to tell the world they're still dominating the law year 1, or the disturbed guy was so disturbed he had to write as a third person in the black-email.
and right after reading the email, i had my criminal law lecture. we were being told about criminal intimidation.. i wonder if black email actually falls into such a catergory. My fren said that unauthorised usage of the laptop can amount to a crime already. One of the smartest things to do as a law student, to break the law...
hahah i jus realised technology has allowed us to progress to black E mail, instead of black mail. Another word added to the dictionary because of the technology.

anyhow, i mentioned there was two incidents yah? another one involved my fren's moots. For everyone who doesn't know what moots are, it's a submission of our case arguments in the moot court. there are 3 judges and you have a partner, both of you will have an opponent each. seriously all you have to tackle is the judges who will ask you question regarding your submissions. There's really not real competition between you and your opponent. Hence i don't really understand the "spark", if you like, between my fren and his opponent for the moots.
His opponent wrote something about his past (true or not true i wont comment) in her blog, and comment how little integrity my fren had, that she was so inspired by what he did to beat him in the moots, that he should be really careful cos she's watching... goodness... rather dramatic.
But the truth is, she mentioned in her first paragraph that she had not investigated the matter. so how much integrity does she really have, by writing something like that without knowing the whole story? Not to mention this person happened to be her opponent in the moots? what motives does she have - i do not wish to explore. i only wish to say, i don't have too good an impression of her after being called a bimbo by her in front of my good frens. and if i may add, then, i had neva talk to her for more than 5 mins before.
somehow, one day she just decided that i was too much an eyesore to be mixing around her boyfren's frens and then called me a bimbo after i point out that she had jus admitted she was indian instead of the eurasian blood that she always claim she had. the things she did was much worst but i decided that has no place in my blog, after wasting so many words on her..

the blog she wrote could have gotten my fren into unnecessary trouble had someone point a public officer to view her site and carry on from there. Of cos, its of remote possibility, but does this justify why my fren has to be subjected to such unnecessary pressure? Undeniably, if one has done nothing wrong, one has nothing to fear. However, had someone decides to look into this, is it fair to my fren, who has done nothing to go through all that again? Anyway, however remote the chance is, it has happened before. And i'm the best person to prove it, those who know my story should know what i'm talking about.

From a long time ago i feel quite strongly about blogs. the reason why i'm still writing it, is mostly because i only write about myself. i don't mind telling you guys how pathetic i am, i try my best not to step on somebody else in order to show off my talent in writing, which coincidentally, is pathetic as well.

How should we view blogs?
it seems like a cross between personal and public, the inner part of you that you wan the whole wide world to know. so wat? public-private self?
should people rely on what they read in blogs and dig deeper?
some people claim their blogs are seldom read, but they have neva consider the potential readership out there is... the whole world..
or perhaps they did consider it, and that was the very incentive for them to write..
hahah which reminds me of that entry i wrote long ago..

Well, i just hope to remind everyone blogging that:
yes of cos we all have our right to free speech. But when we exercise this right, we should not and never impeach others' right, privacy. Sure, your blog is somewhere where you talk about things that matter to you, be it personal, be it public, be it political, be it brainless - the last thing we ought to do with our blogs is to attack people personally, to cause someone unnecessary trouble.

If i had to name one reason we do not have total freedom of speech in singapore - this is it. The immaturity still embedded within the society.
Youngsters complain they have no freedom of speech, paternalistic government, strict rules, stifling of creativity...
When one cannot weigh the gravity of what one write in a public viewing platform, regardless of it's nature, how can there be total freedom of speech? especially when much sensitivity is necessary with the different races in singapore?

Which brings me to a second issue: -
Some brilliant bright spark brought up the issue of inter-racial marriages to our Minister of sports and community development. considered as cream of crop, elite of singapore, he posted a question that i wonder if i should admired him for or feel really disappointed..
He asked the mixed blood minister - himself, being really conservative at heart, feels his skin crawling when he sees inter-racial couples, what does the minister make of it?
Admire him -because of his courage and wonder if he had waited all night to grab that chance to humiliate himself.
Feel really disappointed - is this the kind of elite we are cultivating with our education system? the top 20% of youths that we have sieved out, that will be leading our country in a few years to come?

First, what kind of question is that? the trend of globalization seeing an increase in inter-racial marriages, resulting in "diluting of traditions and cultures". globalization itself has saw the changes in traditions and cultures, advancement in technology has done it. Progression of mankind requires us to modify our cultures and traditions to adapt to the modern times. So why the focus on inter-racial marriages? This is not conservative, this guy has seriously narrow perspective.

Second, what does it mean by "making his skin crawl"? seriously, when you address a group of people, you should weigh your words with some consideration. i can only imagine the number of people slapping their forehead when he made that statement. What does the statement show about his feelings towards people of a different race as him? I only hope that he was from a minority that only took away "the formidable skills of taking exams" from our education system, while most of us know what values are.

Third, i'm in a dilemma. The main reason why little people speak up is because we're afraid we sound stupid. By slamming this guy so badly, will only reinforce this fear in people. I wish to clarify that most of the time i admire people to speak up in dialogue sessions, because i'm of the class of people who sit there and blend into the surrounding. However, such insensitive remark should not be condone. People should be encouraged to speak up, and we should all do so, but in a responsible manner. Say it in a responsible, sensitive manner. Only when people show maturity in their speech, can there be more freedom of speech in this multiracial society.

I'm tired, lasy to write.
Yawnz, go sleep
nice conclusion eh?
hahahahaha
:p
cheers

wenrong

"After all these years, I have hardly seen YJC shine, but I guess it's>the cohort that they have been getting..however having said that 20>years is a long time to remain in a rut.. for me the best years would>have definitely been the late eighties when they had some really awesome>teachers who did wonders for the school, now however, it has gone>quiet..whatever name we come up with would have to reflect the>achievements of the past 20 years...hence I find it difficult to come up>with any..."
this is from the YJC alumni email - by a guy who graduated in 1990. And there was a really angry reply to this - which i totally like.. because she stood up for the school, when i merely dismissed this guy's comments as trying to say something when he really has nothing to say.

Anyhow, i replied both emails.

"To everyone out there,Cynism cannot get you anywhere, if you want a change in your alma mater such that you can, one day, be proud to tell people you are from YJC, it has to start from you. "

Haven they heard of the famous phrase "ask not what the country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"?
i have my reasons to hate the school as well, i have my own bad experience with the teachers as well, i even have a black mark in YJ. But i cannot offset that with the things that i've learn from school, mostly out of classrooms.
Someone once said to me,
"Do you know what are the things that students remember the most after they graduate? it's not the math tutorial, the econs essays, not the lectures. Instead, they remember how the stay till late in the evening to paint a banner for the fun fair the next day, they remember how they design the cafe in school, they remember having a lesson in the park, in the field, they rem the competitions they had to participate in..."
What do i rem?
I rem my bad CIP trip to china
I rem my Sarawak trip
I rem talking rubbish to my tutors during class and haunting them after school.
I rem the pats on my back during my j2 year by my j1 computing teacher.
I rem the ever changing library that is always super cold.
I rem neva getting my econ's teacher after school.
I rem goin to the discipline master's office and get a scolding.
I rem grumbling about stupid dialogue sessions which i totally condemn cos all they do is justify what they do.

and the list goes on.

No many good memories, i admit.
but i post a question to those who hate themselves for having been in YJ:
What is more precious than be the people who build up that spirit in the school?

what is your role if you're in a school with a long established school spirit? You're a merely a participant, yes you may feel proud, but one day if your school fall into the dumps? are you sure you'll stand by your school?
We build up the spirit, we start the fire burning, we are the ones that see the scale rise from 0 to something. I am sure we can stand by the school if ever anything happens to it.

What do you get out of complaining about having to come to yj and say that it has done you no good, causing you to drop out of JC or not achieving during A levels?
How much effort have you put in yourself? I did well not because i relied on class tutorials, i've spent evenings in school haunting my poor tutors down. I cried in my tuition centre for not knowing how to do my math paper. I have put in enough effort and even if i did not do well, i cannot fault my teachers for it.

why can't people understand that?

i couldn't write this in my email because it would be too personal and subjective. i jus hope people can take responsibility of their lives, just like i'm trying to do with my life.

you are in the dumps because you don't wanna help yourself.

i guess this much i can help my school because i can't really turn up too often nowadays...
trust me when i say that i have my fair share of hating the school, but it wasn't their fault.

Cheers

Wenrong

Then again.. a phase kept repeating in my mind
..... anyone is dispensible - no one is indispensible ... ReMeMbEr?...

This is from my sister's blog..
i remember i've said this before, to the man that i guess i'll never want to see again.. telling him that leaving to japan with his girlfren (then) should be a good choice if he really loved her.. and that it wasn't his fault he wasn't ard when i was goin thru a break up..

Because no one can be there for anyone forever..

yet, in a way, everyone hopes that there's someone there for them 24-7. That they will have someone to fall back upon, to turn to for advice, to have a shoulder to cry on, to have someone to share your joy.. Someone special.. Specially there for you, that he or she is that special someone that exists to complement your existence..

i guess it's highly cynical to say that that is just made-belief - that a person, a special someone is on earth destined to be your partner, your other half.
somehow i can agree with the cynical view. how can you say that there's a person that is specially destined to be with you when you talk about accomodation, acceptance in a relationship, about external pressure? Love has proven to be secondary to alot of things, love does not conquer all.
If he or she is the special someone, why isn't he or she made jus right to complement my character, my background, my beliefs?

numbness sets in..
wat is it like to fall in love again? to find that a certain person did not reply my msg and fret over it? to feel sad jus because he did not reply me? to go out of your way just to make him happy, so that you'll derive happiness from that? to have someone else's interests before yours? to be prepared to give everything you have, just so that you believe "this is it, this is my destination"? to hold on patiently, waiting for him to just realise how much you love him? to make things that are totally impractical and takes up space, knowing that he'll appreciate it and not treat it as rubbish? to spend a bomb on fone bill because you msg him the min you wake up, right before you sleep and punctuate your day with stupid msges that ranges from "hey i'm on my way to school" to "hey, i'm having lunch now, rem to eat" as if a grown man has no idea wat is hunger? To say things that are totally obvious but jus show that you care? to sit and stare at each other and think that tt's the best thing that can happen to you?

basically, things that you do, to expose urself to possible risks of getting hurt.
things that you warn urself not to do, keep away from, just so that history doesn't repeats itself..

i cry for myself, my tears to pity myself. because of the kind of person i've become.. it's not that i cannot love.. the thoughts have influence the actions.. that perhaps certain things are just not worth brooding over..
if he doesn't call, i'll jus do my things.. the kind of anger, the degree of rejection that i used to feel is significantly lesser.. to the point i start to question, then is this love?
the first reaction to his lack of response is still anger, rejection - but my head starts to take over.. i walk away, i stop myself from getting angry. sometimes it jus feels like being indifferent..

erjie: you said that i was trapped in the past, unsure of the future..

Trapped in the past? i'm not sure. because i dun really think about him, when i do, i jus push the idea away. he still comes to mind once in a while.. i still wish to msg him, but i dun anymore. i guess this is when people say you get used to the pain after some time - instead of time healing you. you think of him often enough such that now, in a lesser frequency, i consider myself on the road of recovery? i tell myself i dunwan to know what you're doing, what's happening at your end, don't wanna know how you're coping.. ironically, when i think of all these, ain't i thinking of the very same things i tell myself not to?

actually today's entry is about nothing. sorry for spending your time reading nothing..
i just feel... mixed up..
i feel suppressed, always stopping myself from feeling some emotions before i do.. i want to be able to wail, to laugh out loud, to think of things that i want to think, to miss a person i want to miss, to hate, to love, to be the young bold me again..

to wail, to laugh -about wat?
to think of things that i wanna think about - wat exactly do you wanna think about?
to miss a person that i want to miss - what good does it do to you?
to hate, to love - where does that bring you...
young bold me-once you have crossed the threshold, you'll never find the old you again, no matter how hard you try..

oh dear oh dear...
i'm reading blogs instead of writing my presentation for tml which has to last for 4 mins.
hahaha
i'm screwed..
i think more than screwed..

my uncle in law's nick on msn - Take 100% responsibility of your life..

it's so tough, i seems to lost all the zest i had in jc..
always thinking about weird things, i cant concentrate like i used to.. i jus have this feeling i cant compare with my cohort anymore... yes, on top of that, i just cannot work hard, somehow.

where can i find that zest again?

haha
i just came across the blog that cause me my misery last year... apparent she did quite well for her A's, congrats man.. with her cynicism, she should go into mass com, my little advice while she ponders where to go.. DUN LET ME SEE YOU IN NUS... yes i mean it.. dun even step into Arts and Soci. i cant even rem your name, one qi.. so frens of one qi, if you happen to see my blog and know that your fren whose name has a qi and has been causing alot of trouble with her supposedly innocent and trying to be cynical blog - yup, tell her to go ntu mass com.
oh yah, while i browsed through her blog, saw that she went to do relieve teaching at some school, apparently a famous one. WHICH of cos, did not escape her clutches (of cynicism). Yes, our dear fren described the school as "a school that looks like all the other schools where parents sell their house at negative value, to move into the 1km radius and wail like when they are in a funeral during the balloting session" well, and she effectively poke fun at the sch as well as parents in sg..
good thing she's only relieving, i cant imagine how will her students turn out under the guidance of such cynical creature. yes, creature.
and it's not as if her criticisms are any good. for one, they're not funny. Two, they're disgusting. three, they're the most not original things that people have said before. she's what we youngsters call "lao chu nu"
i couldn't bear to read any more of her blog, jus in case i decided to email her to tick her off, or rather piss her off.
arghhHHHHhhh !!!!

k enough of anger... now some sanity
one private number called last night, but i was sleeping.. wonder who is it.

and i wonder when am i goin to start practicing for my presentation tml..

highly UNmotivated and totally out of zest..always unhappy.. NO POINT IN LIFE!
shld have slept for another hour had i known i was goin to read blogs..
damn it

i hate people,
mayb i shld start a top ten, no five is enough.. top five hate list...after some serious thinking, i'm only left with top 3...
3)imp - a dog hounding me
2)one qi - triggered my misery
1)Cockroach - cause of my misery (still)
hahahah
look like some song chart suddenly..
and mayb i dun hate people so much after all, since i only have 3 entries and 2 that i reallly reallyy wanna slap.

i need to get in touch with assassins.. hahaha k maybe not to that extent, but are there people to trick other people for a living? like those we see on tv.. jus make their life as miserable as mine.. i jus cant stand it when i'm trying to handle my life with all that sh*t feeling and other people jus go on doing so well... I DUN LIKE THAT!!!!!

well, mayb because other people cant be bother with it anymore?

sigh,
i think i've got permanent headache, and possibly permanent brain damage.. i wake up to a headache everyday, end the day with headache..
i wish i had brain tumour and die - dun let me go through all that therapy.. i wanna keep my hair, yes and lose my life. hahahahah
:p

top ten things i've gotta learn how to do..
1) count my blessings
2) be more independant
3) eat less
4) read more
5) drive
6) dress nicely
7) be nice to people
8) let go of certain things
9) meditate
10) find myself..

"it's precisely because of men like this that i even have a job... HAD a job..."-hitch
yeap, i agree that not all men are jerks. but one jerk in a lady's life is enough to scar her for life. some can't stand up again, man after man, looking for the same feeling.. some become too cold, too defensive, deep inside afraid to fall in love again... but some just accept it as another part in life and move on...
it's easy to fall into the first two categories, two extremes that people take..
sigh.

maybe there's a reason why i sleep so much lately...

wr

One day, 4 babies were born at K.K. Hospital: a German, a Jewish, a Filipino and a Singaporean.

However, someone mixed up the babies by mistake, and the nurses couldn't differentiate between them.

However, the head sister had a bright idea. She lined the babies up in front of her and exclaimed, "Heil Hitler!"

At hearing this, the German baby raised his arm in a salute, while the Jewish baby soiled his diapers. In the meantime, the Singaporean baby turned to the Filipino baby and said, "Clean that up!"

Mr. Singh and Mr. Singh, two friends not noted for their depth of intellectual aptitude, were applying for a visa to visit their relatives in the town of London Transport, England. The first Mr. Singh was interviewed by the officer in charge.
"Well, Mr. Singh, all we need to know is whether you have the mental resources to survive your trip to London", he said, demonstrating his cultural understanding of the applicant. "Let's see, now - if I poke you with this pencil in your left eye, what will happen?
"I'll be blinded in my left eye, sir".
"Very good, Mr. Singh. Now, if I poke you with the pencil in your right eye, what will happen?"
"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all."
"Well, Mr. Singh, you've passed with flying colors. Enjoy your trip."
Mr. Singh then rejoined Mr. Singh in the waiting room, and described his experience. "It was being very easy, Mr. Singh. That very nice officer Sahib ask you two questions, and you are answering only "I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir", and then "I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all", and then you are getting the visa straight away."
So the second, and slightly more comprehension-impaired Mr. Singh, went into the interview room. The officer took the same approach: "What would happen if I took these scissors and cut off your left ear?"
"I'll be blinded in my left, eye, sir".
"Hmmm. What would happen if I cut off your your right ear?"
"I'll be blinded in my right eye, sir, and I won't be able to see anything at all."
The officer was a little perplexed by these answers. "Now Mr. Singh, I find your answers very difficult to understand. How could it be that cutting off your ears would have anything to do with your eyesight?"
"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear - I should be explaining myself. If you cut off my left ear, my turban will fall down on the left side and cover my left eye and I'll be blinded in one eye. And then if you cut off my right ear, my turban will also be falling down on the right side and I'll be blinded in my right eye and I won't be able to be seeing anything at all!"
Mr. Singh got his visa.

"in the arms of the angel, fly away from here..."
well, have been rushing assignments ever since last week.. and it'll continue till next week because i have another crim law take home nex week.. yes, it lasts for a week...

i'm preoccupied with myself, yet again.
wanted to blog badly, but i really have no idea wat to write.. perhaps too many things to write, somehow everything jus becomes a mash and you don't know exactly you wanna write..
it jus happens..

i jus saw hitch..
great show.
you always take something out of the movies, even if it's the lousiest show.
and watever you learn, depends on your experience in life. a part of the show will always catch your attention because you can identify with it. Just like songs.. a good reason why people enjoy love songs so much is perhaps they actually sing how the people feel..

"that's what people do rite? take risks. you take the leap, hoping you will can fly... that's what i'm doing now... i'm falling.. and i need you before i can fly."

if only reality are as easy as movies... if only.

"you must have been kissing a fool..."

-wr-

"Kissing A Fool"
You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that you were strong enough
To even make a start
But you'll never find
Peace of mind
Till you listen to your heart
People
You can never change the way the feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them S
teal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through
Fooled me with the tears in your eyes
Covered me with kisses and lies
So goodbye
But please don't take my heart
You are farI'm never gonna be your star
I'll pick up the pieces
And mend my heart
Maybe I'll be strong enough
I don't know where to start
But I'll never find
Peace of mind
While I listen to my heart
People
You can never change the way the feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they willIf you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through
But remember this
Every other kiss
That you'll ever give
Long as we both live
When you need the hand of another man
One you really can surrender with
I will wait for you Like I always do
There's something there
That can't compare with any other
You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that I was wrong enough
To think you'd love me too
I guess you were kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool

well, i wanted to put some pictures up, decided to do it some other day...

i have a confession to make.
i haven been myself these few days. as much as i try to make myself look like i'm in control, i wasn't.. i was overwhelmed by what happened on friday.. a single msg broke down all my defenses, the walls that i carefully built up, making myself believe that i was healing... i was very wrong, i wasn't healing, i was hiding. Like an ostrich with its head in the sand, i tot i would feel better if i hid away..
i thought...
well, no surprise, it didn't work very well. i lost it.. i cant work very well, wasn't really myself, compulsive msging syndrome came back.. i completely, lost all dignity in front of him..
until today, i knew i had to seek help .. when i went to sakae all alone for dinner..

thank you, kaiwei. For picking up my call so readily, always answering to my calls during my most desperate times.. listen to me cry amidst the stupid jokes i try to crack, in order to mask my desperation.. thank you for walking, taking me through the difficult times, like a trusting candle in a long dark tunnel.. even though you are suppose to be enjoying your break, enjoying the company of your friends.. you were there, right beside me, thou you were as lost as i am... you lend me your support.
girl, you may not see this.. just want to tell you that, you might think that you might never settle down because of your fear.. but you have nothing to fear, you have all the love in the world. There is one person, right there waiting for you.. and in time, that person will walk right up to you, provide you with all the love that you looked so hard for.. and you will love him. Like how you showered your family with your love.. like how u showed me you can love.. girl, being there for me is love. and you are capable of doing it... ;)

Thank you, don..
i'll always remember what you said today..
"Nothing is permanent, we'll just have to do our best to take the best out of it. It is when you try so hard to make it lasts, that you hurt urself.. and possibly hurt the ones that you love.."
Today, you made me realised what it really meant by "if you love a person, you got to set him/her free, and yourself too.." because you added "because that's probably what he needs you to do.."
you forced me to look deep inside me today.. you forced me to admit that after all these while of telling myself - i want to move on... I have yet to set my heart and soul to do it.. Like you say, being willing to move on means a commitment to myself, to walk out of that shadow in whatever sense i deem fit.. it may take a physical act - to delete his number, to avoid places.. and eventually the mind..
you forced me to ask myself what did i want to take out of all that i've done.. you forced me to admit that there was a glimpse of hope that never really went out.. you made me faced the ugly me, the one that was really causing the pain all these while..
"have you given all the love you could when you were with him?" i dare say i did..
you made me realised that everything that i'm giving now, will only cause pain, both to me and him.. a feeble attempt to extend what sweet memories we had..
you made me realised that in an attempt to find the happiness that i once had, i've been inflicting pain upon myself and him..
Don, you might not see this, but you have further affirmed my belief that everything happened for a reason. had i not went to siam that night, i wouldn't have known you guys. although i have heard the things you've said, i haven really KNOW them.. they were merely words until understood.. and you, my fren, made me understand them.
you might think that your whole life is merely to cope with rejection.. but seriously, you are so much more, greater than what you think you are.. your words have woke me up, something many pple have tried but failed.. that is the man that the chicks need to see, the great man inside you, beneath that cheeky cover, a defence that you put up.. perhaps to protect yourself from being hurt.. ;) thank you once again, for reassuring me that you'll be ard when things get tough..

"nothing is permanent"
that's why they say people have a natural tendency to make themselves miserable, and they are very good at it.. because they try so hard to make something temporary lasts, only to be disappointed - because it'll never happen.. nothing is here to stay forever. that's why u feel sad.. then you work so hard to keep it going.. only to find that it's unhappiness you achieve, when you set out to achieve happiness. the kind of happiness that you first tasted when you had what you wanted..

the car that looked like his, driving towards yj today, made me cursed at the big guy up there.. agitated at why he has to put me through things like that, reminding me every chance he has..
i realised something..
that car, only has as much meaning as i attach to it.. originally, it's just a car, a machine, a transport without any emotional value attached to it... i've placed a value on it, because my heart said so.. but basically it's jus a car...
it's difficult to express, i'm not doin a very good job..
but perhaps tt's what they mean by,
originally there was nothing,
so where can the dust reside?
and
it wasn't the leaf moving, but my heart (mind) moving..

when you understand that, memories will be memories. the carpark, the restaurant, the school in your memories, will remain and different from those that you see right in front of you.
because that carpark you see, is just another carpark, really.

cheers.

i'm addicted to writing in my no-one-knows blog..

few updates
1) i'm moulding - my skin is peeling, and i'm not goin out ..
2) i'm not even half way thru my memo.. i'm here typing a blog..
3) pleas, dont worry yourself with who "cockroach" is, definitely not one of you.
4) my week "break" is over soon, and my term starts with a take home ppr.. i just love my life, wat else can i ask for ?
5) i bot a new pair of slippers..
6) my house goin to have air con soon, i'm happy :)
7) i'm meeting my yj pals on saturday!!!! i'm more than happy :))
8) I haven done anyting for law club since sch reopened, they are VERY pissed off with me.. I"M ESCALATED hahahahah
9) i realised that coffee is no longer good.. i think i nid caffeine pure man... hahah extreme extreme...
10) i also realised i'm growing really fat.. and yes, the usual excuse, no time to exercise...
11) i really want a MuVo micro... 512 mb.. any rich guy out there wanna get me a really advance bday gift?

life..
aint it mundane to go thru all these over and over again..

wr

cockroach G! You are so successful at making me hate you. damn you!!!
i'll never be so stupid again...
please get away from me..
as far as you can.. africa, america..

i hate you.

LaSt PiCTure oF tHE daY!! And the most meaning full one.. To the family in this picture, i hereby ask for your permission to post this picture. and if you are in any way offended, please send me an email at wr1779@hotmail.com. i'll take it down.. It is meaningful not only because it is heart warming.. as i understand (i'm sorry i eavesdropped.. really cant help it.. i was all alone!) the mother (lady in red) and granddaughter stays in the states, and they're only back for new year.. initially the kid was tired and lying on the seat, which was very uncomfortable.. her mum din wanna carry her cos her shoulder was too hard for the kid.. the grandma volunteered. there was no sense of awkwardness (if there's such a word) between the grandma and the kid.. and i quote from the mum "you fit just like a jigsaw puzzle.." if that wasn't heart warming enought - before this, the kid jumped up from the seat to give her granny a kiss on the lips.. i simply melted, smiling to myself.. i wonder how often do you see a granddaughter so sweet in singapore.. it left more than a lasting impression, it left me hope and faith in love. there's love actually in the world, it's just not publicise enough.. Have you seen a loving scene that touched you today? share it.. we need more love in the world, less cynism.. :) 

mE N a MonKey.. hahaha guess she's jus as bored as i was.. i promised her i'll put it on the web hahahah presenting... my eldest sister... it's difficult to see how we are related.. i mean i look like a human i think.. hahahah now people who think i'm crazy can understand why i turn out like dat.. look at how i'm brought up!!! sigh.. it's really not my fault.. HA HAzz *self entertaining again* 

HahaHAha a rather blur picture of me and my er jie!!! entertaining myself.. not a very nice picture :p shan't comment much muahZzz 

On the left is a my eldest sister, the right - my er jie... hee.. they look so small right?? i wonder what happened to me.. bTw if you guys refer to below.. yeah we were still waiting in the kitchen like maids.. anyhow, i love my sisters!!!! MuaHAHaha oh yah i have a younger one.. yet to take any picture of her.. hahah soon soon.. i have about 12 days or so to do it... 

My MuMMY!! mUAhHAh at my grandma's house waiting to eat reunion dinner... i felt like maid waiting for my masters to finish their food. It was Sooooo warm that day!! Moreover there were so many peopLE!, so making me wait din really help me control my temper.. Had to entertain myself by taking lots of pictures.. more to come. haha ha 

my onLy ELdeR God BrOther..  

hey jie: thankz for the compliment, i doubt i'll be able to give you a good ans on that.. but do you seriously think when you own nothing (tangible) you own nothing at all? and when you feel neither happy nor sad, you are feeling nothing?

as for confidence - i do not have confidence that i can explain the verse well, because i have not learnt enough, i'm yet to be enlightened or perhaps, will never be.. I have to put a disclaimer, in case some professional decides to sue me for sprouting nonsense about their religion.. :) i can't write as if i noe everything, and den maybe mislead the readers... i'm saying read my entries with doubts in your mind..

In fact, you're right, i seem to be confident, but not actually.. it happens when your confidence is derived from something else, when you lose that something, you gradually lose definition of yourself, and finally yourself.
i was advised by my fren to take some time to find myself..

the truth is out there?

happy chinese new year to everyone...

wr

today is the eve of Chinese new year's EVE, shld never have worn the black shirt this morning.. or maybe i'm just pushing the blame of my incompetency to the supposedly bad luck colour (as what most of us will do)
it would be really unwise for me to go thru the day's events, after telling my fren how his fren's blog jus talks about nothing..
i can only say i'm really questioning my human relations skills.. i'm not as good at handling people as i used to be, or maybe as i tot i used to. jus imagine, if one day paul decides to dump me, or something, who am i goin to hang out with?
yet, i really dun feel like investing emotions on people and time.. it's so tiring, emotionally, physically and mentally. not only must you hang out with them frequently; being in a group means you have to compromise your individuality, you have that kind of problem even if you are with a person, let alone a group. you gotta keep worrying about how other people feel when you do something, when you say something, after you say something; gotta keep them "entertained", show that you're worth hanging out with..

-don't care so much about what others say-

you hear this time and again, yet how far can you take it? as long as you stay around people, you will care about what other people say... i'm not so much as working to please and make people love me, make me the most popular girl in the faculty. at least i dunwan to be the most hated person in the block, to be "right" instead of stepping on everyone's tail and get myself no where.. in order to do that, i'll definitely have to take into considerations what other people say, don't i?

it's new year...
i should spend sometime looking for myself, and catch up on school work..
it really feels like i'm losing it.
I look inside, i find a void.
I ask myself, "what are you looking for?"
i guess i really don't have an answer to that...
i'am seen, heard everyday.
yet i dun feel my presence..
where is it i'm heading, how do i define my life?
how do i WANT to define my life?

when you look ard and u realise that you simply cannot be on the same wavelength as the people ard you, are u abnormal? or you unique?
i'm suffocating myself.
someone told me that "it's human nature to want to keep themselves in misery"
i'm not sure the premises he had in mind when he told me this, but there is some truth in it.. you put all ur energy to focus on how difficult it is to move on, how the wind is against you... you jus put yourself down so much that you forgot how is it to feel happy again..
i told paul "human's default position is unhappy, then there are these few happy moments that punctuate your life..." rather 'wrong' kind of thinking to have in mind, really unhealthy..
oh, before i go on, i have to clarify that i DO NOT think it's cool to say "life's suckz.. just shoot me." On the contrary, i used to be a happy girl that loves to live the happy life with little unhappy moments..

if only i can stop manifying my problems.

now here's where i reply my fren's blog, who commented on sin's tag msg -
Never cling on to what is dear and what is not dearNot seeing what is dear and seeing what is not dear are both painfulHence hold nothing dear, for separation from what is dear is badThere are no bonds for those to whom nothing is dear or not dear- Dharmapada verses 210-211

When you know nothing dear and nothing not dear to you, you manage to find an equilibrium to your state of mind. Because you will not be sad due to losing something dear; and otherwise. For example, you feel unhappy if you lose your fone, because it's something dear to you. When you see someone you dislike, you're unhappy as well..
the central understanding of buddhism, as i believe and understand, stems from the duality of all things. as you learn about happiness, you know sadness; as you learn about possessing, you know losing;as you hear, sometimes you tend to become deaf, do you not? and of cos, the list goes on...
much of our lives are spent bouncing between these two "walls", so to speak, seldom can we maintain in the equilibrium.. for example you're escalated when buy a pair of earrings that you really like; the next minute you can be hating yourself for dropping one of them..
Is the happy feeling really what you classify as happiness? Conditional happiness, you rely on something else to feel 'happy'- like receiving a present, eat your favourite cake... it's short lived..
in order to find something call happiness (as we term it), i think we gotta go to a higher level than that.. an innate happiness.. i would like to define that as the equilibrium point.. to term it in a more cliche manner, when you attain enlightenment.. you find that when you break down events, are just a matter of cause and effect.. you realise that if there was not a cause, there wouldn't be a laptop right in front of me.. if there wasn't for my fren's blog, i wouldn't be writing this really long (and perhaps dumb entry to some people). you realise on a higher level that certain things, almost everything doesn't call for you to be hopping mad, or madly estatical or really suicidal.
you find peace.
you still grow, learn when you are in a state of peace, my fren.. you don't lose your bond.. you don't ignore the bond, you understand the nature of the bond..

well that's my two cents worth.. seriously i don't think it's a very good piece, maybe a very flawed understanding of what buddhism is about.. but this is how i understand and feel about it.. i wish i can find that strength inside to follow it.


wr

i ought to be sleeping now, it's 1230hrs already another 2 days before new year.
hahaha just went to the market with my mum, they were selling all those new year sweets.. i was trying to talk my mum out of buying all those things this year, at most buy only a little for show.. i dun think the vendor was very happy with me.. anyhow, really don't feel like celebrating chinese new year. i'm not even ashame to say that i do not feel like going to my grandma's house and see all those people that i seldom see but call them a family.. dun be mistaken, i don't hate them or anything likedat... i don't even feel anything for them.. our lives are so different, parallel lines that seems never will meet. Every year the three of us will try to find a corner to sit and watch the tv, while it seems like our family is growing bigger and bigger as the years go by. my cousins start to bring their the other half, sometimes even their cousins come over.. the table is so small that the people has to be divided into three groups to have their dinner.. which really makes one wonder, now what is the objective of having reunion dinner again?
i don't know about other races, but it seems to me that we're merely conducting the procedure of things, but its losing meaning as the years go by. which reminds me of a story...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Long ago, there was a monastry and there were cats living in there. They were not pets of the monastry, merely living together with the monks (there's a big difference, they're not caught deliberately and kept for entertainment). They lived peacefully together but there was a big problem - every morning when the monks do their chanting, the cats keep roaming around the main hall (where the monks were) and kept purring. They were unable to keep the cats out of the main hall, so in the end, they tied them to the table in the main hall, which was furthest from them. Alas, they could chant in peace every morning.
However, many years later, after all the cats passed on and all the older monks left the mortal world, the monks continue to catch cats from the streets and tie them to the table while they do their morning chants. When asked why, they simply answer "It is tradition."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
and we're suppose to be of higher order..

i'm goin to bed..

my brother's brother, monkey jie <-new nick.. hahaha sorry cannot capture u in a better angle.. no difference also lah. MUAHAH 

my lil brother.. hahah took a cab to town togteher... it's been a while!!! 

phew, nearly 4 hours of re-doing my blog.. tiring but worth it. rather prouda myself, as a self taught html reader..
haha

i'm jus unhappy about the pictures, do i have to put one picture at a time in order to have to caption below directly.. lousy..

sigh. shall go to sleep.
nite

this is what i did today at olio domes with a good fren of mine. haha i took the picture and he said "evidence to show how boring i am rite?" haha jus to clarify that he's not boring, i'm the one with itchy hands. :p 

hee hee, and a pretty Rose from paul ;) this lady at subway commented that isn't it abit too early to celebrate v.day.. hahaah i was like "it's pre-v.day" and paul was like "everyday is v-day".. right... Lol..